Rainprints

Today was the last day of 2005, a very difficult year for me. As I was running on the beach this morning, it started to rain. Not a sprinkle. Not a down pour. Not a drizzle or mist. A brief, very intentional rain, leaving clearly defined "rain prints" in the sand. A cold, cleansing rain.
Intentional, cold, and steady enough to wash away dust & pain
Brief enough to not wash away the memories or the distinct imprints of the drops
Imprints left as memories of past mistakes that have been washed, healed, cleansed by a faithful Father.
And the wind blew.

Party Preparation

The presents are bought (well, most of them)
And all neatly wrapped (well some of them)
The cookies are baked (except for the ones I mixed up, put in the fridge and forgot about)
Cards are mailed; it's a fact! (well, ONE card got mailed...the rest are still in the process of being addressed)

The tree's decorated (Actually, we got 2 trees this year and only one is decorated so far)
The creche on the hearth (Thanks to Molly)
I'm ready for Christmas
At least in my heart!

Jesus, thank you that all I have to do to be ready for the real meaning of Christmas is to be still and know you. How ironic that our preparations for your birthday celebration are exactly the opposite of being still. Today I will be still and I will know that YOU are God.
-amen

Forgiveness vs. forgiveness

I like forgiving people. It makes me feel really good. I know that forgiveness isn't easy for everyone. You frequently hear about people struggling because they can't forgive someone. It binds them in a kind of slavery. They are filled with bitterness and pain. There is no blessing in their lives. People recognize this. They talk about it. This is not a new concept! But for me the hard part isn't giving it- it's accepting it. And even harder? Accepting it from myself.

Now let's talk about this. If I refuse to forgive myself for something,I live under the condemnation and guilt associated with that unforgiveness. In this behavior, I am placing a higher priority on my self forgiveness than on God's forgiveness. Mine is more desirable and more important than his. And guess what? That doesn't settle too well with God. There are several reasons that this doesn't set well with him. First and foremost might just be the amount of suffering he had to endure to accomplish that forgiveness for me.

In Hebrews 9:22, we are reminded that without a blood sacrifice, there is no forgiveness of sin. And when I reject God's forgiveness in lieu of my own I am asked to show evidence of the blood sacrifice. Exactly where is it, Allison? Don't have it? Empty handed? You bet... and a little humbled. And being humbled is a good thing. If I am going to learn from my sins and repent and "sin no more", I must know the way that I am to walk. In Psalm 25, David declares that God guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. God cannot teach me if I am prideful and only he can release my feet from this snare of prideful unforgiveness (Ps. 25:15)

Another reason that this preferential treatment of my forgiveness over God's doesn't settle well with him is because of why he chose to forgive in the first place. God forgives "for his name's sake". It's who he is. It's his very nature. Forgiveness is to be equated with his name (Daniel 9:19). When I refuse his forgiveness in preference of my own, I discredit his name! For Pete's sake! Who on earth would want a God whose forgiveness is so feeble that it holds no power over my own? Is this truely how I see God? Do I believe him to be so weak that my ability to forgive holds more power than his own? By accepting God's forgiveness, I can live a life that shines before unbelievers and shows them that God's way is the One True Way, the One True Life. By refusing his forgiveness, I am trashing not only his name but my witness as well. I am disrespecting Jesus' command that I shine for him so that others will be drawn to him.

Yet another reason that my unforgiveness doesn't settle well with God is found in Matthew 6:14-15. If I don't forgive someone (myself included), then God will not forgive me! Wait a minute! How can this be? But I didn't say it; Jesus did! And not just once, either. Even in our Lord's prayer Jesus teaches us to pray that we should be forgiven as we forgive others. Jesus also tells the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. I've always destested this servant! How could he be so unmerciful after he was forgiven of so much! How could he turn around and treat his fellow servant like that! But here I'm finding that I am that unmerciful servant! God has forgiven me of sins too many to be mentioned. It's an unfathomable amount. But I hold unforgiveness over my head for one particular sin- one measurable instance and in doing so, prevent the blessings of God's forgiveness in my own life. According to Psalm 32:1-2, people who are forgiven are blessed. So I can only assume that in being unforgiven, I have stolen my own blessings.

So it takes humility for me to accept God's forgiveness in preference of my own. It takes me placing my pride and my unforgiveness on the altar. They are ugly things to place there but I'd rather them there than on me! And when they are lifted off of me, I can shine like that lamp on the lampstand. And this time I'm not going to let Satan (or me) blow it out!

Sunrises and Such

I only have a minute but I've been thinking about this all day so hopefully I can get it right the first time!
Rod has been talking about a Eugene Peterson book called Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places for quite some time now. I haven't read it (yet) but I have been blessed by Rod reading it! One of the things he's taught me has been how God chose to teach us about himself. It is in creation that He placed us because this is the way He wants us to know him. We get life, this earth, His creation all for the purpose of learning who He is. There are so many songs out there that talk about us "not belonging here" and wishing our time here away--only to get to the other side- that's our goal. But that is just not what God had in mind. He had in mind that we would live life NOW and abundantly! There is purpose to our life. It's not an accident. Our world was not created by accident and it will not end by accident. An accidental life (for me) just doesn't seem worth living!

With all this in mind, I was so blessed the other morning as I drove our middle son to school and witnessed the most beautiful sunrise that I have ever seen! Now those of you who know me know that I'm not much of a morning person so you might think that me seeing any sunrise is a miracle! But when I was kid, I had a morning paper route and I saw more than the average number of sunrises for a kid. Anyway, it was just such a wonderful thing to look at that gorgeous artwork in the sky, feel God's smile, and know that He was just being there, all obvious and everything, just so I could know Him better.

My son, Will, is quite an artist. Seeing his quirky little drawings gives you a peek into his soul. It lets you see a part of him you could never know any other way. Seeing that sunrise and pondering the Artist behind it was the same way. Seeing the joy he must hold in his heart at the sight of a fresh day for each of us. A new opportunity for someone to know him better. Seeing the passion in the wild pinks and flame oranges. Knowing how passionately he pursues each of us. Seeing how he used all of his palette- knowing how detail-oriented he must be. How he must see even little me and desire that I enjoy him whole heartedly. What an inspiration for all of us, to reach back to him with the power and beauty and passion that he reaches out for us.

Will said, "Wow, Mom, I wish I could draw as well as God!" And I thought, "so do I, Will...so do I."

And Their Number Multiplied Daily

I got a comment immediately when I posted last night. It was a curious comment and I was a little puzzled by it. I had a pretty good idea what it meant, so, just to investigate, I followed the link back to the commenter's blog site. Although you could do the same, I don't recommend that you do!

I guess I'm just glad that there are more Christians talking about this kind of stuff on blogger and other such sites. I'm glad we can be iron sharpening iron. I'm glad we can encourage each other, lift each other up in our virtual community, and make unbelievers question. Even if it's only to question why on earth we Christians waste our time talking about this stupid stuff. Some people waste their time with their heads in toilets. I prefer to use mine in other ways. And as I do, I only pray that someone else like §å®å[¦]*&*TreeNaH comes along and stays long enough to see a little light.

Smelling Sin

I'm attempting to write this post now for the third time. Mostly it's just because I don't have time to think. But because of the pervasiveness of the subject, I find that I'm actually thinking about it all the time. So here goes the exercise of organizing my thoughts.

The subject is sin. "Oh no! Not again!" I hear you all say! Yes, again. This time it's triggered by a little book I'm reading called The Smell of Sin and the Fresh Air of Grace by Don Everts. The title intrigued me and it really is a little book so it didn't intimidate me!

I've wondered for years why I don't seem to know beforehand that I'm going to sin. The "big sins" like stealing and murdering... I mean... sure I would know I was about sin if I were about to engage in something like that but I don't do things like that so the whole issue is a little more cloudy for me. It seems that I sin and then I realize what I've done and then I kick myself for not seeing it beforehand so I could have prevented it. It's so totally defeating to me. But after studying this little book I've come up with a couple of reasons that I think this might happen.

After I sin and see the results of my selfish behavior, I am always sad, remorseful and occasionally repentant. It's at these times I cry out, "If only I had known what this action would have led to then I would have never done it!" But the curious thing is why didn't I see the potential repercussions of my sin? Most likely, it's because my behavior is so often focused only on me and seldom on others. (Ouch... that hurt!) But it's true, I must admit. I am frequently careless with my actions because I believe sin to be an annoyance, a silly rule that got broken, a failed attempt to walk a line that, to me, doesn't seem to have a purpose. My decision on whether or not to sin just doesn't seem to be extremely serious. I see it more as an inconvenience, a slip up, or even a struggle. But not a life or death situation.

Jesus didn't see sin this way. In all three of the synoptic gospels, Jesus says that it would be better for someone to have a millstone tied around their neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause someone else to sin (Matt. 18:6, Mark 9:42, & Luke 17:2). He also says it would be better to saw off your foot, pluck out your eye, or cut off your hand than to sin. Geesh! Why'd he take this stuff so seriously? I mean, we all fail; we all make mistakes! Come on! But that may just be his whole point.

We are all failures. Every last one of us. And the price for that is, according Jesus, "eternal fire". So if every last one of us took Jesus at his word, every last one of us would be at the bottom of Lake Murray (insert your own local body of water) with a cinder block tied around our necks. And then where would we be? No one to subdue the earth as God commanded; His beautiful creation destroyed by their own hands; the fellowship He created us for ablated. Jesus saw the hopelessness of this entire situation. He knew where we were headed. And he came to stop it once and for all. The problem is, we just don't see the problem!

Satan in all his cleverness has made sure that we see our sins as minor trifles, mere annoyances, minimal inconveniences. Most of us aren't murderers and can do fairly well (we think) with keeping those big 10 rules. But the problem is that the first time we think or behave selfishly, we've broken the first one and so whether or not we've ever murdered anyone becomes a mute point. But Satan makes sure that we don't see it that way. He covers our sins over with a pastel mist, breathing into our selfish hearts sentiments like, "Well, she deserved that" and "It really wasn't as bad as all that" and "It wouldn't have been fair to me if it had turned out the way it was headed!". And when you have pastel sins instead of blood red ones, there is really very little need for a Savior.

I believe Jesus. I believe He knew what He was doing when He allowed himself to be nailed to the cross. And if I believe all that, then I have to believe that sin is, as Jesus says, a life or death situation. It's serious. It's important, important enough for Him to suffer an agonizing, torture for me to be able to escape it. I look on the cross and I see a loving Father that understands the significance of my sin infinitely more than I do. And then I realize that my sin is not a mere inconvenience or minor annoyance. It's a slap in the face to a loving parent that sacrificed himself for me. It's like spitting in my mother's face when she greets me at the door with the scent of a holiday meal wafting from the kitchen where she has been toiling away in love. We have to understand what our sin is like, how it smells before we can take seriously its effects. I have to spiritually "blow my nose" so I can get rid of these satanic lies and learn to recognize the smell of sin. And once I know its stench it will be a lot easier to avoid.

Tissue and Nasonex anyone?

In Pursuit of Perfection

On Decemeber 1st I wrote about how disappointed I am in myself that I continually sin. On December 2nd, Oswald writes about what I'm supposed to do with that. How does he do that?

He instructs (as my wise husband has done so often) that it is a snare (a trap set by Satan himself) that I pursue "the manifestations of God in my life" rather than a relationship with God. It's what Rod calls the "trap of morality". I work and work and work at having the fruit of the Spirit. I strive to be sinless, to never make any mistake, to never hurt anyone's feelings, be late, or irresponsible. It's a call to an impossible life; it's a call to death. Exactly the opposite of the life Christ called me to.

Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life.

-Oswald Chambers

To me, this translates that the impossible to acheive human perfection is not and should not be my goal. Instead, my goal must be a communion with God that is so close, so transparent, that all anyone who looks on it sees is God. Not only does that sound do-able but I long for it. I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. (Again, really, really thankful for Paul! -Philippians 3:12)

Body Part du Jour

If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into enternal fire
-Jesus

I can't do it. I fell asleep last night contemplating it and have sat at the table this morning trying to figure out how I could be brave enough to cut out my tongue. But unfortunately, the more I think about it, it would be my tongue today, my hand another day and my feet the day after that. What about my brain? What happens when it's time to cut that off?

And then I realized something (Ok, this isn't really the first time I've realized this-just the first time I've blogged it). It's not my tongue or my hands or my feet that cause me to sin. It's my nature. Jesus understood this. He knew I'd eventually get to the place where I'd realize how hopeless all this chopping off of body parts is. This is where I crucify my nature on the cross of Calvary- but that seems to be more nice, neat, Christianese for something I can't do. I think it would be easier to cut out my tongue.

I can't stop sinning. I've tried. I keep trying. I keep failing. I sound like Paul. I've been here with him before. So I know where to start reading. Romans 8:1.

Thanks, Paul. I needed that.

Escapee

You should see the beautiful view I have out my kitchen window. The sky is my favorite color of blue- it's a clear, crisp, sophisticated blue- cold but beautiful. And the leaves are red, orange, yellow, brown, and there's still some green out there. There aren't very many birds today...I don't know what they're doing. But I found our bird, Harvie, sitting in the dining room today. No idea how she got out of her cage. Maybe she wanted to go outside and fly in that beautiful view- she has to look at it all day from inside the house- from inside her cage. Maybe there's a bird gathering going on outside somewhere that she caught wind of and maybe she was trying to go- some kind of bird world cup or something. I put her back in her cage. She seemed ok with it.

I wish I was.

Have a Yourself a Generic Little Christmas

Tonight we had the pure parental pleasure of watching our daughter sing in a children's choir for the Governor's Carolighting. What a beautiful experience for her. She even had an ETV camera zoom in really close! The service was beautiful, the music exceptional. It was an inspiring way to launch into the Christmas season.... until the Governor started speaking.

We are fortunate in our state to have a "Christian" governor. He acknowledged at the start of his speech that Christmas truly belongs to the Christians. How sad when he had to continue on struggling to find pertinence for those who "do not hold to the Christian origins of the season". He decided that Christmas offers two positive opportunities for "non-Christians".

First of all, according to our governor, Christmas provides an opportunity for people to practice traditions and experience "togetherness". He related warm memories of his mother reading T'was the Night Before Christmas to him and his siblings. Next, he offered that non-christians could experience a new appreciation for others through gift giving and cited the example of a self-absorbed teen who ponders what his little brother might truly like for Christmas.

How sad that we offer to others a false "meaning" of Christmas during this sacred season in attempt to include them without imposing our "beliefs" on them. How sad that others can only know a portion of the joy we experience as Christians through the true meaning of Christmas. How wonderful that others could experience a full, guilt-free, abundant life in communion with the One true God of the universe, if only we would stop trying to not offend them. What if this Christmas we offered everyone on our gift list Jesus. It just might be the very best Christmas ever!

Contemplations on the Cross

(You'd better have your cup of coffee and some uninterrupted time...watch out! This one's a long one!)

I haven’t blogged in while and I can blame it mostly on Oswald. He’s been talking about the agony of the cross. And it’s hard for me to think about the agony of Calvary without wondering, “why?”. Why did it have to be the cross? Why couldn’t an all powerful God forgive our sins in a less gruesome way? Why did it have to cause Jesus so much pain and shame? Why was this the way it had to be done? Why did it have to be the sacrifice- the painful death- of an only Son? Why such heartbreak to redeem mankind from the slavery of sin?

I came across a verse in 1 Timothy 3:16 that frustrated me but rang so true:

Beyond all question the mystery of godliness is great.

God’s ways are a mystery- beyond my understanding. Yes, I knew that was true:
Isaiah 55:8-9:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my way,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts

But for me these are almost a cop-out. To say I cannot understand the horror of the cross simply because God is not understandable? Is it my pride that keeps me from blindly accepting this? I want to know the mystery of godliness. I want to understand His ways. Why did God allow me to have this longing?

Ephesians 1:9-10
And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment- to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

There it was: a hint, a glimpse, that God wanted me to understand his ways. It is God’s will that Christ be the way- the One, that brings God and mankind together again. And we, according to this verse, can know this.

Isaiah 53:10-11
Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many and he will bear their iniquities.

God is all powerful. He could save the world in any way He saw fit. And He saw fit that it be the sacrifice and torture of His only Son.

1 Timothy 2:5-6
For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men.

Jesus is fully God and fully man. Mankind can look upon him and claim him as a sacrifice from humanity to God. God looks upon him and sees the holiness of Himself, sacrificed for mankind. And God and man are brought together through the perfection of this sacrifice of Jesus. Both God and man find his sacrifice an acceptable atonement for sin.

For me the agony of the cross is sufficient to move me to repentance. I look on it and am ashamed that my sin is significant enough to cause this suffering. I am truly sorry for the anguish I have caused Him. I am moved to turn from my wickedness and become totally a slave to Christ. Thank God that He knew what I needed to move me towards Him. How sorry I am that Calvary is what it took.

Thanksgiving

...family, health, transportation, food, shelter, clothes, a job, electricity, sunshine, moonbeams, stars, rainbows, snowflakes, rain, flowers, butterflies, puppies, dolphins, oceans, clouds, rivers, trees, moss, swings, bluebirds, children, dancers, music, art, poetry, guitars, violins, pianos, fires, swimming pools, smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, love, sleep, sweaters, jeans, shoes, blankets, chocolate, ice cream, pumpkin pie, peanut butter, meatloaf, biscuits, gyms, bikes, aerobics, cellphones, blogs, friends, orange, forgiveness, grace, mercy...

Thank You.

Stand Still and Breathe

In my ponderings on the subject of reconciliation, I read a prayer on the subject in a book called Body Prayer. First of all, let me explain that a body prayer is an active prayer in which the pray-ers are guided into actions that help them to understand more deeply about that which they are praying. For example, the instruction 'to rise from a seated position to a standing position using the strength of your arms' might help one to see that the act of reconciliation is something that requires an effort on our part- something that we do not sit idly by and "simply allow to occur".

The authors instructed me to move into a stance that, for me, demonstrated a humble submission to God. They had me breathe deeply, which to me represented the importance of the Holy Spirit in the whole process. As I participated in the prayer, one thing in particular struck me. It was a prayer of "standing still"; the authors had even subtitled it that.

Reconciliation requires one very large effort on my part: that of being obedient to the point of surrender. After that, it's an act of standing still, keeping my hand out of the pot, keeping my mouth shut and my focus on the breathing in and the breathing out of the Spirit of God. Resting in Him in this way is so freeing. I'm so glad that all I am asked to do is stand and breathe. He does all the hard work; He always has- the first sacrifice in the garden for Adam & Eve's clothes; the last sacrifice of His precious Son on Calvary.

It is God's hope and desire that all creation be reconciled- that is, brought into whole relationship and made compatible with God's intentions for the world...Peace is ahead of my steps; it will be waiting for me...

-Doug Pagitt and Kathryn Prill, Body Prayer

A Father's Legacy v.2

I've been reading a lot lately about the concept of "reconciliation". People being reconciled to God and people being reconciled to one another. The dictionary says that "reconciliation" means the "reestablishing of cordial relations". It's extremely important to God that we be reconciled to one another because we are to be like Him. Him living in us causes us to seek reconciliation with others because that's who He is- a God of relationship. He sacrificed His precious only Son so that we could "reestablish cordial relationship" with Him. He expects no less of us.

As I searched scripture regarding this concept of reconciliation, Matthew 5:23-26 kept popping up. I wanted to read it in context and realized that it was part of the Sermon on the Mount. This particular passage is nestled in the topic of murder. At first I was puzzled. Why on earth did He preface an instruction to be reconciled with one another with a discussion of murder? I liked the way that Eugene Peterson put it in The Message, "The simple moral fact is that words kill". Boy, don't I know that? Careless words or thoughtless actions destroy relationships and cause us to have to seek reconciliation. It's so easy to stop there. But Jesus didn't.

He went on to discuss adultery. Obviously adultery destroys relationships but Jesus points out that even lustful thoughts are divisive. And on to empty promises in which we say we will do one thing and then fail to do it. There are so many ways we break each other's hearts as well as God's; so many reasons for us to have to seek reconciliation. He's still teaching on reconciliation here: how do I know? Because the next section is called "love your enemies".

It's that "instead" part of grace that my friend in Ontario talks about. When others hurt you, do not respond in kind but, instead, love them; respond with the energies of prayer. For that is what God does.

In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you

-Matthew 5:48 The Message

My God-created identity: that part of me that looks just like my Dad. Talk about a Father's legacy!

Carried

Hold me in your arms and gently rock me
Let me feel your heart beat on my face
Let me hear the words it softly whispers
And learn your voice while in your warm embrace

Hold me here and never let me wander
Break me as you need to keep me here
Let this precious moment spent here with you
Bring visions of the peace that lies so near

When the pain begins the road to healing
May wandering for me hold no appeal
Let my thank-you's spring from true thanksgiving
And faithfullness result from the ordeal

Who Knew?

Wow...you're in for it now! I've been plagued with trying to understand exactly what role "grace" has in destroying "the root of bitterness". It has bothered me all day long. So much so that I pulled a Mary and sat at my kitchen table all day looking up scripture references on grace. There are over 90 references to grace as a character trait of God listed in the study guide part of my Disciple's Study Bible. I knew I'd never get through them all today but I started at the beginning anyway ... Genesis .... (sigh).

I've always preferred the New Testament verses over the Old Testament. I used to think that the Old Testament just wasn't as easy to understand or apply to my circumstances. But I respect the fact that it's first and the beginning is supposedly a very good place to start.

As I read about God's character of grace and the commentaries on it, I realized that I was learning who God is. God seems to really enjoy giving us absolutely everything we need: enter a lamb for Abraham's sacrifice and manna from heaven. Apparently, this is grace. He also prefers to dish out mercy and forgiveness, to save us from destruction when, in fact, He's quite justified to blow us off the planet: enter Lot and his family when Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed. He enjoys turning devastating events into wonderfully, good things for those who choose to follow Him: enter Joseph sold into slavery and thrown in prison only to save his family by rising to a position of power second only to Pharoh. He loves to reward faithfulness with blessing: enter Hannah, barren and depressed, who gives her blessing baby, Samuel, to the service of God. God in turn blesses her with more children. Enter midwives who refused to kill the Israelite boys being blessed with families of their own. Enter Solomon who asks for wisdom instead of riches. God surely smiled as He gave Solomon both because He was pleased with Solomon's choice.

God wants to bless us. He wants to supply our needs. He wants to turn our devastating events into huge victories. This, apparently, is grace. He even desires to cheat death for us. In His mercy and grace He found a way around it. And I wasn't reading in the New Testament, Isaiah, or Psalms. It was in 2 Samuel 14:14

Like water spilled on the ground which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, He devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from Him

I believe they're talking about grace here.

A Trip to the Throne

This week in Bible study, we've been studying "the joy of moral freedom". While "filling in the blanks" I was caused to ponder the role of bitterness in my sin. The author said this:

The hurts of the past and our refusal to forgive those who have wronged us provide fertile ground for bitterness to flourish. Bitterness, left unchecked, makes us more apt to succumb to- or even pursue- sensuality (sin) and to subconsciously justify it in our mind, on the basis of how deeply we have been hurt. Bitterness is like poison; it defiles. Forgiveness is the only antidote. You cannot hold on to harbored hurts and pursue purity at the same time.

I never really thought I had much of a problem with bitterness. (You know, I say things like that a lot; don't I? This might be a problem!) Anyway... back to bitterness! I never thought I had much of a problem there but the more I delve into it, I find that bitterness has been at the root of most of the major, heartbreaking sins in my life. It's as if because I'm nurturing that pain, I seek out opportunities to sin to kill the pain. Why on earth does my brain work that way? (Here, insert true shock, frustration, and confusion!) Why would someone believe that sinning would kill pain?

In the related scripture (Hebrews 12:15-17), Paul describes how Esau, who was focused on his physical pain of severe hunger, hastily traded his birthright (with it's associated blessings) for a single meal. A single, short lived, comfort from the physical pain. A single sin rooted in self absorption with life long consequences. His blessing would never be restored. And how many single, self focused, bitterness encased sins have taken their toll on my life and blessings?

God assures me that obtaining His grace is the answer to avoiding the root of bitterness and falling prey to the temptation to sin (verse 15). This amazing thing called grace enables me to live a life that will please God. I can no more live a "good Christian life" on my own than I could save myself from eternal death; both receiving and living that life are dependent on God's grace. It is God's grace that enables me to live a life without bitterness. He promises that where there is sin (i.e.: bitterness), His grace is there in even greater amounts to conquor it (Rom. 5:20-21). Jesus lived a life without bitterness yet he can relate to my desire to hold on to my pain for he was tempted in the same way all of us are tempted.

So then, I will approach the throne of grace with confidence, with Jesus there as my high priest, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Wanna come?

A Night in the Bow

wind, waves, roaring storm
chaos churning; and he speaks
peace, rest, know I AM

Ephesians 5:1

Lord, how would You have me be today?

Be an imitator of Me

Love beyond where it hurts
Be merciful and full of compassion
Fear not to expose evil
Seek reconciliation for broken relationships
Walk in truth and light
Rejoice in righteousness
And be holy, for I AM holy

That It May Go Well With You

One of the things that frustrates me most about my beautiful daughter is that when asked to do something, she always has a comment about why she doesn't or shouldn't have to do that. She may still perform the requested task but it's always with a comment. You know the type:
"I didn't put it there!"
"It's not mine!"
"It's just going to get messed up again anyway!"
"Who died and made YOU God?"
(Now, she's never actually said that last one to me but I know with the teen years coming it's only a matter of time!)
And my response is always the same. Frustrated, I fume, "Just do as I asked. I didn't ask if you wanted to do it, I just said 'do it!'" But usually if I say something like that we end up in a debate/discussion about why the task needs to be accomplished by her, now. And the most frequent way for it to end is by me saying, (screaming), "BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!"

Today's Oswald is about the very same thing. Obedience without excuse making, debating, complaining, or hesitation. Why that today? Why does he have to talk about immediate obedience when I have to do something that God's asked me to do today that I don't want to do? I've discussed it over and over with Him, explaining to Him that what He's asked isn't really necessary, He's blowing the whole thing out of proportion, you know?

I began to ponder if everyone in the Bible was as perfect at obedience as Abraham and Jesus. I just wanted to read about someone whom God loved that was just as disobedient as me. I wanted to see how it all went for him. It didn't take me long to think of Jonah. Praise God for Jonah!

I've never really identified personally with Jonah. I've always thought that if the great voice of God told me to do something I'd do it immediately, no matter how awful or absurd it sounded. Problem is, I've never really believed God would ever ask me to do something. Yet he does.

He doesn't ask me to go to Ninevah. (He asks me to be there for someone who's not very likeable, to reach out to them, love them, and be Jesus to them.) He doesn't ask me to sacrifice my child. (He asks me to not be so busy carting my children around that I don't have time for him.) He doesn't ask me to die for the sins of the world. (He asks me to die to self so that I will know what it is He's asking me to do.) And he doesn't allow for me to learn this in any other way than through obedience. It's through obedience that I learn that He's got my best interest in mind.

When I realize that, truely believe it, then the excuses can stop and I can go do what it is I need to do today knowing that because of who He is, it will all turn out for the best.

Under Construction

Today isn't conducive for blogging...Thursdays never are. But thanks for checking!

Being Real

It used to be I'd wait in the car during Molly's dance lesson, using the time to catch up on Bible study or Oswald. Since the time change it's been too dark so I've been sitting in the tiny lobby at the desk. Last week I got distracted by some older girls from an earlier class discussing why they weren't dancing with the junior company. I was impressed to hear them say that because they were Christians, they refused to dance for the company because they were required, as company members, to dance in the annual production of Dracula. I encouraged them and told them about Patty Graham and Lauren LoPresto who have a worship dance company open to the public.

This week, I was desperately needing some time alone with my studies when a grandmother (whom I see every week but don't interact with much) brought her dinner to the desk and began questioning me about what I was doing. (It's a very small desk... getting smaller).

How do you wrap up 9 weeks of incredible study on revival for a total stranger? How do you tell them that life is not life, but rather death, without an intimate relationship with God?

She told me that she was raised Catholic and that the whole concept of a personal relationship with Jesus was a fairly new concept- something that has only been "pushed" for, say, the past 15-20 years. She said that she learned many of the concepts I was mentioning (honesty, humility, repentance, holiness, grace, obedience, clear conscience, and forgiveness)in catechism. I told her I understood about catechism because I had gone through it as well (although not raised Catholic). I shared with her that all catechism taught me was that there was a holy God to be feared but nothing of His interest in me personally. Sure, He wanted to redeem mankind but He probably had no clue that I even existed. I shared with her that I really had no use for that kind of religion (or God, for that matter). She looked a little shocked that I would be so bold (or maybe disrespectful) to toss out religion like that but I meant it. She asked me where I went to church.

I don't know if she saw any Jesus in me or not. I hope so. She said, "Nice meeting you," when I left. All I know is that when I see her again I hope we'll talk more about this "new" concept of a personal God and relationship with Him. I've never really been able to talk freely about a truely intimate relationship with Him to other people, mainly because only recently has He become more than just an aquaintence. It wasn't until He rescued me from the pits of despair and held my hand as He walked through the really scary, yucky stuff of life that He became "real" to me. And now I'm "real" to Him as well....and you know what happens when you're "real", don't you?

I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. John 10:28

From Mourning to Morning

I just tried to read 5 days of Oswald. I hate it when I do that. I guess this means that I've gone 4 days without comtemplating much about God. I don't go 4 days without food, or sleep. Why do I think I can go 4 days without contemplating God? I must believe that contemplation on God is not vital to life. I don't suffer physical pain when I don't contemplate God. But I suffer. And I don't realize how much until I begin again to ponder who he is and what he's wanting from me. Then when I look back on the past 4 days, I realize how empty they were. And I mourn.

Today, Oswald was cautioning me to "never think it strange the circumstances (I am) in. (My) part...is...to utilize the common-sense circumstances God puts (me) in and the common-sense people He puts (me) amongst by His providence, to bring them before God's throne and give the Spirit in (me) a chance to intercede for them." And I mourned again. I wondered how many times in the past 5 days I missed being a conduit for the Holy Spirit because I did not utilize the circumstances I was in or lift the people I was around up for God to bless. How many people did not receive their blessing because I was busy being self-absorbed?

Come on, Allison! Get outside of yourself! It is not just I who suffer when I abandon God but all the people who God places in my path. This is bigger than me; it's bigger than you. This is more of that abundant life. This is what Church is about: relationships- not just vertical, but horizontal as well.

So my appologies to any of you out there that didn't get what God had planned for you when I was busy being selfish. I'm back and awfully thankful that God is gracious, merciful and forgiving. And tomorrow morning, I'll start fresh.

Top 10

I will never attempt to write a birthday blog for a family member because no one can write birthday blogs like my husband can. I won't even try to compete! But I can't let the day go by without wishing my Stinkweed a beautiful birthday! So I thought I'd list for you my top 10 favorite things about having her for a daughter:
10.) I love it when she dances. She is so graceful and flexible and talented.
9.) I love her stories. She tells the best stories.
8.) I love the way she never gives up on anything. If she sets her mind to accomplish something she always accomplishes it.
7.) I love the way she falls asleep when she's tired. I never have to tell her to go to bed.
6.) I love the way her eyes sparkle when she's being mischievious. And she's mischievious almost every day.
5.) I love the way she plays the piano...no one ever told her she doesn't know how to play the piano and guess what? If they did, they would be wrong!
4.) I love the way she laughs. It's a short giggle, kind of like her Aunt Jodi's and her eyes twinkle when she's happy.
3.) I love the way she hugs and kisses. There is something very special about Stinkweed hugs and kisses.
2.) I love the way she cleans up the kitchen. She can wipe a counter til it shines like a mirror. She can clean almost anything...she's also good at floors and windows!
1.) I love to hear her sing. She sings and sings and sings. She has always sung for as long as I can remember. And she even knows the words!

I love you, Stinkweed. Happy Birthday!

Left Behind

I just sent my family off for a very long, hard trip for my uncle-in-law's funeral. I talked to his daughter this morning who said that this is the 'easy' part, compared to watching him linger in the hospital. There is a great celebration of his life planned, lots of music & worship. I got left behind because I can't ask for another weekend off of work.

It's hard being left behind when family is gathering to hug and comfort one another. I can't think of a single thing to relate this to biblically, no new insights or lessons to be learned. I'm sure there is one- I'm just too bummed to think of it....You think of it and let me know.

Pride and the Price of Unbelief

Last night, while fulfilling my taxi driver role, I was lecturing my captive audience regarding how and why a child should trust his or her mom. Will had some problems with some 6th grade bullies in keyboarding class who had figured out just the right way to tic him off and make him cry. He will not try my suggestion to just ignore them. It's because he believes that if he fusses at them to stop their obnoxious behavior, they'll quit. I tried to tell him that the fussing only fuels their fire and makes things worse. We've had this discussion before. I used an illustration about a time when Jack trusted me to do something that, to him, sounded ludicrous but that resulted just the way I said it would, but only because he trusted me and tried what I suggested.

Story goes that when Jack was about 4 years old, he did something he wasn't supposed to and was going to get in trouble for it. I wasn't 100% certain that he'd done it and the offense was against his Dad. I suggested that if he owned up to the wrong and appologized that Dad would be lighter in his punishment. Jack looked at me in disbelief but he tried the truth and Rod responded with just the mercy I had predicted. Jack was amazed and has held to the principal of truth telling ever since.

Now, in a related event, Molly disclosed last night at 7:00 PM (on the way to an evening event) that she had to make a kaliedoscope for school tomorrow...."you know, with just stuff lying around the house. You don't have to go out and buy anything, Mom." (I KNOW YOU have stuff to make a kaleidoscope just lying around YOUR house!) Not only do we have to have a kaleidoscope but a project journal as well that discloses exactly what worked and what didn't work while attempting to create said kaliedoscope! (Insert very, very unhappy Mamma.) Well, needless to say, the kaliedoscope with project journal, (supposedly made with things just lying around my house) did NOT get made. I suggested to her this morning that she write in her proposed project journal that one thing that didn't work was telling mom the night before that the kaliedoscope was due! She didn't think that was such a good idea (to put it mildly).

And Jack said, "Molly, don't you remember the conversation we had in the car last night about trusting Mom?"

Hmmmmmm.......

Preventitive Health Maintenance and the Life More Abundant

My friend has malaria. She spent the summer in Kenya on a mission trip and while there apparently became lunch for a foul mosquito. After several days in the hospital and starting some antimalarial drugs, she's starting to feel a little less terrible. I went to see her tonight with soup and tea and a silly book. She looked a little pale but better than I expected. How odd it seems that in this day and age someone might get malaria. But people in Africa die of it by the thousands each day. How odd. How odd because we have the medical and pharmacological technology to prevent things like people dying of malaria.

People shouldn't die of things that we can cure or prevent, like pertussis, chicken pox, the flu, meningococcal meningitis, tetnus, and malaria. I'm a health professional; I know how to prevent these illnesses. And when I talk to my patients about their immunizations or preventitive health practices I speak with authority and can easily explain why they need what I have to offer.I'm always amazed when I meet people who don't want their children immunized. My children are all immunized against the illnesses that they are suseptible to. It's what we refer to in the health promotion field as "compliance". I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know how to promote a healthy spiritual life as well. I am more intimate with this than I am of the above mentioned illnesses, because of those, I, personally, have had only 3 (chicken pox, pertussis, and the flu) and recovered quickly from all 3. But I have had a dead spirit for much of my life.

"Abundant life" was not something I received immediately when I "asked Jesus into my heart" at the tender age of 4. That's because the abundant life comes with obedience. And when there is unconfessed sin in our lives (my stronghold was/is/has always been/continues to be "pride") we cannot have the abundant here and now life that Jesus promises.

So until I am intimate with confession, repentance, obedience, and the abundant life that they bring, I cannot speak with authority to others about how to receive it. My spiritual "preventitive health maintenance" recommendations (or "witness" as we S.B. like to call it) is no more appealing than a dirty, moldy, stinky, wet dishrag. I have nothing to offer. It's like me telling a patient they need immunized against the flu when I refuse to be immunized myself.

The immunization against a dead life? It's called confession of sin, repentance (where I actally make a real turn from the offense), and obedience. The result? abundant life. I comply with the recommendations and you'll want what I have. I won't even have to try to convince you.

Of Counting and Being One

Last night my sweet hubby put a "visitor counter" on the bottom of my blog. I thought it might be fun to see if there was EVER anyone I didn't know peeking at my ramblings. We started the count at "25" - his idea- because I've been up for about 3 weeks...maybe a visit per day or so (by him anyway!). I posted my musing for yesterday and lo and behold, the visitor counter started humming!

35...42...58...85!!! The numbers shocked me!

Now, there was a very good reason for all the hits I received last night. People all over the country are mourning the death of a fine pastor, in shock at how it could have happened. I mentioned it in my post and some media update thingy linked up with my blog. When people searched for the pastor's name on line, my post was one of the first things that popped up. They clicked on my link and were brought to my blog.

I don't know if they read anything or not. You can't really tell from the site meter. It appears that most of them didn't stay any length of time at all. And that's ok. But it brought to mind all my recent ramblings about obedience (And don't you know, it's just what "You-Know-Who" talks about today!)

When we are obedient to Christ out of a "oneness" with him...out of a desire to be as He is....out of a love relationship with him, great things happen for His purpose. When we are focused on our usability or functionality within the kingdom, we cease to be of use to Him. Jesus never gives us orders; nor does He give us "help" in obeying Him. He lets us know the standard...where the bar is set. And IF we love him, we will obey...we will follow. And as I obey, I begin to see bits and pieces of who He is, each act of obedience bringing the pixels more and more into focus and that image will run through me and spill out into the lives of others.

While I focus on Him, I have no idea how many lives He has touched through me; that's not what it's about. What it's about is loving Him so selflessly that I can obey with no second thought of myself. My prayer for today...that we be one

Ye Are Not Your Own

Three recent or impending losses have hit the lives of my friends & family in the past 3 days. My friends in Texas lost a dear pastor/friend of their's, Kyle Lake, pastor of the UBC in Waco. My friend, Leah, lost her Granny, and my uncle-in-law is (at last word) hanging on by a thread. What else would Oswald discuss today other than the "breaking of your heart"?

He reminds us that when we align ourselves with God and place ourselves under his bidding, we no longer belong to ourselves. We cease to have a "private life"- all we endure, we endure for the purpose of God.

Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the peirced hand of His Son, and says-"Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.

Tough words to hear when it's your heart breaking, I know. But looking back, I know it's the only way I could have ever made it through. Know, my dear ones, that this is my prayer for you all.

An Evening With Rod

We flew out Friday evening. The flight was great. Rod navigated us around the airport in Dallas like a pro. (I’ve always been afraid to try to travel by myself because I don’t think I could navigate through the airport, pick up baggage, rental car, parking lots…scary!) The hotel is beautiful. There’s a modeling/talent convention going on so there are beautiful young people everywhere you look, with doting, fretting parents just behind. We joked that Rod should go mingle in a sexy shirt that showed off his muscles and it might pay for our trip! We dropped in, unannounced, on some friends who took us to a great Indian place for lunch. Shopped for some concert duds and then found our venue.

The concert was phenomenal. We were on the floor, standing up, in what seemed a pretty far back place. But the stage came out into the crowd in a ½ circle type runway (the VIP people were sitting inside the circle part of the stage). When Bono walked out on the catwalk part he was only about 10 feet away from us! It was all so much larger than life!

They opened with City of Blinding Lights from How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Then went on with Vertigo. It was 2 hours of U2 at their finest. They played all the best and greatest (except Gloria and Grace). They pulled a guy out of the audience just in front of us who had a sign that said, “I can play!” They gave him a guitar and he picked the song (One of the only ones I didn’t recognize- Angel of Harlem). Bono pulled a girl out of the VIP section and hugged her all the way through With or Without You. They ended with a worship set: Yahweh, All Because of You, and 40. Afterwards, Rod got a concert shirt and bought us all ONE “livestrong” bracelets. It was an incredible night and a totally awesome show; one I will never forget.

The best part was the company.
Thanks, Babe.

Calling All Warriors!

It's 10 PM and all is not quite well. It's been a rough week with two school projects due and consistent cable outages (consistently out when your kids need it most!) We leave tomorrow for a trip I've been counting down the days for for almost 7 months. We had all the fine details worked out and all we had left to worry about were the "what ifs". That was until all h--- broke loose (at least some of it anyway!)

We've sensed for some time now that we have been under attack so I guess it's comforting, in a way, that I'm starting to recognize the master demon's techniques. Unfortunately, it seems he is getting a little more bold these days. Our babysitter for the weekend has come down with a terrible illness and it seemed that there was no one else to whom we could trust our little ones. I've been angry that he would attack an innocent bystander, just to get at Rod and me. We'd been sending up profuse prayers over this but kept running into dead ends. Finally, today, (less than 24 hours before we were to leave for the airport), things started to take on a more positive shape. No sooner had I breathed a sigh of relief than I curbed my tire on edge of Will's piano teacher's driveway and slit a hole big enough for my fist through the rubber wall. Just then a black cat ran across the road in front of us. I yanked Molly out of the car and we began the short trek down the road to her dance class. As she jumped out of the road to the grassy edge, I had to pull her hand to keep her from landing on a dead, black crow. "Calling cards," I thought.

Molly and I prayed while we walked passed the Salvation Army and talked about how God can turn bad things into good things for those who love him. She's learning how God can be trusted to come through, even in the black stuff. I'm learning too. But I'm also learning my attacker's signature. I recognize his finger prints all over and I'm bolstered by the recognition.

Great warriors, like good coaches, study their advisaries prior to confrontations. I am to do no less. Somehow I feel like I can handle all these "unfortunate events" when I know who's behind them. There are less feelings of "why me, Lord?" and more of "Come on, God; let's go get him!"

Never-the-less, I sure would appreciate a little help from you prayer warriors out there! It's always a good strategy to fight together, as a circle of friends.

I've Got Readers!!!

When my husband gave me my blog site, I wasn't exactly sure what I would do with it. I am not a deep thinker and theologian like him. I'm not poetic. And I'm a little shy about sharing my thoughts. I worry that I'm wrong and I don't handle conflict or disagreement well! I never thought I'd be excited that someone other than my husband had read my site. But this morning when he told me that I'd had visitors and that they even left comments, I was thrilled! This could get addicting!
And God said, "Imagine how thrilled I am when you read MY stuff and comment!"

when the words won't come

senses or feelings
gifts that defy expression
what was the purpose?

Waiving My Rights

"Give it to God"
"Just hand it all over to the Lord"
"Let go and let God"

Cute little Christianese for something I have never really been able to accomplish. I have given Jesus my life, my hurts, my sorrows; I have handed them to him; I have laid them before him; I have requested he take them; And I have thrown them at him. Sorry...it never worked for me. I always remained holding my stuff and wondering what on earth I was supposed to do with it!

Then one day Oswald created a new view for me. He said I cannot give Jesus something that is not mine to give and that the only thing I have that I can give is the right to myself. Now, for some reason, that made sense! It seems too abstract to say I need to give Jesus my life. I NEED my life so I can live! How do you give someone your life? But to give Jesus the right to myself...that I understood!

I could see what giving Jesus the right to myself looked like. For instance, I have the right to feel pain when someone behaves in a careless or selfish manner towards me. I have the right to feel negative feelings towards them. I have the right to live my life the way I want to live my life...it's my life. But to give up the right to that pain; to give up the right to those negative feelings; to give up the right to live my life in a mutually selfish manner. Now that was sacrifice! But it was something I understood!

As I sat there and let it all soak in, I began to offer my right to my pain to my Lord. And Jesus took my pain, and felt it, and had compassion on me. It was compassion unlike any human compassion I had ever experienced. He called me his child and wept for me. He bound up my wounds with his tender love and I knew then and there that I had a friend that would stick closer than any brother. This is the kind of compassionate Lord that I can give the right to myself to. I can give him my right to live my life for me. I actually want to. I would give him anything. But truth be told, all I have to offer is my right to myself...and for now, that'll have to do.

Soaking in God

You know as a wife and mother I do a lot of laundry. I love the soak cycle. That's when the noisy washing machine takes a break and suddenly the tension in the house lightens a little as you realize you didn't realize how noisy that machine is! Just before the soak cycle is a great pouring out of torrents of water all over the clothes. The sound of the rushing water can drown out the telephone ringing, three children screaming, and a miniature schnauzer barking all at once. Then there is the steady agitation that makes sure there is nothing settled in the tub at all. All this chaos and stirring up. All this unrest. Then the peace of the whole process resting, sitting quietly still... soaking.

Today Oswald was talking about placing ourselves to soak in God, and, being a mom, my mind immediately went to the laundry room! He was discussing how the busyness of life so often gets in the way of a personal relationship with Christ. Busyness...it's every mom's number one enemy against really getting to know who God is. (OK, it's MY number one enemy!). Sure, our "overactive energies" are so often for good. Toting kids, creating school projects and family dinners, serving in church and striving at the gym...all for good reasons. But all the antithesis of the soak cycle.
During the soak cycle we breathe in the detergent filled water that finds the dirt, lifts it away and penetrates our souls with the clean, fresh, Living Water. And here, we learn to allow God to pass through our stain filled lives and we come out on the other side clean, refreshed, renewed... ready for service.

Soaking is also essential in woodworking so I'm told. I believe Christ was particularly fond of woodworking. Wood soaked in water becomes moldable and pliable. Molded into the shape God needs. Pliable so that it doesn't break or snap under pressure.

Soaking is what tree roots do. Lifting nourishment from the earth to the limbs that lift in praise towards heaven.

Soaking is what bathtubs are for...resting...warm...vulnerable yet secure...I like the soak cycle.

No, I can't stay in the soak cycle forever; just like the washer goes on to agitate some more and then spin. The spin cycle sometimes frightens me (I think my washing machine has become possessed and is going to march right out of the laundry room and eat me!) But maybe if I soak enough, I'll come out of the spin cycle not only unscathed, but brighter and more beautiful than when I went in.

The Freedom of Obedience

I have recently had two very significant experiences with sin in my life. This is significant for someone who has often wondered what sin looks like and how to recognize it. I don’t mean that I’m perfect. I mean that I really wasn’t exactly sure what sin looked like in my life. I had asked God to show me but maybe I wasn’t ready to see it. Maybe I was blinded with pride. (This is another blog for another day!) Anyway, God has been merciful enough to show me at this point and it has been a much less frightening experience than I thought it would be. I guess I always thought that having sin exposed in my life would be horrendously painful. That I would be so moved to repentance and remorse that I would tear out my hair, starve myself for days and shred my clothes. Honestly, not something I was too interested in experiencing. But when I learned for real the loving character of my God and how it would be inconsistent with his character to bull whip me, I found that when I responded to revelation of sin in my life with real repentance, it actually led to this amazing freedom that Jesus talks about (John 8:31)!

My first revealed sin was when a friend asked me for help in a family emergency. I offered the needed help and promptly turned to another, mutual friend to ask for prayer for this first friend. When I realized (not until the next day….I’m a slow learner) that I had broken the first friend’s trust, I called her immediately and offered a confession and called the second friend immediately to request that the information not be shared any further. Luckily, the second friend was very trustworthy and assured that everything would be fine. Whether the first friend forgave or not wasn’t really the point. I had humbled myself before my God, confessed my sin, LEARNED SOMETHING, and did what He asked me to do. This obedience was incredibly freeing. Imagine never having a friend mad at you again because you couldn’t be trusted with confidential information! Imagine the non-existent wounds that would no longer need bound by me learning how it breaks my God’s heart when I sin in this way. Imagine the feeling of having everything right with my God, my maker, my redeemer!

My second revelation was concerning something similar. God shared Matthew 18:15 with me so that I would know that it was sinful to share how someone had hurt me before going to that person with the hurt first. I guess I’ve never been good at recognizing sin in anyone’s life. I always thought that if I got hurt by someone else that it was because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time or that I was somehow at fault. Other people don’t sin against me! What would make me so special that someone would or could sin against me? No, I was just being overly sensitive! But then I would find another friend and share with him or her exactly how so and so had hurt me. They would offer sympathy, I would feel better but a splinter had been buried deep into the original relationship. The wound would fester until the relationship was permanently damaged and neither of us would have any idea what happened. God does not want our relationships to be injured in this way. He commands us in Matthew 18:15 to go to the offending party, present the fault to him or her alone (so that it is JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU) and attempt to solve it in this way. Well, when I confessed this behavior to my very best friend in the whole world, he was hurt, yes, but he was touched (I believe) by my confession and he forgave me. It will take years and years to clean all the wounds. But imagine the freedom I have experienced knowing that I’m not going to create any more splinters to fester. That if I do, I can quickly confess and remove it before it becomes infected.

God is really merciful. He knew I’d mess up in these ways and he knew how to prevent it, he knew how to fix it and he provided a way. These two steps of obedience were like a baby’s first steps for me. They were difficult…the whole confession part. But they have been exciting! And although I am disappointed in my sinfulness, I don’t really feel that tearing my hair out is the answer. Confession and repentance are much easier and much less injuring! They are actually very freeing and I praise God that He provided a way like this!

weaving

What color you’d become is hard to tell
When first you chanced upon a purple flow
Though certain in yourself, you’d heard the knell,
Still woven there within - the orange glow.
Perhaps it wasn’t something seen by most
Who want with army drab the world embue.
The white clone-capped and khaki cladded host
Wish everyone were clad in some plain hue
The warp and woof beneath the dresses blue
With ruffles, lacy petals, blooming fleur
The roundy, naveled, citrus fruit still grew
With dimpled skin, and radiant allure.
Though orange may be purple-color-blind
The purple heart will always orange find.