If You Love Me

Scenario: One is busy doing what one does (working, playing, fishing, living...) and Jesus appears out of nowhere and cooks you breakfast. And then he asks you, not once, not twice, but three times, "Do you love me?"

I have pondered the verses of John 21:15-17 many times in my life. I've wondered what it must have felt like to have Jesus question you as to your love for him. Jesus knows everything! So He obviously didn't ask because he didn't know. There must be another reason he asked. Some people say he had to ask to make Peter say it out loud three times to nullify the three denials. I don't buy that. Sure, there's an obvious pattern there- three declarations of love to cancel out three denials. But it seems slightly legalistic to me. And besides, simply saying that you love someone never convinces them! It takes something more. Maybe the person who needed convincing wasn't Jesus, but Peter. Maybe Jesus asked him three times to make Peter assess his love for him. We don't know why Jesus asked him but we do know it hurt him that Jesus had to ask, it says so in verse 17. And know I would be hurt as well.

I would hope that Jesus could take one look at my life and see that I loved him. But you know, sometimes (maybe most times!) I believe that I'm out fishing, just like Peter had been. And no one at all can tell that I love him.

Jesus had appeared to the disciples on two other occasions before this scene since his death and resurrection. And it would appear that although the miracle has happened, it hasn't really had much effect on their lives. Peter's hanging out with his buds and says, "I'm done here, y'all. I'm going fishing." There are no stories of great miracles or overt demonstrations of love for Christ since he's appeared to them. Life has a rather stagnant feel to it.

Contrast this with Acts chapter 9. This is a different Peter we're seeing now. He's traveling all over the country, visiting the saints. He heals a paralytic named Aeneas and raises Dorcas from the dead. This is a man who is out and about the things of Christ. There would be no doubt in ones mind that Peter loved Jesus. Why? Because he's doing what Jesus asked him to do: taking care of His sheep.

In John 14:21, Jesus says that that's how he'll know if we love him- if we are obeying his commands. And his commands to us are very much like his command to Peter to take care of his sheep. We are to become holy like He is holy. (Three times in the book of Leviticus, God commands this: Lev. 11:44-45, 19:2 & 20:7) We are to love one another as He has loved us (John 15:12). We study the character of God and pursue Him. We learn to have a heart of compassion like His and we act on it. We learn in Psalm 72 that God has a heart for the poor and the needy; we see the Proverbs 31 woman must love Him, for she has that same heart (Proverbs 31:20). We learn by example and spur each other on to do the same (Hebrews 10:24)

And maybe then, He won't have to ask.

Thanksgiving in February

Most people spend the third or fourth week of November making conscious notes of their blessings. Like most people, I do think about that around Thanksgiving. But I think about it more in February.

We celebrate a lot of birthdays in our family during this month, from January 21st (my mother-in-law) to February 21st, my youngest son's. There's my mother on February 6th, my husband's on February 10th and my oldest son's on February 18th. By the time poor Wilby's birthday pulls up the tail on the 21st, we're all sick and tired of cake! (I guess the fact that we took him to Shoney's for apple pie for his first birthday should have been a warning!) But despite all that cake, the cards, and the calories (don't forget there's Valentine's Day thrown in there in the middle!) it really is all about the blessings.

My mother-in-law is the kind of mother-in-law all girls should dream of having. She raised her son to be the best possible husband and friend. She is an encourager. I have never once heard her speak ill of anyone. She is beautiful inside and out and I would love to have some of her rub off on me!

My own mother is the world's greatest giver. She makes, bakes, cans, sews, calls, writes, visits. She's a hard worker and a great friend. She was my Girl Scout leader (and the very best one in the whole state- I must add!) All of my friends were jealous of me when we were growing up- they all wanted my mom for theirs! She still stays involved from over 500 miles away, sending clippings from newspapers and calling to see how "today" went- whatever "today" it may have been: first day of school, first day of braces, first day with your new present.

My husband defies description. Just ask one of his students and they'll agree. He's one of the most (if not the most) unique individuals ever. I chose a Valentine for him with a princess and a knight in shining armor. It aptly called him the Champion of My Heart. He has been my champion over the years, fighting battles for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He has prayed holes in the knees of his jeans for me. He has loved me when I have been very unlovable, vowing to never give up on me.

My son Jack has never ceased to amaze me from the moment I first felt him move in my belly til this very morning. His compassion and wisdom have always been way beyond his years. He is dependable, respectful, and talented. He's even really good looking! I have been so blessed to watch him mature and to see him rise up to challenges that kids much older than he would easily back away from.

My younger son, Will, has been a smile on my face since conception! We considered the name "Isaac" for him- even before he was born, because it means laughter. I believe if you know him, you might agree that we should have followed our first instinct! Although he is delightfully creative and a beam of pure sunshine, like most extremists can swing just as far the other way. His pains and fears are ravishing. Sometimes I wish he didn't have to feel things so deeply but I know that that is the reason he is the marvelous creature that he is! I expect such wonderful things from both of my sons!

I can't stop there, you know. I have a daughter whose birthday is really in November, when all this reflection on blessings is supposed to happen. I guess she just didn't get the memo that in our family, Thanksgiving is in February! Or maybe she was just a little early (no...more likely she was a lot late!). Anyway, talk about blessings overflowing. She lives life constantly on the edge- exploring, pushing, trying harder than I ever tried at anything. Her 4 MB lime green i-Pod is almost full, with artists ranging from the B52's and Anberlin to Yo-Yo Ma and the cast of Annie! What 11 year old do you know that can sing the entire Best of Pat Benetar CD- without the lyric sheet?!? She does it all this way, from dancing on her toes to playing her new cello to defending picked on kids at school.

I suppose I could go on and on- my Dad, my sisters and their families, my in-laws- all of them jewels. That's what I mean when I say that February is Thanksgiving for me. With this landfall of birthdays right here in 4 weeks, I am forced to face the music...

I am blessed.

Love That's Bigger Than My Body

Last night, my sweet hubby took me to the John Mayer concert. This was one of my Christmas presents from him. I had been looking forward to this event even before I knew we were going!

I've been plagued with a neck injury for about three weeks or so now. It's trying to ruin my life! But I was going to enjoy last night despite the pain! I'd purchased a special outfit to wear- including necklace and earrings- just a few days after Christmas. I soaked in the tub, took a quick nap and an extra dose of pain medicine. I was determined! But the injury prevailed. The concert was wonderful. The company even better. Afterwards we even met up with some friends at a coffee shop to put the cherry on top of the already great evening. But by the time we got home, I was a mess. There is no way you can fake it through terrible physical pain.

I wonder why we think we can? Why do we think we're so much stronger than we really are? Even though last night was dampened by my physical condition, it will go down in my history books as one of the best nights of my life... you know why? Because of love. There have been so many times I haven't noticed how much I am loved but last night was not one of them. I was a princess, chosen and cherished. And that love is what will stick in my memory- not the pain, not the way it didn't all happen just the way I had planned. Just the love.

Thanks, Babe. You were perfect.

Training for the Long Run

About 2 years ago, my eldest son started taking an interest in running and went out for the middle school track team. One day, I talked him into going for a run with me. It was a little over 3 mile run; not bad for a beginner, but up the long hill at the end, he really started to lag behind. I ran the hill and then jogged back for him, encouraging him along the way.

Last Saturday, he and I went for another run. This time, we were doing my five mile route. He outpaced me from the very start and although I can run this course without much difficulty, somewhere near the middle, I just let him go. He'd turn around every now and then to see if he was supposed to go straight or take an upcoming turn and I'd signal him on- each time from further away. Eventually, I lost sight of him- he knew the way home.

Earlier that day, we were discussing the book of Daniel over danishes and sodas at a local coffee shop, while we waited for little sister to finish up her dance class. I wanted to impress him with my newly gained knowledge of the fulfillment of kingdom prophesies in the second chapter. I was blown away by the fact that Cyrus was mentioned by name 150 years before he came into being as the one who would set the Israelites free from their Babylonian captivity. (See Isaiah 45). He was unimpressed... he already knew all of that and even pointed out some other prophesies mentioned in Jeremiah about the same deal. He had learned all about this in his small group that meets on Sunday nights. We went on to discuss the pertinence of the book of Daniel for all of society today, especially for teens as they seek who they really are and what they really believe. We drew parallels between the 15 year old Daniel and his friends and himself, who will turn 15 in just a few days. I was amazed at his understanding and a little disappointed that I had never learned these truths at his young age.

How rewarding as a parent to watch him run so far ahead- even to out of sight. And how encouraging when I saw him jogging back up the road to finish the run beside me.

Ecclesiastes 8:1 Lesson

So the evening was going just fine. My three beautiful and talented children were starting to wind down for the night when the youngest decided she wanted to sing for me. It was beautiful. I've always been a sucker for family music time so I egged her on and with very little coaxing, she sang for me again. Then we called her brother down and he picked up the fiddle solo in the song. The 3 minute before-bed-serenade became a 45 minute family concert and my heart was filled to overflowing with pride. Then somewhere the bottom fell out and there were tears and screams and doors slamming. Where did I go wrong?

In total desperation and angst, with tears streaming down my own cheeks, I grabbed my computer and typed "help raising children john rosemond" in the google search box. The computer churned for a moment and then, with a sigh of helplessness, went blank. The problem was apparently even too much for a computer! Now what!?! Am I to be left totally helpless in this situation? Is even my computer going to turn its back on me?

Rod came home from the gym and did his best to cheer me up (with faint screams still echoing in the distance) and something he said reminded me of something I'd been studying in Daniel- something about why we act the way we do; about how the world holds us in a self-serving, self-centered, "friendly captivity" that causes us to say, "I am the only one; there is no other but me."(Isaiah 47:10) There was my parenting tip. There was my wise counsel. Not in my computer. Not something written by some mere human parenting guru. It was wisdom of the wisest sort. The very words of God- the greatest parenting guru of all!

One of these days I'll learn. And if my kids are going to survive, sooner would be better!

There's nothing better than being wise, Knowing how to interpret the meaning of life.
Wisdom puts light in the eyes,
And gives gentleness to words and manners.

-Ecclesiastes 8:1 (The Message)

Walking in the Dark

I once read a true story in Guide Posts about a young girl who was driving her car early in the morning and when she went around a bend in the road, she was blinded by the early morning sun. She continued on her path, hoping to stay on the road and unfortunately, struck and killed a woman who was getting her mail from her roadside mailbox. The story was written by the woman's daughter and the beauty of the story was how God had given her the grace to move beyond the tragedy and the beautiful relationship that developed between her and her mother's "killer".

That story came back to mind this AM while reading Oswald. He spoke of the blinding darkness that sometimes follows a vision from God. How sometimes, when God tells us He's about to do great things, it seems He actually does nothing and how we are tempted, so often to "do for Him", like Abram did with Hagar. And what a mess it makes. I thought about the tragedy that follows when we set out on our own in darkness- without light to lead the way.

I've been reading in Isaiah a lot lately. There are so many precious gems in that book. And this morning I was blessed with another new favorite: Isaiah 50:10-11

Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

I've always been afraid of the dark. I had to have the hall light on as a child and slept with a night light by my head. As a child, if I woke in darkness, I would immediately become totally still, listening with all my might for signs of danger, of tigers prowling about in the cellar. But sometimes lighting a light in the dark could make it worse. Camp fires can be particularly tormenting, especially if I happen to know there are bears in the area! The way the fire leaps and dances, cracks and pops; the way it makes the shadows dance and things that aren't even real take on frightening shapes. My imagination can really go wild!

But dancing torch fires or camp fires are the limit of our abilities to light the world around us in our own power. With our own wisdom and logic, we create just enough light to make the shadows dance, or even worse, create shadows where real danger can hide. God shows us in Isaiah 50 how Jesus used his ears to listen at these times of darkness rather than make fires that can make things worse. With Jesus as our model, we are to do the same: open our ears and listen to his instruction. He promises us that His arm is not too short to save us, that He does not lack the strength to rescue us. The truly wise will wait and listen in the darkness and rely totally on God to bring them through.

God grant me the wisdom to stand still and listen so I don't make a mess of things today. I'm relying on You.

Old Truck; New Truck

Recently my husband said he hoped it never occurred to me to put him a comparison chart with something else like he did his old truck and his new truck. Seeing as I haven't ever had an "old husband" I really didn't know what I'd compare him to. But the thought was intriguing so here it is, Babe. I just couldn't resist the temptation!



Looks like we both did pretty well!

Dead Trees and Burnt Out Lights

I'm trying to finish taking down my Christmas decorations today. It seems I'm last in the neighborhood this year. Even my next door neighbor (who's always late at taking her stuff down) has beat me this year. It's just hard to do. There's just no excitement in it- it all fizzled out!

We're always a little later at getting our stuff up than our neighbors. Seems like Thanksgiving hits and everyone's racing to beat the other guy to get their stuff up. We usually wait until at least the first or second week of December. Then it's running around every night to light the lights in the windows, on the porch, on the mantel, and of course the tree. In the beginning, the tree gets lots and lots of water. This year, Rod went to water it one day and it immediately spilled on the floor; I had just watered it. Then things seem to taper off a bit. We forget to light the lights one night or more likely, we forget to turn them off. Then they burn all day and, well, we might as well leave them on- it'll be dark soon. That's probably why I need new lights on my porch garlands next year!

It occurred to me as I unwound the burnt out lights from the porch garlands how similar our personal relationships with Christ can be to all of this. How when things are exciting we can stay in tune, how we pray, study, sing, how all of life can be about Him and our relationship. And how once the pattern sets in, the novelty wears off, we can forget, get bored, and simply careless. And maybe I'm only talking about myself.

When I took the tree outside the other day to leave for the garbage pickup, it was bone dry- not a drip of water in the stand. The once full of life, soft needles had become brittle weapons of destruction tearing into my hands and forearms making them bleed. The mess it made was awful- not just the mess on me but on the floor, the porch, the sidewalk...everywhere it went- a mess.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
- Psalm 1:1-3

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
- John 15:5-8

Full Life vs. Peace

Ok! ok! Alright already! I'm back! (It's nice to feel loved and missed!- thanks!)

So, you wonder (or maybe you don't) what on earth has kept me from blogging! And of course, I'd have to say it was a VERY FULL LIFE!! We've had holidays, traveling, kids out of school, company from far and near (which have ALL stayed up WAY past their bedtimes!) We've bought a new ride and boogered it up. I've gotten new insurance and it doesn't work, kids have had basketball, and ballet, and concerts, and doctors' appointments... the list goes on and on! Wow! And this is what I dreamed of when I was little and couldn't wait to grow up?

Really, when I was little, all I ever wanted was to grow up into a "full" life. I thought for life to be full and complete, all I would need was a husband to love me. Then maybe some kids to take care of and love. Of course, I'd need a job that I loved and in which I found personal satisfaction and respect. To get all that (including the loving husband) I had to go to college. There I learned that education was imperative for having a complete life. So after I got married, I had to get even more education. While in pursuit of that, I discovered that a full life really wasn't fully complete until I had a house in which the children didn't have to all share one tiny bedroom and a job that made more money and heralded more respect. I was hot on the trail of the American Dream.

And somewhere in all of that, I crashed.

This morning, while reading in Isaiah, I noticed that Eugene Peterson had translated some of my favorite passages wrong. I've grown up spiritually in the NIV. So when I read Isaiah 26:3, I read that God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is steadfast on him. And further on, in verse 12, God establishes peace for me. In Job 22:21, I am instructed to submit to God and I will be at peace with him and prosperity (ahh...I like that word!) will come to me. And then back in Isaiah 27:5 I am invited to make peace with God. Ultimately, in Romans 5:1, Paul tells me that the whole process of justification by faith (difficult to understand with just those words) will result in peace with God (that I can appreciate!) But what did Dr. Peterson do wrong? In every instance, he translated the word peace as full life, whole life or completeness. So out of curiosity, I flipped over to the most famous of peace verses: Isaiah 9:6. Was Jesus going to be the Prince of the whole life?!?

And guess what?

I read:

His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness!

Now what does one do with that? One goes to the lexicon!

This word is the Hebrew word ~wlX or shalowm meaning:

1. completeness, soundness, welfare, peace
   1. completeness (in number)
   2. safety, soundness (in body)
   3. welfare, health, prosperity
   4. peace, quiet, tranquillity, contentment
   5. peace, friendship
      1. of human relationships
      2. with God especially in covenant relationship
   6. peace (from war)
   7. peace (as adjective)
   -Crosswalk.com

There it was- the number one word in the definition: Completeness. Peace with God is equated to completeness- a whole, complete, full life.

When my world came crashing down around me, I realized that I wasn't at peace with anyone- not my family, my friends, myself, and least of all God. In my struggles to find that full and complete life, I had abandoned all to the pursuit and in it, I lost all semblances of peace. But God is a good God who doesn't forget his children when they stray.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.
-Isaiah 54:10

And

Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I will never forget you- never. Look, I've written your names on the backs of my hands.
-Isaiah 49:15-16

When we come back to him, we find that he has wiped the slate of all our wrongdoings. There is nothing left of our sin. "Come back, Come back. I have redeemed you," he calls. (Isaiah 44:22). This was his plan from the very beginning. A plan for redemption and reconciliation. A plan for a full and complete life, at peace with him. Why do we have to learn the hard way? Why don't we just listen? It's a fair question: God asks it himself.

If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river (NIV)

or in Dr. Peterson's translation:

If you had listened all along to what I told you, your life would have flowed full like a river, blessings rolling in like waves from the sea. (Isaiah 48:18)

So there's nothing wrong with a full life. In fact, it's what God had planned for me all along. It's just that I have been faithful to the human way of life, just like the Israelites, rather than faithful to God's way- a way so high and above me that it's beyond my understanding.

I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work. For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

But when I submit to him and his high and mighty ways, he promises that I'll go out in joy and be led into a whole and complete life (Isaiah 55:12)

Planting Joy Seeds

I have posted 105 times in the past year and six weeks. I have not posted at all in the past 5 weeks. I sat down this morning and looked over some of my old posts and marveled that I ever had that much to say. I'm quiet now. There has been a blanket of gray over things lately...much like the sky today. It's something I just can't seem to shake. This gray thing has spawned hungry searches through scriptures, prayer, and perusals over books on the Pursuit of God (Tozer) and the Power of Asking (Chambers). I know that God has promised that if we seek Him with all our heart, He will be found (Jeremiah 29:13-14). And I know that it's Jesus' desire that we our joy be complete (John 15). And since I can't seem to find either God or joy, I began to wonder what was wrong with my search. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with our search methods. Sometimes, I think, we just look for the wrong thing.

Nancy Leigh this morning had a guest that said,

People tend to think that if you have the Lord, then you ought to be joyful all the time. But that’s really not the picture that we have in the Bible of anybody who was walking with the Lord. Do we have the joy of the Lord in the midst of trial and difficulty? Yes. But we also suffer grief and sorrow and we live in a fallen world. Part of what that means is that I’m not going to be happy here—the way in which I’m going to be happy when I’m there, when I’m standing with the Lord.

This seems so two sided to me- talking from both sides of her mouth. What is this "joy of the Lord" if it doesn't produce joy here and now? Why only a joy for a future life in Heaven? I'm not against having suffering and sorrow. What I'm against is saying that there is this joy that I'm supposed to have all the time that isn't joy as I know it. It's some different kind of joy.

When you read about joy in the Bible, it seems to me to be the kind of joy that I'm familiar with. (Try it: Go to Biblegateway.com and put the word "joy" in the search box. See if it's not a joy you recognize!) It's joyful dancing in the streets when a battle has been won. It's leaping for joy at the birth of a baby that was believed impossible. It's joy at gazing on God's creation. I know these kinds of joy. And these kinds of joy can be squelched by death, injury, pain, sorrow, sin, sadness, shame, monotony, self-absorption, pride... the list goes on and on. If I listed all the joy-squelchers I'd be here all day!

But something else I noticed while I read these entries on joy was that much of the joyful writers' joy came from knowing that God was in control (see Psalm 97 especially). He speaks of Light-seeds and Joy-seeds being planted in my heart simply from realizing that God is in control. And in Isaiah 55, God says that the covenant He has made with us is that of a "sure, solid, and enduring love". So the God in control has a sure, solid, enduring love for me that isn't going to quit- that can withstand the storms of any death, injury, pain, sorrow, sin, sadness, shame, monotony, self-absorption, pride.... He will still be in control. He will still love me. According to Isaiah 35:8, God's road is a road of redemption, where joy is unfading. A road where He is buying me back from a life of monotony and self-absorption. So I go out on that road of redemption and walk into a life of joy that is complete (Isaiah 55:12-13). A life that knows that God is in control, despite the gray. And then, in my heart, a little tiny seed of Light is planted- a joy-seed.

It's good to know I don't have to wait until Heaven to have joy.

I Love That Scent You're Wearing!

Rod recently bestowed upon me my very own i-Pod, complete with over 700 songs. One of my very favorites is Scarborough Fair, performed exquisitely by Gypsy Soul. An odd little song with a haunting melody, I've never been quite sure what it was about- until now. I've always wondered why they sing, over and over again, "Parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme". And I think I've figured it out- it's about scent and memory. Anyone who has cooked with fresh herbs knows they are heavy, unique scents. This lover is remembering her true love who is gone away and for some reason, the scent of parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme bring back his memory.

There's a scientifically proven link between scent and memory. No other sense can trigger memory as strongly as smell. I think this is interesting when considering the verse from Isaiah that says,

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. (Is. 26:8, NIV)

Now, you may be wondering what scents have to do with this verse- so I'll have to tell you!!! (Watch out! I've been looking up Hebrew words again!) Since I have recently studied "delight" and that word was sometimes translated "desire", I started wondering what this particular "desire" meant. This was a different "desire"- this one is nephesh, meaning the very inner being of who we are- our essence, our soul, appetite, mind. So ponder that: The very essence of my being, my soul, my appetite, desires this thing- that's a deep desire- and for what? The desire is for "God's name and renown".

Hmmm. God's name and renown. I am to have a deep, essence-being desire for God's renown. What does that mean? So I looked up "renown". And here comes the smell... renown is the Hebrew word zeker meaning scent, memory, memorial, remembrance. There they were- scent and memory in one word- together. We are to desire with our innermost being- our very essence- the scent of God- the memory of Him.

Smells are not private things. Just walk down the mall near a Yankee Candle store and you know everyone else is smelling it too- like it or not! We strive to cover our own personal scents with things like deodorants and perfumes. And it is the scent of God that we are to desire to conjure up. We are to desire His scent to be present where ever we are. It's who we are- what we are about in our very essence. And when we bring up this scent of God it will not be a private thing- it will be noticeable to others.

I wonder how often I actually conjure up the scent of God- or even how often it is in my very essence to desire to do so. Can I really claim what Isaiah says as my own, real, desire? Oh how I want to. I want it the way Paul describes it:

In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.
-2 Corinthians 2:14-16 The Message

I want the scent of Christ to eminate from me and to call to mind the God of the universe that others would be drawn to Him. But how does one achieve this? Obviously they don't sell this scent at Bath and Bodyworks but sadly enough, I believe many think they can slip into church and pick it up at the altar on the way out, much like shopping at Bath and Body. No, this scent comes from staying in close proximity to our Lord.

Sometimes Rod rubs my face with his just before he leaves for work for the day. All day long I can smell his cologne from where it rubbed off on me. This is much the same way we are to obtain that scent of God for others to smell. Rub up against Him- close against Him- closer still. So close that His scent rubs off on you. And stay there- praying, praising, reading His word, pondering Him. Then, when we go out into the world, we smell like Him. And who knows what the result of that might be?

Active Delight

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I ran across this verse yesterday in 2 Samuel 22:20 and I pondered what it meant for God to delight in me. To me, the word "delight" means that I enjoy something. I would be "delighted" with a gift, or your company, or dessert! Was this the kind of delight David was talking about? It didn't really seem the same to me, so I looked it up at Crosswalk.com in the Hebrew lexicon.

The word translated here as "delight" was used 71 times in the Old Testament. It was used when Boaz was committing himself to Ruth as her kinsmen redeemer(Ruth 3:13). It's the word used when Isaiah says that God's word will not return without accomplishing what he desires, what he pleases (Is.55:11). It's also the word he uses to say that it was God's desire, his pleasure, to bruise his servant (Is.53:10). It's the delight that is used when Shechem delighted in Dinah that resulted in her kidnapping and rape and ultimately his murder (Genesis 34).

At first it seemed that there were a lot of different meanings. But as I studied each entry, I saw that each time, the delight resulted in something. It was not a static delight like my delight of receiving a gift or experiencing something. It consistently resulted in action. It is the desire of actively seeking. The desire that takes us where we want to go and accomplishes the goal. It found a redeemer for Ruth. God's word accomplishes his will. Jesus was bruised, crucified, killed for us. Dinah's innocence destroyed. And in 2 Samuel 22:20, it resulted in David's rescue.

This is the kind of delight God has in his children. A delight that results in action. It is not a stationary, effect-less delight. God is not far away, uninvolved or removed from his children. Jeremiah 9:24 says that God delights (same word) in loving kindness, judgement, and righteousness in earth. That means that he will accomplish these things. And because we are his, I believe it is through us and in us that these delights will be accomplished.

I like accomplishing what I set out to do. There is little more frustrating to me than to look back over my day and to admit that I have accomplished nothing. In the Psalms, the word is used 17 times but only 5 of those times does it refer to mankind's delight (and one of those five is our delight for war!) People on the whole are probably not exceptionally good at using our desires or delights to accomplish great things. But according to the psalmists, the greatest delight we can shoot for is to delight in our God. Delight in a way that moves us towards him. Delight in a way that improves us and honors him. So I'll leave you with these verses to ponder... and a wish that you have a delightful day!

Psalm 40:8 (NIV)
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.

Psalm 73:25 (NIV)
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

Psalm 112:1 (NIV)
Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands

Psalm 119:35 (NIV)
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.

Breaking the Illusion Addiction

I must admit that lately, I have been discouraged. And today's Oswald was about exactly that. Poor Moses. Can you imagine as a young, influential prince of Egypt, knowing that God had placed you there to liberate your oppressed people only to have Him chunk you to the desert to feed sheep for 40 years? What discouragement!

Sometimes when we are discouraged, we say that we have become "disillusioned". I believed God wanted me in that place doing that certain thing but now it has become obvious that that is not where he wants me. When people become disillusioned, it is sometimes quite easy to become bitter or cynical. "After all I've suffered through, I can tell you what the world is really like!" But Oswald teaches that becoming disillusioned can actually be a very good thing- a very freeing thing. Becoming dis illusioned means becoming free from the magical thinking you have created surrounding a certain circumstance or person. (July 30th) Jesus was consistantly free from illusions or magical thinking. Oswald points out that Jesus never trusted human beings because He knew our hearts, he knew what we were made of. This didn't cause him to become cynical or bitter; it caused him to encourage us to move on. When the disciples fell asleep at Gesthemane, Jesus finally said, "Go ahead and sleep" and then upon returning the last time asked them to wake, get up and get moving- on to the next thing. He accepted that they were unable to do as He requested and accepted what they were capable of doing. He did not have false expectations. He did not have illusions about what we were able to do. (See Matthew 26:43-46)

One of the things I like to do is to read past the ends of "chapters" in the Bible and see how what follows is really part of what preceded. Knowing that the writers didn't put the chapter breaks in, I like to pretend they're not there and often it gives me a new insight into the subject. Take, for example, John 2:24-25, the end of the second chapter of John.

During the time he was in Jerusalem, those days of the Passover Feast, many people noticed the signs he was displaying and, seeing they pointed straight to God, entrusted their lives to him. But Jesus didn't entrust his life to them. He knew them inside and out, knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help in seeing right through them.
-The Message

The first part of the next chapter is the story of Nicodemus questioning Jesus about how one is to be born again. It's quite possible to forget about the last verse in chapter 2 while you are reading this story- the verse that says that Jesus held no false beliefs about humans- he knew their hearts and what they were made of- the verse that says how he knows how untrustworthy we are. But reading on, with that in mind, you come to verses 19-21, where Jesus says to Nicodemus,

This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is.

There it is: Jesus says that this is our crisis: we are addicted to denial and illusion. This is obviously not his crisis because back in chapter 2, we read that Jesus had no illusions (no misrepresentations, no magical thinking) about what we are and what humans are capable of. He didn't trust us. But it didn't make him not love us, either. Jesus wasn't discouraged because he was free from illusions. He saw the picture the way it was- no rose colored glasses.

I don't know if I'm getting across what I'm wanting to say today. It's just that I think this is huge- to see the source of our pain- our disappointment- our discouragement- as the illusions we are addicted to. Moses addicted to the illusion that he could free his people under his own power as a prince of Egypt- disillusioned by 40 years in the desert feeding sheep as a fugitive. Peter addicted to the illusion that he could fight to the death for his Lord- disillusioned by three previously forewarned denials of the same. Saul of Tarsus addicted to the illusion that he could best serve his God by killing all the Christians in his power as a Pharisee- disillusioned by a blinding vision that incapacitated him and possibly left him with his "thorn in the flesh" but changed his life forever, allowing him to become the very disciple of the Jesus he was trying to obliterate. Being disillusioned is no cause for cynism or bitterness- no reason to become discouraged. It is a call to a new life, where I am made into something God can really use. The magical thinking about how things would be done if I were God is removed. And I am left with clear vision of Truth and Reality in which I can walk in and welcome the God-light. None of me...all of God.

Dishwasher Dogma

Last night, as I helped my youngest work on a report about inventions, she complained that she didn't want to know anything about dishwashers- dishwashers were stupid. There was no amount of expository preaching on my part capable of convincing her that finding out about how or why dishwashers were invented could be fun or interesting. Now take that dishwasher away and make her chore actually washing the dishes as opposed to only unloading the dishwasher and her tune might change. That's because she has a "relationship" with the dishwasher; she has experienced it and now can see what a change it has made in her life!

This morning's installment of Oswald was entitled, "Whereby Shall I know?" or "How shall I know?" He explored how we come to an understanding or knowledge of the ultimate Truth. It is through obedience, not study- through experience, not fact recitation- that we come to know God- to have relationship with Him- to love Him.

Anyone can read a Bible and have factual knowledge of God. That does not mean that they will be changed. I know people who can recite John 3:16 in multiple translations (and maybe even several languages) that haven't been truly changed by what it means to be "so loved". They are still filled with bitterness, unforgiveness, judgement, hatred, worry, anxiety, self-centeredness. (Whoa...some of those things hit just a little too close to home...)

Jesus said that if we love him, we will obey him- that if we love him, we will continue doing what he was doing- that we would be about his work, continuing it. And that if we needed him to do anything to help us continue his work, all we need do is ask and he would give. (See John 14:11-14) (On second thought, just read John 14!) Those who had experienced a relationship with him would continue his work, would find it interesting, would pursue what his heart pursued. While those with only knowledge of him, without relationship with him, would attempt to kill him.

This summer, before we went to Petit St. Vincent, I was so excited about it I read everything I could about the place. I would google search PSV every other day, just to see if any new blog sites, travel reviews, or websites had popped up over night. I knew that most travel books in Barnes and Nobles contained only a paragraph or two about PSV. I simply could not get enough information about it. And then we went there...I experienced it. There is nothing like it, no way I could explain it. I didn't blog about it- I couldn't do it- it was too overwhelming, too wonderful. It would take multiple entries to express to you what I experienced there. So many entries, you'd be sick of it! I just didn't even try. (Well, I did try- I just couldn't bring myself to type anything!)

I think that's what Oswald's trying to say about a relationship with God. That until you experience it, it doesn't change you. You can know about it, you can fight it, you can pretend you've been there when you haven't. And you will continue to walk in darkness. But those who know him, who have experienced him, who have obeyed him, have come into a relationship with him that has changed them forever. They have seen a great light and no longer walk in darkness(Isaiah 9:2). This relationship is gained only through experiencing him. And experiencing him requires that you step out on faith and obey. You do what he does. You follow his heart. You may not be able to explain it to someone but you know it's true anyway. You've experienced the dishwasher... and it's a good thing.

Jesus once again addressed them: "I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."
The Pharisees objected, "All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on."
Jesus replied, "You're right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. That fulfills the conditions set down in God's Law: that you can count on the testimony of two witnesses. And that is what you have: You have my word and you have the word of the Father who sent me."
They said, "Where is this so-called Father of yours?"
Jesus said, "You're looking right at me and you don't see me. How do you expect to see the Father? If you knew me, you would at the same time know the Father."

-John 8:12-19 The Message

Caught in His Gaze

I've shared with you that I've been having trouble with worship. Along with that, I'm having trouble with Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately, he's simply an innocent victim of my disgruntled state. So tonight I thought it odd when I thought I clicked my link to Oswald on the top of my screen, a blog of "Chris worship" popped up on my screen! It was a blog with two or three posts completely devoted to Chris Tomlin: seeing him in concert, blurry pictures of the band during the concert, introducing the new guy in the band, a narrative of everything he said and every move he made during the concert, blah, blah, blah. Frustrated, I scrolled down and read a little bit, trying to figure out how on earth this strange blog had "randomly" appeared on my grumpy computer screen! After a few minutes, I figured out that my "Oswald" link was directly above the link for "next blog" on my home page- my finger must have slipped...

So when I read Oswald, he said,

Then Jesus, looking at him (her), loved him (her) . . ." ( Mark 10:21 ). This look of Jesus will require breaking your heart away forever from allegiance to any other person or thing (gulp). Has Jesus ever looked in this way at you? This look of Jesus transforms, penetrates, and captivates. Where you are soft and pliable with God is where the Lord has looked at you. If you are hard and vindictive, insistent on having your own way, and always certain that the other person is more likely to be in the wrong than you are, then there are whole areas of your nature that have never been transformed by His gaze.

Don't you just love Oswald???

The Pursuit of Truth

Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.

For some, I wonder how difficult that must be: to engage their spirit- in anything! What does it mean to engage your spirit?

I know for me, it means being able to face myself and to recognize, if only vaguely, what I see. To reach down inside myself and be familiar with the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, the very character of myself. I believe that for many, this is a very difficult thing to do.

This morning my son showed me his blog where he discussed being able to look into another's eyes and see- truly know- who they are. And that for some, this was extremely difficult. They cannot bear to look into another's eyes, let alone to their own spirit.

I have often felt that society has encouraged me to ignore or suppress my spirit. I was to look as much like someone other than me as possible. Added to that, if I looked at what was deep inside of me- who I was, what I felt and believed- it was frightening. If others knew those thoughts, feelings or beliefs, they might disagree- they might look down on me or worse- those things deep inside of me might actually be wrong. And if I engaged my spirit in these things, I would have to deal with all that. It was easier to not look- to disengage.

Over the past year and a half, I have come to realize that we all have "wrong" deep down inside. And that if we don't face it- head on- there is no peace, no life, no joy. There is only this striving to be like everyone else (who in reality are all striving in vain as well). And because some of the things we have to face when we do face ourselves head on are so ugly, so difficult, so depressing and shameful, it's best to face them with Someone who can do something about them.

The verse doesn't say to fix all these things, to change them in our pursuit of truth. It says that our worship and adoration of God must be done while "engaged"- in touch, involving our spirit where all these things that make us who we are are lodged. We come before God in all our shame and all our glory, knowing who we are, presenting the bad, good and the ugly.

And we pursue Truth.

And when we find It, It changes us.

Moving Through an Open Door

I love having new and unexpected readers! I was checking my site meter today and found a google search for "describe praise in motion". And for some reason, the searcher chose to come to my page. I doubt that they read my "Praise in Motion... Princesses?" post once they saw where they were but it still got me to thinking.

I've been having problems with praise lately. With the transition going on at church, it's been hard to feel God as a friend and praise has been difficult. I know in the depths of my soul that He is truly a friend. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I look back on this difficult time, I will be able to see how it was a good thing and that He was being the best kind of friend. Praise will be easier then. But for now, it's not.

I want that to change. I want to praise Him and feel the intimacy that I've come to know. I'm not mad at Him; I'm just hurt. And until I read a little on how God wants us to worship, I believed that that pain had to be gone before I could worship Him in "spirit and in truth".

When I looked up the verses about worshiping in spirit and in truth, I found to my delight that they are the very words of Jesus. (I've told you before that those are my favorite kinds of verses- the ones where Jesus himself is talking). He is telling the Samaratin woman at the well that the time has come that all people- even Samaratins- are able to worship God and receive salvation. But reading it in The Message helped me with my problem:

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
-John 4:23-24

My worship must engage my spirit in the pursuit of truth. My spirit is in pain. It doesn't say my spirit has to be pain free or happy before I can pursue God. I stand there, in my pain, and I search for Him- the Truth. I pursue Him. I run to His side. And when I find Him, there is comfort there.

Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
Teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord,I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give You my discontent,
I give You my restlessness,
I give You my doubt,
I give You my despair.
I give You all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.
-Celtic Daily Prayer

Now, that may not have been the kind of motion that the google searcher was looking for, but for me, that movement through that open door, into that breathtaking empty space of the path He has prepared for me, into that Truth- that movement is exciting, uplifting, encouraging.

But I still don't have a name for those praise dancers!!

Baby Gap

Some of my close friends (and those of you who have read my profile) know that one of my all time favorite movies is "You've Got Mail". It's not because it's a cute, feel-good chick flick or because the plot is gripping. It's because I am Kathleen Kelly. I've never been brave. All I do is this little thing. I fell in love with my very best friend over walks and talks and letters and Starbucks. I even love daisies- I always have.

This morning I experienced yet another Kathleen moment. It's the scene when she e-mails her "oldest and dearest of friends" and tells him that she is a shop owner and that today, her shop is closing and that "next week it will probably be something depressing like a Baby Gap". I felt that this morning... something dear and precious and very personal to me is gone and it has been replaced with something quite Baby Gap-esque.

Perhaps there's some sort of safety in being homogenous- it seems to be what we strive for. When is the last time you traveled somewhere and were able to find a restaraunt at which to dine or store at which to shop that was unique, personal, intimate? It's so hard to find. I can travel to Pennsylvania and eat at an Applebee's and know before I get there what's on the menu. If I shop for a dress at Old Navy in West Virginia and they don't have my size, I can be quite certain they'll have it here in South Carolina when I get home. And if I can't afford a choice pair of shoes at Ann Taylor Loft, I can always stop by Wal-Mart and get their knock-off version for a tiny fraction of the price. We live in a world of homogeniety- where we strive to look like everyone else, sound like everyone else, be like everyone else. I can dress my baby in South Carolina in exactly the same outfit you do in California because we all shop at Baby Gap.

How unlike our Father, who made thousands of different kinds of ants, tens of thousands of different kinds of blossoms. Who thought of giraffes and platypusses and hummingbirds. A Creator who seems to revel in the brilliance of diversity and self expression.

My husband is a worship leader. Did I ever tell you that? He has been "gifted" in a way that few are to lay bare the souls of those who worship with him before an Almighty God. I treasure worshipping under his leadership. And now that has changed.
Some person will probably think it's a tribute to this religion, about how we study what people like and if we appeal to their musical style preferences or emotions we'll draw more people into the fold. I know because it's the sort of thing I'm always saying.

People are always telling me that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened...the truth is, I'm heartbroken.

-Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail

A Lesson in Intentionality

Numbers 15:30-36

"But the person, native or foreigner, who sins defiantly, deliberately blaspheming God, must be cut off from his people: He has despised God's word, he has violated God's command; that person must be kicked out of the community, ostracized, left alone in his wrongdoing."

Once, during those wilderness years of the People of Israel, a man was caught gathering wood on the Sabbath. The ones who caught him hauled him before Moses and Aaron and the entire congregation. They put him in custody until it became clear what to do with him. Then God spoke to Moses: "Give the man the death penalty. Yes, kill him, the whole community hurling stones at him outside the camp."

So the whole community took him outside the camp and threw stones at him, an execution commanded by God and given through Moses.

The Message

The people who sinned accidently could be forgiven by offering an "absolution offering". Absolution meaning a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties (Dictionary.com) The guy in this story obviously wasn't qualified for this type of offering. His sin was deliberate. And his story immediatly follows the instructions from God to the Israelites about how to handle deliberate sin. So he's an example. An example of how NOT to be intentional.

What is it that he did? He gathered wood on the Sabbath. He set about meeting his needs for a fire (to cook with, to stay warm) by working to gather wood on a day that he was supposed to be keeping holy- a day that he was supposed be resting and contemplating God. Instead, he contemplated his own state of affairs and realized he'd come up short and that needed fixing. He needed to fill his needs; needed to break the rules to take care of himself. Surely God isn't so mean as to say that we should go hungry and cold just because he wants us to sit still and know him. Surely he's not that self-centered. But the judgement he passed on this wood-gathering gentleman wasn't a statement about his need or lack of plannning but the crime of his heart: The intentionality.

This gentleman lived in a close knit community. He needed wood and possibly would be very hungry and very cold if he didn't have wood for a fire. He was poor, in need, and his community failed him. I'll bet you that the guy in the tent next door had wood. And if he didn't have enough wood for this gentleman's entire family, he may have one extra piece. And then the guy in the tent next to his could have given one and so on and so on until this gentleman would have had wood enough. But chances are, he never let anyone know of his need. And wouldn't he have looked silly having not planned to have enough wood to make it through the Sabbath? His sin was pride. He wasn't going to ask because then he'd look silly. He'd have to take a chance on the charity (a.k.a. LOVE) of his community.

But that's the way God wants it to be. We know each other's needs, we reach out in love. There is no pride, no heart sin, no defiance. There is community. There is forgiveness. There is love... and most of all... life.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3 (NIV)

A Breeze or a Miracle: Which Would You Choose?

This morning, I was studying my Sunday School lesson about believing God. I've read Beth Moore's book, Believing God, so I knew exactly what she was talking about this morning since much of what she was saying was from that book. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping for fodder for a blog. Not that it wasn't inspiring, but I'd read it before and even blogged it before.

Now, I like to run- especially outside. One of the things I enjoy most about running outside is that God often speaks to me while I run. Since it's been a long time since I've been inspired to blog, I asked God if He wouldn't mind speaking to me this morning. So I hit the trails with my ears and heart wide open.

My mind seemed to wander for the longest time and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. But somewhere around 2 or 2 1/2 miles, I started praying for a breeze. I thought, "Come on, Father. I'm asking and I believe you can do this. It's just a breeze I want. A father gives good things to his children. You certainly control the wind. I know you can do this!" I believed with all my might He could, and even wanted to do this for me. Yet no breeze came.

As I struggled up a long hill, I heard Him say, "That's just the problem; you always ask for answers to your struggles in ways that the world can supply. What if you didn't finish this run with the comfort of a breeze, but in super natural strength? What if you accomplished this goal in My strength- not yours? Do you believe Me when I say that that's what I want to give you? Not just a breeze, but a super natural strength?"

That's the question... Do you believe? A breeze is such an easy answer. What He offers is so much more.

Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
Philippians 3:14 The Message