Goals vs. the Journey

In the quiet drizzly-ness of this morning, I took a long overdue trip back to the Oswald site and discovered among many things, that he's the one who inspires me to blog. Actually, I already knew that but was hoping deep in my heart that I could blog without reading him! There's just something in processing what he writes that gets my juices flowing and this morning was no different.

I have been immersed in goals lately. They have been swarming around me from so many different facets of my life that they have been causing a lot of anxiety. I suppose having unreached goals doesn't produce anxiety for everyone but for some reason, the goals I've set for this summer are huge to me - and I'm not there. So this level of panic is rising in me as I see the summer coming to a close and I have not achieved what I have set out to accomplish. Some of the goals don't even have deadlines and yet I'm stressing over them. Many of them I have placed on myself but some just come with the job of being me. Rod asks me what's wrong and all I can tell him is that I feel so out of control. Like the disciples in a storm tossed boat with the goal to get to Bethsaida by morning (Mark 6:45-52), I'm out of control, at the mercy of the elements.

But here's the kicker: Jesus walks past the disciples and his presence isn't even comforting. They're so stressed out by now that they're scared "out of their wits" when they see him. Now realize, this happened AFTER the famous Jesus-sleeping-in-the-stern; Scared-disciples-wake-him-up; Accuse-him-of-not-caring-if-they-die; Jesus-calms-the-storm-story! (Mark 4:35-41) So the disciples have already had a very similar experience on this very same sea with a bad storm. They've already seen their beloved teacher calm the storm in three words. The only difference is that this time they set out without him so that he had to walk on the water to get to them. And once again, they are terrified.

Now grant it, Jesus sent them off "without him" but he was never really away from them. The bible says he could see them and that he knew what they were struggling against. So he came to them but they were terrified because they thought he was a ghost. There was no recall that this was the man who had just fed 5,000 people supper with five loaves of bread and two fish. There was no memory of him calming the sea, healing the sick, or raising the dead. All they knew was that this sea they were in was out of control with deadly waves, whipping wind, and now ghosts!

So here I am, storms, wind, waves, ghosts- all preventing me from reaching the shore. I'm fighting waves of anxiety and bursts of panic over goals that seem out of reach. Insert Oswaldian wisdom: The goal isn't to reach the shore. And the sooner I realize that, the sooner I will find relief. The goal is to see Jesus walking on the storm- to see his calming approach, totally aware of where I am and where I need to be. To see Jesus in control and recognize him, embrace him, trust him. The goal is to be transformed from an anxiety-laden, goal-focused self, to a trusting, peace-filled disciple who rides out the storms knowing that that's where the growing happens. That's where the Maker meets me and teaches me that life isn't about accomplished goals, it's about him glorified in the journey.

Walking in the Dark

I once read a true story in Guide Posts about a young girl who was driving her car early in the morning and when she went around a bend in the road, she was blinded by the early morning sun. She continued on her path, hoping to stay on the road and unfortunately, struck and killed a woman who was getting her mail from her roadside mailbox. The story was written by the woman's daughter and the beauty of the story was how God had given her the grace to move beyond the tragedy and the beautiful relationship that developed between her and her mother's "killer".

That story came back to mind this AM while reading Oswald. He spoke of the blinding darkness that sometimes follows a vision from God. How sometimes, when God tells us He's about to do great things, it seems He actually does nothing and how we are tempted, so often to "do for Him", like Abram did with Hagar. And what a mess it makes. I thought about the tragedy that follows when we set out on our own in darkness- without light to lead the way.

I've been reading in Isaiah a lot lately. There are so many precious gems in that book. And this morning I was blessed with another new favorite: Isaiah 50:10-11

Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

I've always been afraid of the dark. I had to have the hall light on as a child and slept with a night light by my head. As a child, if I woke in darkness, I would immediately become totally still, listening with all my might for signs of danger, of tigers prowling about in the cellar. But sometimes lighting a light in the dark could make it worse. Camp fires can be particularly tormenting, especially if I happen to know there are bears in the area! The way the fire leaps and dances, cracks and pops; the way it makes the shadows dance and things that aren't even real take on frightening shapes. My imagination can really go wild!

But dancing torch fires or camp fires are the limit of our abilities to light the world around us in our own power. With our own wisdom and logic, we create just enough light to make the shadows dance, or even worse, create shadows where real danger can hide. God shows us in Isaiah 50 how Jesus used his ears to listen at these times of darkness rather than make fires that can make things worse. With Jesus as our model, we are to do the same: open our ears and listen to his instruction. He promises us that His arm is not too short to save us, that He does not lack the strength to rescue us. The truly wise will wait and listen in the darkness and rely totally on God to bring them through.

God grant me the wisdom to stand still and listen so I don't make a mess of things today. I'm relying on You.