Caught in His Gaze

I've shared with you that I've been having trouble with worship. Along with that, I'm having trouble with Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately, he's simply an innocent victim of my disgruntled state. So tonight I thought it odd when I thought I clicked my link to Oswald on the top of my screen, a blog of "Chris worship" popped up on my screen! It was a blog with two or three posts completely devoted to Chris Tomlin: seeing him in concert, blurry pictures of the band during the concert, introducing the new guy in the band, a narrative of everything he said and every move he made during the concert, blah, blah, blah. Frustrated, I scrolled down and read a little bit, trying to figure out how on earth this strange blog had "randomly" appeared on my grumpy computer screen! After a few minutes, I figured out that my "Oswald" link was directly above the link for "next blog" on my home page- my finger must have slipped...

So when I read Oswald, he said,

Then Jesus, looking at him (her), loved him (her) . . ." ( Mark 10:21 ). This look of Jesus will require breaking your heart away forever from allegiance to any other person or thing (gulp). Has Jesus ever looked in this way at you? This look of Jesus transforms, penetrates, and captivates. Where you are soft and pliable with God is where the Lord has looked at you. If you are hard and vindictive, insistent on having your own way, and always certain that the other person is more likely to be in the wrong than you are, then there are whole areas of your nature that have never been transformed by His gaze.

Don't you just love Oswald???

The Pursuit of Truth

Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.

For some, I wonder how difficult that must be: to engage their spirit- in anything! What does it mean to engage your spirit?

I know for me, it means being able to face myself and to recognize, if only vaguely, what I see. To reach down inside myself and be familiar with the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, the very character of myself. I believe that for many, this is a very difficult thing to do.

This morning my son showed me his blog where he discussed being able to look into another's eyes and see- truly know- who they are. And that for some, this was extremely difficult. They cannot bear to look into another's eyes, let alone to their own spirit.

I have often felt that society has encouraged me to ignore or suppress my spirit. I was to look as much like someone other than me as possible. Added to that, if I looked at what was deep inside of me- who I was, what I felt and believed- it was frightening. If others knew those thoughts, feelings or beliefs, they might disagree- they might look down on me or worse- those things deep inside of me might actually be wrong. And if I engaged my spirit in these things, I would have to deal with all that. It was easier to not look- to disengage.

Over the past year and a half, I have come to realize that we all have "wrong" deep down inside. And that if we don't face it- head on- there is no peace, no life, no joy. There is only this striving to be like everyone else (who in reality are all striving in vain as well). And because some of the things we have to face when we do face ourselves head on are so ugly, so difficult, so depressing and shameful, it's best to face them with Someone who can do something about them.

The verse doesn't say to fix all these things, to change them in our pursuit of truth. It says that our worship and adoration of God must be done while "engaged"- in touch, involving our spirit where all these things that make us who we are are lodged. We come before God in all our shame and all our glory, knowing who we are, presenting the bad, good and the ugly.

And we pursue Truth.

And when we find It, It changes us.

Moving Through an Open Door

I love having new and unexpected readers! I was checking my site meter today and found a google search for "describe praise in motion". And for some reason, the searcher chose to come to my page. I doubt that they read my "Praise in Motion... Princesses?" post once they saw where they were but it still got me to thinking.

I've been having problems with praise lately. With the transition going on at church, it's been hard to feel God as a friend and praise has been difficult. I know in the depths of my soul that He is truly a friend. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I look back on this difficult time, I will be able to see how it was a good thing and that He was being the best kind of friend. Praise will be easier then. But for now, it's not.

I want that to change. I want to praise Him and feel the intimacy that I've come to know. I'm not mad at Him; I'm just hurt. And until I read a little on how God wants us to worship, I believed that that pain had to be gone before I could worship Him in "spirit and in truth".

When I looked up the verses about worshiping in spirit and in truth, I found to my delight that they are the very words of Jesus. (I've told you before that those are my favorite kinds of verses- the ones where Jesus himself is talking). He is telling the Samaratin woman at the well that the time has come that all people- even Samaratins- are able to worship God and receive salvation. But reading it in The Message helped me with my problem:

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
-John 4:23-24

My worship must engage my spirit in the pursuit of truth. My spirit is in pain. It doesn't say my spirit has to be pain free or happy before I can pursue God. I stand there, in my pain, and I search for Him- the Truth. I pursue Him. I run to His side. And when I find Him, there is comfort there.

Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
Teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord,I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give You my discontent,
I give You my restlessness,
I give You my doubt,
I give You my despair.
I give You all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.
-Celtic Daily Prayer

Now, that may not have been the kind of motion that the google searcher was looking for, but for me, that movement through that open door, into that breathtaking empty space of the path He has prepared for me, into that Truth- that movement is exciting, uplifting, encouraging.

But I still don't have a name for those praise dancers!!

Baby Gap

Some of my close friends (and those of you who have read my profile) know that one of my all time favorite movies is "You've Got Mail". It's not because it's a cute, feel-good chick flick or because the plot is gripping. It's because I am Kathleen Kelly. I've never been brave. All I do is this little thing. I fell in love with my very best friend over walks and talks and letters and Starbucks. I even love daisies- I always have.

This morning I experienced yet another Kathleen moment. It's the scene when she e-mails her "oldest and dearest of friends" and tells him that she is a shop owner and that today, her shop is closing and that "next week it will probably be something depressing like a Baby Gap". I felt that this morning... something dear and precious and very personal to me is gone and it has been replaced with something quite Baby Gap-esque.

Perhaps there's some sort of safety in being homogenous- it seems to be what we strive for. When is the last time you traveled somewhere and were able to find a restaraunt at which to dine or store at which to shop that was unique, personal, intimate? It's so hard to find. I can travel to Pennsylvania and eat at an Applebee's and know before I get there what's on the menu. If I shop for a dress at Old Navy in West Virginia and they don't have my size, I can be quite certain they'll have it here in South Carolina when I get home. And if I can't afford a choice pair of shoes at Ann Taylor Loft, I can always stop by Wal-Mart and get their knock-off version for a tiny fraction of the price. We live in a world of homogeniety- where we strive to look like everyone else, sound like everyone else, be like everyone else. I can dress my baby in South Carolina in exactly the same outfit you do in California because we all shop at Baby Gap.

How unlike our Father, who made thousands of different kinds of ants, tens of thousands of different kinds of blossoms. Who thought of giraffes and platypusses and hummingbirds. A Creator who seems to revel in the brilliance of diversity and self expression.

My husband is a worship leader. Did I ever tell you that? He has been "gifted" in a way that few are to lay bare the souls of those who worship with him before an Almighty God. I treasure worshipping under his leadership. And now that has changed.
Some person will probably think it's a tribute to this religion, about how we study what people like and if we appeal to their musical style preferences or emotions we'll draw more people into the fold. I know because it's the sort of thing I'm always saying.

People are always telling me that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened...the truth is, I'm heartbroken.

-Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail

A Lesson in Intentionality

Numbers 15:30-36

"But the person, native or foreigner, who sins defiantly, deliberately blaspheming God, must be cut off from his people: He has despised God's word, he has violated God's command; that person must be kicked out of the community, ostracized, left alone in his wrongdoing."

Once, during those wilderness years of the People of Israel, a man was caught gathering wood on the Sabbath. The ones who caught him hauled him before Moses and Aaron and the entire congregation. They put him in custody until it became clear what to do with him. Then God spoke to Moses: "Give the man the death penalty. Yes, kill him, the whole community hurling stones at him outside the camp."

So the whole community took him outside the camp and threw stones at him, an execution commanded by God and given through Moses.

The Message

The people who sinned accidently could be forgiven by offering an "absolution offering". Absolution meaning a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties (Dictionary.com) The guy in this story obviously wasn't qualified for this type of offering. His sin was deliberate. And his story immediatly follows the instructions from God to the Israelites about how to handle deliberate sin. So he's an example. An example of how NOT to be intentional.

What is it that he did? He gathered wood on the Sabbath. He set about meeting his needs for a fire (to cook with, to stay warm) by working to gather wood on a day that he was supposed to be keeping holy- a day that he was supposed be resting and contemplating God. Instead, he contemplated his own state of affairs and realized he'd come up short and that needed fixing. He needed to fill his needs; needed to break the rules to take care of himself. Surely God isn't so mean as to say that we should go hungry and cold just because he wants us to sit still and know him. Surely he's not that self-centered. But the judgement he passed on this wood-gathering gentleman wasn't a statement about his need or lack of plannning but the crime of his heart: The intentionality.

This gentleman lived in a close knit community. He needed wood and possibly would be very hungry and very cold if he didn't have wood for a fire. He was poor, in need, and his community failed him. I'll bet you that the guy in the tent next door had wood. And if he didn't have enough wood for this gentleman's entire family, he may have one extra piece. And then the guy in the tent next to his could have given one and so on and so on until this gentleman would have had wood enough. But chances are, he never let anyone know of his need. And wouldn't he have looked silly having not planned to have enough wood to make it through the Sabbath? His sin was pride. He wasn't going to ask because then he'd look silly. He'd have to take a chance on the charity (a.k.a. LOVE) of his community.

But that's the way God wants it to be. We know each other's needs, we reach out in love. There is no pride, no heart sin, no defiance. There is community. There is forgiveness. There is love... and most of all... life.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3 (NIV)

A Breeze or a Miracle: Which Would You Choose?

This morning, I was studying my Sunday School lesson about believing God. I've read Beth Moore's book, Believing God, so I knew exactly what she was talking about this morning since much of what she was saying was from that book. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping for fodder for a blog. Not that it wasn't inspiring, but I'd read it before and even blogged it before.

Now, I like to run- especially outside. One of the things I enjoy most about running outside is that God often speaks to me while I run. Since it's been a long time since I've been inspired to blog, I asked God if He wouldn't mind speaking to me this morning. So I hit the trails with my ears and heart wide open.

My mind seemed to wander for the longest time and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. But somewhere around 2 or 2 1/2 miles, I started praying for a breeze. I thought, "Come on, Father. I'm asking and I believe you can do this. It's just a breeze I want. A father gives good things to his children. You certainly control the wind. I know you can do this!" I believed with all my might He could, and even wanted to do this for me. Yet no breeze came.

As I struggled up a long hill, I heard Him say, "That's just the problem; you always ask for answers to your struggles in ways that the world can supply. What if you didn't finish this run with the comfort of a breeze, but in super natural strength? What if you accomplished this goal in My strength- not yours? Do you believe Me when I say that that's what I want to give you? Not just a breeze, but a super natural strength?"

That's the question... Do you believe? A breeze is such an easy answer. What He offers is so much more.

Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
Philippians 3:14 The Message