Forgiveness vs. forgiveness

I like forgiving people. It makes me feel really good. I know that forgiveness isn't easy for everyone. You frequently hear about people struggling because they can't forgive someone. It binds them in a kind of slavery. They are filled with bitterness and pain. There is no blessing in their lives. People recognize this. They talk about it. This is not a new concept! But for me the hard part isn't giving it- it's accepting it. And even harder? Accepting it from myself.

Now let's talk about this. If I refuse to forgive myself for something,I live under the condemnation and guilt associated with that unforgiveness. In this behavior, I am placing a higher priority on my self forgiveness than on God's forgiveness. Mine is more desirable and more important than his. And guess what? That doesn't settle too well with God. There are several reasons that this doesn't set well with him. First and foremost might just be the amount of suffering he had to endure to accomplish that forgiveness for me.

In Hebrews 9:22, we are reminded that without a blood sacrifice, there is no forgiveness of sin. And when I reject God's forgiveness in lieu of my own I am asked to show evidence of the blood sacrifice. Exactly where is it, Allison? Don't have it? Empty handed? You bet... and a little humbled. And being humbled is a good thing. If I am going to learn from my sins and repent and "sin no more", I must know the way that I am to walk. In Psalm 25, David declares that God guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. God cannot teach me if I am prideful and only he can release my feet from this snare of prideful unforgiveness (Ps. 25:15)

Another reason that this preferential treatment of my forgiveness over God's doesn't settle well with him is because of why he chose to forgive in the first place. God forgives "for his name's sake". It's who he is. It's his very nature. Forgiveness is to be equated with his name (Daniel 9:19). When I refuse his forgiveness in preference of my own, I discredit his name! For Pete's sake! Who on earth would want a God whose forgiveness is so feeble that it holds no power over my own? Is this truely how I see God? Do I believe him to be so weak that my ability to forgive holds more power than his own? By accepting God's forgiveness, I can live a life that shines before unbelievers and shows them that God's way is the One True Way, the One True Life. By refusing his forgiveness, I am trashing not only his name but my witness as well. I am disrespecting Jesus' command that I shine for him so that others will be drawn to him.

Yet another reason that my unforgiveness doesn't settle well with God is found in Matthew 6:14-15. If I don't forgive someone (myself included), then God will not forgive me! Wait a minute! How can this be? But I didn't say it; Jesus did! And not just once, either. Even in our Lord's prayer Jesus teaches us to pray that we should be forgiven as we forgive others. Jesus also tells the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. I've always destested this servant! How could he be so unmerciful after he was forgiven of so much! How could he turn around and treat his fellow servant like that! But here I'm finding that I am that unmerciful servant! God has forgiven me of sins too many to be mentioned. It's an unfathomable amount. But I hold unforgiveness over my head for one particular sin- one measurable instance and in doing so, prevent the blessings of God's forgiveness in my own life. According to Psalm 32:1-2, people who are forgiven are blessed. So I can only assume that in being unforgiven, I have stolen my own blessings.

So it takes humility for me to accept God's forgiveness in preference of my own. It takes me placing my pride and my unforgiveness on the altar. They are ugly things to place there but I'd rather them there than on me! And when they are lifted off of me, I can shine like that lamp on the lampstand. And this time I'm not going to let Satan (or me) blow it out!