a dream of being orange

Improved Purple Vision

2011-10-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Currently I'm studying Psalm 119 with several ladies from my church. We're going through the psalm verse by verse with an emphasis each day on one or two words. I'm sure it was a challenge for the writer of the study to pick out just one or two words for each day! I look at the group of 8 verses that we're to study each week and circle the words that really stand out to me and sometimes our lists match! This week, I did pick one of the same words our writer chose. It was the first word of verse 18: "Open" as in "Open my eyes". Open in this verse is the Hebrew word, "Galah" (Strong's #1540) meaning,"To uncover or remove". It's not like simply parting my eye lids; it's the unveiling of something that has been covering my eyes- much like the removal of a cataract.

According to the National Eye Institute of the National Institutes of Health (NIE/NIH), a cataract is, "a clouding of the lens in the eye that affects vision." But the next few words of the definition really hit me: "Most cataracts are related to aging". I guess we all struggle with aging, some (my husband) more than others! But it seemed interesting to me to ponder this association of clouded vision with aging. You'd think that the older we get, the clearer our vision of God and his word and love would be but, you know, I believe that our spiritual eyes are just as at risk for developing cataracts as we age as our physical eyes.

According to the NIE/NIH, cataracts related to aging are caused by the proteins that make up our lenses clumping together. When the proteins clump together, they reduce the amount of light that hits the retina causing vision to become blurry. They can also cause the lens to darken and turn a brownish tint. This brownish coloring of the lens can hinder our ability to differntiate color - especially purples and blues. Things we do to ourselves that are hard on our eyes, like smoking, or illnesses, like diabetes or simply the stresses of daily life- every day wear and tear can cause clumping of those proteins. And there are other causes of cataracts that don't have anything to do with aging. Things like trauma, or things that were supposed to help us like surgery or medications. We can be born with cataracts or we can acquire them from radiation therapy for treatment of cancer.

Maybe it's just me but it seems like all of those things can cause spiritual cataracts just as easily. Maybe an illness or relentless struggle can cause us to see God as brutal or uncaring. Maybe a traumatic past can cause a skewed vision of God's word as meaningless or empty. Perhaps "helpful" words from fellow Christians or even respected pastors can cause deep pain that cloud our vision of the church as untrustworthy or even vicious. Situations we are born into, or marry into, or move into can harden our hearts and prevent us from seeing God clearly. I believe it would require a very introspective and humble spirit for a person to have the where-with-all to ask God to remove these kinds of cataracts. I believe we hold onto them with all our strength if we're concious of their presence at all. But the psalmist does, indeed, ask.
I'm getting old. It's true. And along with getting old, I believe I'm at fairly high risk for developing cataracts. Although I may have some of the cataracts posed above, I believe my cataracts are of the simple aging variety. They're the daily wear and tear of a stress filled life that doesn't have time to spend reflecting on the word of God. That daily grind has clumped all the proteins of my lens til I view God through a hazy mist. The darkened tint prevents me from seeing the glory and majesty of a God who desires so deeply for me to know Him. The Light simply isn't getting through. He's something important, I can tell that. But honestly, He comes off a utilitarian shade of khaki instead of the vibrant purples of royalty.

The good news is that cataracts can be removed. Both of my parents have had cataract surgery and it's been quite successful. Ninety per cent of people who have cataract surgery have improved vision afterward (National Eye Institute, "Facts About Cataracts"). The thing is, you have to ask for the surgery, just as the psalmist does in 119:18. It seems to me that if I ask for my cataracts to be removed, God would be fairly pleased to flufill that request. Just as I'm sure He was pleased when the psalmist asked the same. And I fully expect to start seeing much more purple than khaki!

"Open my eyes so I can see what you show me of your miracle wonders"

- The Message

Changes and Chances

2011-02-19T17:48:00.000-08:00

Today I stumbled upon a blog of a friend's. She journals almost every day of her life with her now one year old little girl. It made me realize that it's been a really, really long time since I blogged. I miss it. I miss the time I used to have to sit and ponder life and process it all for reflection. Something happens in your 40's and life picks up speed. Doesn't seem possible that things could be faster in your 40's than in your 30's but it's true. Right now there seems to be a flurry of wings scattering dust and feathers and somehow, I believe that when the wings stop beating and the clouds settle there will just be Rod and me left in the nest.
Yesterday, our eldest son turned 19. He's a freshman and already 1/2 moved out of the house. For the first time in 19 years, I wasn't responsible for furnishing his birthday cake... a friend of his took that honor.
Monday, our middle son turns 17. He's spending more and more time with friends and less and less time at home. Tonight he made dinner with friends- "Amazing Pasta". I had left over spaghetti. Not amazing.
Today, Molly auditioned for residential high school in Greenville. Residential equals no longer living at home.
While Molly auditioned, I worked on a chapter of a book for Bible study. The author was discussing emotions and cautioning us to not let ourselves be ruled by our unruly emotions. But somehow, that's not what I took home from the chapter. She wrote about women who blame their unpredictable behavior on hormonal surges like those surrounding peri-menopause and such. And in that section, she quoted Francis de Sales:

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear: rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hither-to,-do you but hold fast to his dear hand, and he will lead you safely through all things: and, when you cannot stand, he will bear you in his arms... The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering, or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

You know, I don't think I've ever looked forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Maybe most women do. It seems that so many books, magazine articles and even sermons seem to assume that we women are terrified of the "changes and chances of this life". They warn us of how terrible it will be when our babies leave for kindergarten and how awful it will be when they shun us as tweenagers. How they'll outright hate us when they're true teens and how devastated and lost we'll be then the nest is "EMPTY". Even St. Francis of de Sales warns us that we may need "delivered out" of our "changes and chances". But what if you don't? What if "changes and chances" are actually synonymous? Why on earth would you want to be delivered from chances? Maybe society (and God forbid- even modern day Christianity) tells us we should be fearful of all that but to me, it just doesn't make sense. Yes, I've devoted 20 years so far to growing up kids. And maybe all that's getting ready to change. But honestly, I'm looking forward to the chances the next 20 years brings.
Hopefully it's more time to do things like Rod and I did today... and maybe even more time to blog!

Drowning and God's Brilliance

2008-08-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about our new church is that every Sunday, they publish in the bulletin, the scripture lessons for the next week. That way I can read them each day and guess what the pastor might preach on- usually I'm wrong! But that just goes to show you that the word is alive and speaks to each of us differently.

This week, I'm reading Psalm 29, Jonah 2:1-9, Romans 9:1-5 and Matthew 14: 22-33. There's a lot about water this week. Jonah's praying from the depths of the ocean, Jesus is walking on the storm tossed sea, and Psalm 29 mentions floods and thunder. I haven't quite figured out how Paul's burden for the Israelites ties in to all this water (Romans 9). But maybe I'm just overly sensitive to the sensation of drowning lately!

One verse particularly caught my attention this morning; Psalm 29:3

God thunders across the waters,
Brilliant, his voice and his face, streaming brightness—
God, across the flood waters. (The Message)

The whole rest of the psalm speaks of God's thunder and power. But what caught my attention here was the reference to "flood waters". Sure, there's power in flood waters but they bring such devastation, hopelessness, destruction and chaos. And God's face, his countenance, streams brilliantly across this devastating chaos- this depressing, vast hopelessness.

I guess I found it encouraging to know that God could overpower the chaos in my life and shine on it, turning it into a thing of his beauty. Somehow that's even more amazing than seeing him thunder across deserts or set oaks to dancing.

So I'm praying for his beauty to shine across the flood waters of my life and waiting for the strength and peace that he promises.

What's Your Soundtrack?

2008-03-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

Last night as I was driving home from Wally-world with groceries (at ten o'clock at night), I was listening to the public radio program, "Echoes". The music playing was like background music. There really wasn't any meat to it and it seemed quite trivial. The pathetic thing is that as I was listening to it I thought, "if my life had a soundtrack, I believe this would be it." It was a gay little ditty, light and soothing. It would have made nice "hold" music.

I recently picked up a daily devotional by Henry T. Blackaby and Richard Blackaby based on the book Experiencing God. What I read this morning was about "vision". They discussed how vision drives the way we live. I've seen it; I know you've seen it. Vision statements everywhere, work, church, self directed goals. When we can visualize what we'd like to look like, we can set a course for achieving that goal.

The NIV states it this way: "Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but blessed is he who keeps the law".

And the Message says it like this: "If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed."

I know it best in the KJV: "Where there is no vision, the people perish, but he that keepeth the law, happy is he."

As I pondered this, I was also reading in Jeremiah 12. And God says to Jeremiah (who is complaining about why the bad guys always seem to win and he always gets in trouble when he does something bad), that if he's whipped by running with men, how on earth can he expect to run with horses? In other words, if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

Life is tough. I have friends going through really awful, painful and scary things right now. I continue on in my life, getting caught up in the craziness of it all and it brings me down. What it may be is that perhaps we have all lost the vision of exactly who our God is. Because without that vision, we perish. It says so right there in the Bible. Without a clear vision of what God is doing and who He is, we see the chaos, the defeat, the bad guys winning and we feel hopeless. When is the last time I stopped and really tried to grasp who He is and what He's up to? And if I could only do that, wouldn't my outlook change? Wouldn't I be more likely to be able to run with the horses? Wouldn't the soundtrack be different?

When I went running today, I turned on my beastly red i-Pod (as my kids refer to it) to a little known group of artists called apt.core. They're not my usual fare for running, in fact, I believe this is the first time I've listened to this particular album. The first song was a very powerful piece called, "No Such Thing as Time". The only words are, "I AM the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the one who is, who was, and is to come. Almighty." The next piece simply quotes the first four verses of Psalm 19:

1 The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. 2 Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. 3 They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard.^[a] 4 Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.

God has made a home in the heavens for the sun.

Psalm 19:1-4 New Living Translation

I think it's time for a new soundtrack.

Questions, Answers, and Obedience

2008-01-31T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering the passage in I Kings 19 this week where God passes by Elijah with the still, small voice and several things have caught my attention. First was the repetition of God's question to Elijah. Before He revealed Himself in the still, small voice, He asked Elijah a simple question: "What are you doing here?" The question in and of itself seemed a little strange to me because surely God knew why Elijah was hiding/sleeping in a cave on Mount Horeb. God Himself had sent an angel to prepare food for Elijah to strengthen him for the journey to Mt. Horeb. Surely God had watched as Elijah ran for his life from Jezebel's wrath. But God is not unknown for asking rhetorical questions! The odd thing to me was that after he asked the question, and Elijah answered, He revealed Himself in the still, small voice and then, He asked the same question again. Was He expecting a different answer this time? Because He didn't get one. Elijah's answer is still the same, "I've been working my heart out for the God-of-the-Angel-Armies. The people of Israel have abandoned your covenant, destroyed the places of worship, and murdered your prophets. I'm the only one left, and now they're trying to kill me." Elijah was in dire straits and nothing was going to change that- not even God passing by!

Perhaps that's why the second oddity that caught my eye happened. I found it very strange that after Elijah first answered God's question, he was commanded to go out and stand on the mountain but he didn't do it. The Bible says, "Then he was told, 'Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.'" What happens next in the passage is the famous passing of the strong wind, the hurricane, the earthquake, the fire, none of which contained God. But when (and not until) Elijah hears the small, still voice, he gets up, covers his face, and goes to the mouth of the cave. Now, after God's demonstration, Elijah is obedient to go stand on the mountain before God. And the conversation starts all over again with, "Elijah, what are you doing here?"

Elijah was desperate and depressed. He had just traveled 40 days through a desert to hide in a cave. He was running to save his own skin from an evil queen who wanted him dead. He told God he'd had enough. He wanted to die. He knew why he was hiding in that cave. It couldn't be more clear. Yet he was disobedient to God's command to stand on the mountain. Perhaps life was too difficult to be obedient. Perhaps he'd given up hope that even the passing by of God Himself could help him at this point. That's a pretty desperate place to be, especially for one who had seen God do so many wonderful things. Yet God was merciful. If I wanted to teach my child a lesson and asked that they sit up and pay attention and they didn't do it, I'd be tempted to huff out of the room to the tune of, "Well if you won't even pay attention, I'm not going to help!" (Wait, I think I have done that!) But God doesn't do that; He carries on with His lesson and at the end, with Elijah's full attention, He begins the conversation again. But this time, even though Elijah's circumstances haven't changed, even though his answer is the same, God has his undivided attention and now, finally, he is able to be obedient.

It may have been that the thought of God passing by was too terrifying. Maybe Elijah thought he wouldn't survive such a demonstration and that's why he stayed hidden in the cave. Yet the still, small voice, the whisper of God, was undeniable. When he heard it, he couldn't resist. He had to obey.

I guess the point here is that it took that moment of quietness, that hearing of the still, small voice, to give Elijah the strength to pull himself out of despair, to be obedient. Had he only experienced the hurricane, the earthquake, the fire, he would have never had the strength to move past his despair. It made me wonder what we look for in time alone with God. When we leave a church service full of wind and wonders, full of smoke and fire, full of emotional quaking, have we been prepared to be obedient? When we sit in prayer and only focus on the dire straits we're in, begging for a way out, listing our needs, are we any more prepared to be pulled out of our pits? Perhaps after hearing the still small voice, we can hear the reflective question God asks. He doesn't ask, "Elijah, WHY are you here" (which is what Elijah answered). He asked, "Elijah, what are you DOING here?"

It makes me wonder; what are we doing here?

Chicken or Eagle?

2008-01-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

I was recently challenged by someone who said I should be grateful for what I had. It wasn't that I was grumbling about what I had. I was simply discontent with the circumstances surrounding what I had. To me, the challenge was silly. A spout-off from someone who didn't know what they were talking about. Someone who didn't have all the facts. But since then, I've pondered the challenge and wondered if perhaps, there isn't something there.

This morning I was reading a "devotional" by Francis de Sales on "devotion" and after taking a brief inventory, I found a dearth of devotion. Dictionary.com lists the synonyms for devotion as love, ardor, and zeal. St. Francis de Sales explains that devotion is "true love of God", that devotion is "simply that spiritual agility by which charity works in us or by aid of which we work quickly and lovingly." Now don't get me wrong, I love God. But I'm not quite sure how agile I am in charitable works. To make it easier to understand, he compares people to birds: ostriches (sinners who never fly), chickens, (people struggling to do good but without true devotion) and eagles (devoted Christians who soar). So, in other words, devotion is loving God so completely that it transforms my life from one who struggles to do good works and perhaps grumbles about it to one who soars through life on wings of love, face towards God, good works simply falling in my trail.

The author says that the world sees the devout as "having discontented, gloomy, sullen faces and claims that devotion brings on depression and unbearable moods." And although I at first disagreed with him, the more I thought about my own devotion, I realized many would say (and have said) that about my example! In his view, I'm a chicken! And if the world only ever knows "birds" from the testimony of a chicken, they'd have a pretty skewed view of a bird! I guess if the world sees the devout as chickens, I'm actually part of the problem!

Without thought, I would tell you I'm a devoted follower of Christ. Yet something is wrong if unbelievers look at my life and see a chicken. They say, "Look at the chicken!" and I say, "That's not a chicken! That's an eagle!" Wow... who looks stupid then?

I confess that I have been undisciplined, wallowing in the dust of the fenced-in chicken yard, my head down, fighting over scraps of worms and bits of dried corn. And with all that dust it's hard to look up and see the eagles and the sky where I belong. I need to get up out of that yard; get above the din and dust- but how?

Jonathan Edwards writes in Religious Affections that

The nature of human beings is to be inactive unless influenced by some affection: love or hatred, desire, hope, fear, etc. These affections are the 'spring of actions', the things that set us moving in our lives, that move us to engage in activities.

These affections stimulate our zeal, or our "tireless, enthusiastic devotion" towards a cause. In other words, without stimulation from affections, we won't have devotion. I need to find my affections and use them as a spring board towards devotion.

I believe that the wear and tear on the soul by life causes our affections to dim. And certainly focusing on our disappointments causes us to lose hope, causes us to fear. It's a tool of Satan to make sure we stay chickens. Without affections to spur us on, we will be "content" to squabble in the hen house. But in the Psalms we are taught over and over again to focus on our blessings, the promises of God fulfilled, the power of God, His protective hand. Every time the psalmist's soul is "down hearted", he remembers God's saving power and finds the affections he needs to spring into devotion.

And on the wings of devotion, he soars.

Psalm 42 (The Message)

A psalm of the sons of Korah

1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I'm thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, "Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God's presence?"
I'm on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
"Where is this God of yours?"

4 These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God's prayer.

9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
"Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?"
They're out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
"Where is this God of yours?"

11 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

Of Manners and Nursing

2007-12-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

I don't usually write about being a nurse but this morning my frustration level demands just that.

Why is it that people have to be so rude to nurses? What on earth did we ever do to deserve being treated like that? Never in your life have you ever met people more interested in being kind and compassionate to someone than nurses- why would we be nurses if we weren't! But more and more, I meet nurses who have a hard time taking the abuse. Some retaliate by being curt; others by being slack or inattentive. Then there are the over-emotional ones (like me) who go home and cry over it. I'm just so tired of being picked on and abused.

We have a nursing shortage. There are many reasons why we have a nursing shortage. But one of those reasons is NOT for lack of people wishing to be nurses. Nursing schools have waiting lists- more students than the faculty can manage. We can't get them educated fast enough! But it's not at the input where the problem lies. We drop like flies. We're not dropping because it's difficult work- don't get me wrong- it's hard work. But we're by-and-large a hard working crew. We leave nursing because we get tired of being disrespected by doctors, patients, families, and hospital management.

As the population ages and technology improves, we are keeping more and more people alive for longer and longer lives and with sicker and meaner illnesses (like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and a long, long list of autoimmune and degenerative diseases). The demand for nurses and their skills is skyrocketing. Yet many physicians and patients show little to no respect or manners. And do you realize what that will get you? Less and less nurses- when what we need is just the opposite. There is no great schedule or paycheck that is worth being treated like poop. And for many of us simply knowing in our hearts that we're contributing to someone's well-being isn't worth the abuse. By all means, we could all go be belly dancers and contribute to well-being! At least then people would pay attention to you and smile!

The problem is much deeper, I suppose. Parents who don't teach their children to say, "Please" and "Thank you". Television shows that objectify or disrespect nurses as professionals. Hospital administrators who preach, "Physicians First! Physicians First! Because physicians bring patients and without patients you have no job!" When in actuality, if there are no nurses, the hospital administrators have no job (unless they go back to nursing school!) As long as there is life on this side of Heaven, there will be a job for nurses. The problem is as multifaceted as the Epcot ball.

So I guess I'm just saying that if you can't say something nice today, don't say anything at all. Remember your manners and smile occasionally. There may be a teacher, or a policeman, or a bank teller, or a grocery cashier who's feeling the same way as me today. Belly dancing is looking better and better all the time!

Welcome Home

2007-11-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

We went to a new church on Sunday. The Old Testament reading was from Jeremiah 23: 1-4.

"Doom to the shepherd-leaders who butcher and scatter my sheep!" God's Decree. "So here is what I, God, Israel's God, say to the shepherd-leaders who misled my people: 'You've scattered my sheep. You've driven them off. You haven't kept your eye on them. Well, let me tell you, I'm keeping my eye on you, keeping track of your criminal behavior. I'll take over and gather what's left of my sheep, gather them in from all the lands where I've driven them. I'll bring them back where they belong, and they'll recover and flourish. I'll set shepherd-leaders over them who will take good care of them. They won't live in fear or panic anymore. All the lost sheep rounded up!' God's Decree."

-The Message

This verse has been a balm to my wounded soul so many times in the past year or so. How precious I feel knowing that God understands my aches and promises to provide a shepherd-leader who will take good care of me.
I knew I was home.

Molly told me tonight that at our old church, they have recently instituted a practice (I'm hoping for safety's sake) of numbering all the kids in the kids' building. When they come to church in the morning, they receive a number. When their parents come to fetch them after service, their parent must request their number (not their child). Then the children's worker will report to that number's room and request that number for pick up.

Glad to no longer be a number. I'm ready to recover and flourish.

For information on the new fold see here.

Who Shall Teach Us to Worship?

2007-11-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

I opened a book to read a little this evening. I don't think I'll ever finish reading this book. There seems to be no time for reading and besides, it's one of those "thinking" books. You know, the kind you can't read if there's any other noise in the room other than your own breathing. But I wanted to read someone's intelligent ramblings on worship (yes... I'm still riding that horse!).

Rod made a comment yesterday that was profound and beautiful. He said that when he said it, all his students wrote it down. He seemed surprised, but I wasn't. It was a great concept. What he said was this:

There is no one better than Jesus to teach us to how to be a disciple. There is no one better than the Holy Spirit to teach us how to pray.

But my question is this: Who will teach us to worship?

Harold Best, in Unceasing Worship, says that "worship is the continuous outpouring of all that I am, all that I do and all that I can ever become in light of a chosen or choosing god." From the little bit that I've read so far, Mr. Best sounds as if worship is not something we learn, it's something we do-perhaps even without knowing. We are all worshiping all the time. Worship seems to be where we put our efforts, where we focus, live, pay, ponder, devour. I think I finally understood when he related it to "self-worship".

I have long felt that self-worship, self-absorption, is the biggest, meanest, nastiest, yet most common ailment of the human race. Yet it is something I understand all too intimately. And I know that when one is self-absorbed, there is precious little that can distract the worshiper from his (her) god. I understand that this is the wrong way to worship yet I understand it. And from that standpoint, perhaps I can learn.

When I am self-absorbed, I know that I am consumed with my desires, needs, thoughts and emotions. I know that I view all circumstances through the lens of how it will effect me. I know that when I hear someone else speak of their life, I wonder what it has to do with me or if someone announces a change or a development, I wonder what impact it will have on my life. I know that when I am self-absorbed, I make sure that my needs are met. I come first. Hands down. No discussion.

But what if that were all focused where it belonged... on God? What would it look like? Change each one of those sentences to a God focus:
I am consumed with God's desires, needs, thoughts, emotions.
I view all circumstances through God's lens.
When I hear someone speak of their life, I wonder how God fits into it.
When someone announces a change or a development, I wonder what impact God can have on it.
I make sure that God's needs are met.
He comes first.
Hands down.
No discussion.

It is not difficult to be a self-worshiper. No one taught me how to do that. It was easy. I figured it out all on my own. Being an expert on self-worship should make it easy to transfer that talent towards God worship. So ultimately, perhaps the best person to teach how to worship is myself.

Been There Done That

2007-08-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've been so sad lately. Lots of reasons so I'm not really too worried about it but I just seem to be going deeper down instead finding my way back up to the top. And that part's unusual. What's also unusual (although not that unusual) is that I got a little upset with God about it today. I told him he was boring. I know he knew I didn't really mean it. But I was just expressing that in all of the excitement of life, all the things there were to do, all the things I wanted to do vs. all the things I had to do, reading the Bible and praying just didn't seem very exciting. And they certainly didn't seem like a very likely way to cheer myself up.

But I did it anyway. Not really kicking and screaming, but not excited either. It was more like going to the doctor when you know you're sick. Resignation.

Psalm 85. It said he could restore me. Bring back good times. It said he'd done it before- he could do it again. And I was reading it from a bible study by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She kept asking me to look up scriptures about Jesus. How did Jesus embody this verse? How was that verse accomplished by the cross? And to tell the truth, I had to read it in two different versions, assimilate the two, to get to what I think she was getting at. It felt like a stretch.

So there it was. God's voice. Why did he want me to read a psalm about him restoring good times to his people and then focus on Jesus, who is never once mentioned in the psalm and if there are references to him, they are buried very deeply? What did Jesus have to do with this? I've been studying the character of God. I could have easily gone there with this psalm. But Jesus?

I've been feeling lonely lately... surrounded by lots and lots of people but very, very alone. I've wondered why all these people haven't been able to help me feel not quite so lonely. Maybe God just wanted me to remember that Jesus was a person too. That in him, my relationship with him, I might find what I'm looking for. Somehow it's easier to look to a human Jesus to help me through this. One who's been through it; who understands what it feels like to be misunderstood, or unwanted, or unable to accomplish everything there is to be accomplished. What it feels like to be interrupted, unappreciated, or tired. What it means to expect one thing and get something else, to feel like you'd accomplished something important only to have it rejected.

yeah... maybe that's it.

Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

Goals vs. the Journey

2007-07-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

In the quiet drizzly-ness of this morning, I took a long overdue trip back to the Oswald site and discovered among many things, that he's the one who inspires me to blog. Actually, I already knew that but was hoping deep in my heart that I could blog without reading him! There's just something in processing what he writes that gets my juices flowing and this morning was no different.

I have been immersed in goals lately. They have been swarming around me from so many different facets of my life that they have been causing a lot of anxiety. I suppose having unreached goals doesn't produce anxiety for everyone but for some reason, the goals I've set for this summer are huge to me - and I'm not there. So this level of panic is rising in me as I see the summer coming to a close and I have not achieved what I have set out to accomplish. Some of the goals don't even have deadlines and yet I'm stressing over them. Many of them I have placed on myself but some just come with the job of being me. Rod asks me what's wrong and all I can tell him is that I feel so out of control. Like the disciples in a storm tossed boat with the goal to get to Bethsaida by morning (Mark 6:45-52), I'm out of control, at the mercy of the elements.

But here's the kicker: Jesus walks past the disciples and his presence isn't even comforting. They're so stressed out by now that they're scared "out of their wits" when they see him. Now realize, this happened AFTER the famous Jesus-sleeping-in-the-stern; Scared-disciples-wake-him-up; Accuse-him-of-not-caring-if-they-die; Jesus-calms-the-storm-story! (Mark 4:35-41) So the disciples have already had a very similar experience on this very same sea with a bad storm. They've already seen their beloved teacher calm the storm in three words. The only difference is that this time they set out without him so that he had to walk on the water to get to them. And once again, they are terrified.

Now grant it, Jesus sent them off "without him" but he was never really away from them. The bible says he could see them and that he knew what they were struggling against. So he came to them but they were terrified because they thought he was a ghost. There was no recall that this was the man who had just fed 5,000 people supper with five loaves of bread and two fish. There was no memory of him calming the sea, healing the sick, or raising the dead. All they knew was that this sea they were in was out of control with deadly waves, whipping wind, and now ghosts!

So here I am, storms, wind, waves, ghosts- all preventing me from reaching the shore. I'm fighting waves of anxiety and bursts of panic over goals that seem out of reach. Insert Oswaldian wisdom: The goal isn't to reach the shore. And the sooner I realize that, the sooner I will find relief. The goal is to see Jesus walking on the storm- to see his calming approach, totally aware of where I am and where I need to be. To see Jesus in control and recognize him, embrace him, trust him. The goal is to be transformed from an anxiety-laden, goal-focused self, to a trusting, peace-filled disciple who rides out the storms knowing that that's where the growing happens. That's where the Maker meets me and teaches me that life isn't about accomplished goals, it's about him glorified in the journey.

The Pursuit Begins

2007-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book by A.W. Tozer called, "The Pursuit of God." It's not a beach read, if you know what I mean. I've read just the preface three times. Usually I dislike books like that- that I have to re-read simply to understand what it's about. But for some reason, this one is different. Perhaps because it seems to be speaking so loudly to me about what our church seems to be going through.

In the very first chapter, Tozer says, "We must simplify our approach to (God). We must strip down to the essentials (and they will be found to be blessedly few). We must put away all effort to impress, and come with the guileless candor of childhood. If we do this, without doubt, God will quickly respond." (Italics mine).

I need a response from God, so I began to wonder what the blessedly few essentials were. One I'm quite sure of: worship.

Worship is something our church has done away with. They still sing some songs before the preacher preaches, but true worship has been tossed. I know that people at my church might heatedly disagree with me, but it's true, none-the-less. Worship, communing with God, telling Him of your love for him while tears stream down your face, celebrating his goodness, his faithfulness, his power, his perfection: it just doesn't happen. I believe we could do nothing at all but worship him and he would still be pleased.

Tozer goes on to say that "there is little that we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking God-and effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the and lies our great woe. If we omit the and we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing."

At our church, we seek God-and-experiencing life (or perhaps it is better said, "God-and-L.I.F.E.") L.I.F.E is our program for experiencing life in Christ. It has its four indicators to make sure you're doing it right. If you've Got Christ (said like, "Got Milk?") then you Live for others, Invite others to L.I.F.E. in Christ, Follow the teachings of God, and Exalt God above all else. That's how you'll know you've got it right.

But that's not what Tozer says. He says that if you've got it right, it will be manifest as an increased yearning for God- a hot pursuit- an unquenchable thirst for Him and Him alone. But you don't have to take my word, or even Tozer's word for it. Jesus said it this way, "And this is the real and eternal life. That they know you, the one and only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you sent." (John 17:3)

My church appears to pursue image, larger buildings, more members, and a greater profile in this community rather than God. Now, they vehemently deny that's what they're about. They repeat over and over that "numbers" simply means "lives" and as the numbers increase, that means that lives are touched. They say that bigger and more beautiful facilities will draw people so they can then teach them about God. The better and bigger facilities will make it easier to teach people about God. They color it with words that sound right, but even Satan got most of the words right when he messed with Eve in Eden. Expanding programs, and numbers, and buildings seems a roundabout way to reach God. I find I want less and less of what they have to offer. I find my peace in siding with the tribe of Levi, who, when God divided the land of Canaan among his children, Levi received none. "I AM thy part and thine inheritance," He told them.

Messy Rooms, Mean Rules, and Fiddler Crabs

2007-06-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

At my house,we have a fairly unpopular rule. The rule states, "No vacation or long break from school may start until your room is clean." When we instituted this rule, there was a great gnashing of teeth and wailing but even my messiest child (I will not divulge which this might be, for fear of retaliation) cleaned her room in record time. Right down to the Barbie (TM) shoes under her bed! It's a severe rule, I know. But sometimes drastic measures are required for drastic situations.

This last time, however, there really was very little discussion amongst the troops about it. I believe I mentioned it once or twice and, lo and behold, rooms were clean. Vacuumed and everything. How refreshing to see them not buck and fight "the system"- to accept what structure I had set up for them. And how pleasant to not be thought of as a horrible monster by the children I love. And this morning's installment of Oswald caused me to stop and ponder my own behavior regarding such situations.

If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the smooth waters just inside the harbour bar, full of delight, but always moored; you have to get out through the harbour bar into the great deeps of God and begin to know for yourself, begin to have spiritual discernment.

He referenced Romans 12: 1-2 (and I always take a little extra time on a verse when it starts with the words, "So here's what I want you to do..."). Take my everyday life, embrace it, place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God has done for me is the best thing I can do for Him (paraphrase).

It seems lately that I've been waiting for God to do some sort of miracle around me so I can embrace it. Fix what's going on at my church, at my job, with my health. Then, maybe, I could embrace it, work at being a better member, a better employee, a better wife, mother, friend. (Maybe HE could clean my room!) But that's not what this verse says. It says these are the conditions he's set up for me. Here are the ways I should live my everyday, laundry-toting-spaghetti-cooking- shift-working-imperfect-friend-and-family-life. And if I embrace it whole heartedly, I will no longer see God as someone who doesn't understand me or my needs, but as someone with huge, deep insights into my soul, who knows better than I what would make me happy.

Will bought two fiddler crabs yesterday. We read a little bit and discovered that they prefer "brackish" water over fresh, clean water. They live in the tidal pools, and swampy places near the shore."Nasty," was the first word that floated through my head. The girl at the pet store confirmed my thoughts when she said that the fiddler crabs were the dirtiest critters she had to care for. They could make the water in their tank black within the week. I wouldn't want to live in their environment. And it's not where God wants me to live either. Why stay close to the shore where the tide can't come clean my life? Why stayed moored to shallowness and staleness? Why continue thinking of God as someone who doesn't honestly know what's best for me?

So, yes, I may have to pull up anchor and do a bit of work and I may definitely need a serious attitude change. But somehow, it's easier trusting that this is really what's best for me. And if I roll up my sleeves and actively embrace what He has provided me, I'll get to sail out to deeper waters where I can enjoy Him even more.

Now, if I could only get them to keep their rooms this way...

Frogs, Cars, and Quiet Times

2007-05-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

Several posts back I told you that Molly and I are doing a special Sunday school class called Secret Keeper Girls. Well, for our "date" this week, she was supposed to get a fancy up-do. For many of us moms, these weekly dates have been difficult to squeeze into our already packed and hectic schedules. So this week, most of us met at the church and a couple of daring young ladies, armed with curling irons, crimping irons, rubber bands, and can upon can of hairspray attacked those wild tresses and brought about works of art! It was a small room, late in the afternoon, filled with bouncing and buzzing girls who had more than enough energy to light a small city. One of the hair magicians said something about needing some music, so I dug a David Crowder CD out of my car and added it to the din.

And there, among the noise, sitting in a smallish sized chair with my head bowed close to my book, I studied the 27th psalm.

"How like my life of late," I thought. This seemed the total antithesis of a "quiet time". But it was all I had. I had to laugh when I came to verses 4 & 5 which say..."I'll study at his feet. That's the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world. The perfect getaway far from the buzz of traffic."

You might think that with all that noise and "traffic" around me that I didn't get much out of my study, but I did. I began to wonder about why The Message translates this passage as the buzz of traffic while the NIV and KJV translate it as "the day of trouble". So I looked up the word translated "trouble" to see just exactly what kind of trouble we were talking about.

The word is "rah" in Hebrew and it means "bad, evil, disagreeable, malignant, giving unhappiness or pain, distress, adversity, calamity, injury, wrong, misery" and is also sometimes translated as "hurt".

It didn't seem a far stretch for me because I know that my life looks a lot like high speed traffic. And I know that that high speed traffic has caused me to experience every bit of the kind of trouble the word "Rah" represents. Sometimes I feel like the little green frog in the old arcade game Frogger. My goal is to get across that busy highway alive yet I move much slower than the unpredictable, speeding cars. Sometimes life just seems so much bigger and meaner and louder than me. And sometimes I feel totally hopeless that I'll be able to cross the street in one piece. So, yes, to that helpless little frog, all that traffic does equal a day of trouble. That's when I need to take my Bible and sit down to study at His feet, because God said,

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

-Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

Seems to me that pretty much covers little frogs trying to cross the street!

Wisps of Fog

2007-04-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

This is such a beautiful time of year- my very favorite. The world is so new and beautiful. How is it then that our society has made certain that we miss this time of year if at all possible? Any mom knows that April and May are the worst months of the year to try to plan anything. Ask to see any family calendar this time of year and the blocks all bleed together with writing creeping out of the squares and up the side of the margin. The kids all had dentist appointments last Thursday. I knew about them- they were even written on the calendar and I heard the message the receptionist left on my answering machine. But did we go? Of course not! There was so much crammed into the day that when something else came up at the last minute, I completely forgot about the dentist. (Note to self: NEVER schedule dentist appointments in the spring!)
Don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining! So much of the busyness is a celebration of family and individual talents and efforts. Orchestra concerts (three to be exact), band concerts (2), track meets (too many to count), rehearsals and lessons and practices for all of the above, ballet auditions and rehearsals, weddings, meetings, field trips, showers, going away parties, the list goes on and on.

My husband has taken a new approach to this chaos this year. He has deliberately slowed down. As I ran across the parking lot to rush home the other day, I had to wait while he took pictures of the moon through Spanish moss. And wait while he takes pictures of flowers. And wait while he takes pictures of children playing. And wait while he takes pictures of...

Maybe he's trying to hold on to all this that's slipping through our fingers like sand. Maybe he's trying to preserve it for me because he knows I'm missing it. I know I need to follow his lead. What does all this rushing around get me, anyway?

For I don't know the first thing about tomorrow. I'm nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. (James 4:13-15 The Message) If this is all I have, I want to make the best choice.

It's a Seasonal Thing

2007-04-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

I can't remember exactly how it goes but it was something about our relationship with God being like seasons. And how once we've learned to embrace the dry, dead appearing times with the same vigor and praise as the vibrant, lively times, and learn to see God at work in one just as much as the other, then we are approaching spiritual maturity.

It's what came to mind this morning when for Easter, all I wanted was a beautiful, warm, worship party, like a child who greedily wants an Easter basket full of candy and goodies. How could it be Easter and not be just like that? Overflowing with goodness beyond measure. More sweet bounty of love and fellowship than one can stomach. A day that leaves one reeling from the sugar high. I didn't count on feeling just as excised and amputated as always- more like a hang-nail than a real Body part.

I guess spiritual maturity is still quite a ways off.

There are seasons when the tree is green, there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the thing looks dead. Now, does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be that it is only through seasons that true growth may come?
- The Celtic Book of Prayer, Aidan Readings, April 21

Nemo

2007-04-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

There once was a baby named, "Nemo"
Who was loved much more than he knew.
For his family was bigger and brighter than most
And their love for him grew and grew.

He had a Mommy and Daddy
A brother and sister too.
But he also had nurses and doctors
Who thought they were family too!

There was Jessie who rocked him at night time,
And Sarah who loved him by day.
On weekends Ms. Pat held him out in the station
And on the computer he'd play.

Gayle took him rides in the wagon,
And Allison snuck him some cake.
Leisa and Tony took care of his baths
And Oh! What a noise he would make!

They all knew how much he liked music,
And they kept him well stocked in toys.
They spoiled him royally and kissed on his cheeks,
The way you should all little boys!

He loved to hold on to long silky hair
And to pull on IDs that went, "snap"!
But when he was tired or too sick to play
He loved to sit still on your lap.

He'd nod his head "yes" and then cut his eyes
To see if you thought he was funny.
And everyone smiled and laughed at his trick.
When he smiled the whole world was sunny.

Sometimes Rebecca would bounce up and down
And Nemo would copy her dance.
When Lori played "peek-a-boo" under her desk,
He'd giggle and steal a quick glance.

Teresa and he had a game that they played-
He'd throw all his toys on the floor.
And after she picked them up all one by one,
He'd see if she'd play just once more.

There was something that Nemo found slightly odd:
Part of his family thought he liked frogs!
Like Jena and Becca with fun things to shake,
And even Ms. Helen! What sense did this make?

But he understood lonely and watching TV.
And despite what Doc Casey might say,
He understood TVs were really no fun.
He much preferred people who'd play.

Like Amy who nibbled on fingers and toes,
And Heather who read him his book,
And JoAnn who taught him where "this piggy goes",
He stole all of their hearts with one look.

When playtime was hampered by feeling real bad,
By fevers or bad tummy aches,
His nurse would come rock him and hold him real tight
While he'd reach up and stroke on her face.

He brought in his first New Year with nurse Angela.
His birthday was all about fish.
For Christmas his picture adorned the staff's tree.
But deep in his heart he'd a wish.

A wish for a tummy that liked what he ate,
And to stop all the pain and the pokes.
And even though hospital people were nice,
He wished he could live with his folks.

Poor Nemo seemed weaker as each day went by,
His family doing all they could do.
But then came a call and a long airplane ride.
And now- his wish would come true!

And though they all missed him so terribly much,
His hospital family and friends,
Their prayers were all answered as Nemo got well
And his sick little body did mend.

So deep in their hearts they will never forget
The baby they'd all come to know.
They'd treasure their memories and oft call to mind
Their stories of Baby Nemo.

(And P.S.: Happy B-day, Rah-Rah! We love you!)

Dog Bones, Banana Peels, and Radio Announcers

2007-03-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning on the way to work (very, very early in the morning) I heard an advertisement on WMHK. The announcer was proclaiming how God so often says exactly what you need to hear at just the right time, and how sometimes he even uses the medium of radio to do so. Then, of course, he proceeded to ask for money for the station. After I pulled into my spot in the parking garage, I picked up my Message to briefly read through the Psalm we are going to study this week for our Sunday School lesson. And here I am again, reading something I swear I've never read before but knowing that I have to have read it before because I've read all of the book of Psalms more than once!

It was Psalm 37. Maybe it was that I had never read it in The Message before, because when I read it in the NIV last night, it was very familiar. But reading it in The Message shed a whole new light on it and I knew right away that it was God, saying exactly what I needed to hear, at exactly the right time- just like the radio announcer said.

Psalm 37 talks a lot about how the righteous will fare in life, compared to the wicked. I've always believed "the wicked" were those people who intentionally do evil things. You know the type: they're the super villains in the super hero stories- General Zod, The Joker, Emperor Palpatine. They're the people in horror or suspense movies, like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. They're the meanies on the news who kidnap children or beat up old ladies. But that doesn't really fit the description of "wicked" that God uses. The Hebrew word used most in Psalm 37 for "wicked" is "rasha", meaning:

1. wicked, criminal
a. guilty one, one guilty of crime
b. wicked (hostile to God)
c. wicked, guilty of sin (against God or man)

Hmmm. Now who, exactly, does that last bit sound like? You? Me? The people I interact with day in and day out? That's why when Eugene Peterson translates wicked in The Message, he uses words like "braggart" and "those who climb the ladder", and "bullies". People who are self-focused and self-made. Self-centered and self-sufficient. Scary, huh? They sound like the people we work with, work for, live with, socialize with, and possibly, the people we are.

I'm not always perfect, not even close. But I know that more than anything, I want to keep company with God.
I want him to validate my life in the clear light of day.
I want to be God strong. To be happy while he holds my hand tightly, lest I stumble and fall.
I want to turn my back on evil and work for good.
To walk in step with God, close enough to hear his breath and his heartbeat.

The psalmist says that people like that chew on God's word like a dog chews on a bone. What a word picture there! Have you watched a dog chew on a bone? Dogs can chew on a bone for hours on end. Even when it looks like there's nothing left worth chewing on, they keep at it. It looks like they're not making any progress, hours and hours of chewing and the bone still looks the same. But eventually, one day it's devoured. Determination. Fascination. Obsession. Who knows? But try to take a bone from an enamored dog and you just may lose your hand. That's the way I'm to be with God's word. Possessive. Obsessive. Non-stop fascination.

And who knows? Just maybe I'll reap a few benefits along the way... say, maybe, a little less fretting, a spacious, free life, happiness at being held when the way gets a little rocky. And maybe even get to catch a glimpse of some bully slipping on the proverbial banana peel!

Blue

2007-03-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

How can a heart be so heavy on a day so beautiful?
How can one doubt so surely everything that's good, and beautiful when it's so vividly real in front of their very face?
Why?
Why would one readily believe things that are negative, even detrimental when there is very little evidence they even exist?
How can one look at a smattered blue bird lying on the edge of the road and not believe there's somehow more to it than just that- a smattered blue bird?

Blue birds should never be smattered.

He Who is Least Among You

2007-03-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

"Once we have become poor, we can be a good host. It is indeed the paradox of hospitality that poverty makes a good host. Poverty is the inner disposition that allows us to take away our defenses and convert our enemies into friends... since we have nothing to lose but all to give."
-Nouwen

I stumbled across this quote on the blog of a friend of a friend this AM. I had never visited that blog before but I believe God wanted me to see this particular quote. I don't know who Nouwen is or where this quote can be found, but I found it extremely powerful- especially after spending the morning frantically cleaning and fretting. Why? Only because two women (who have been here before... several times) were coming over for a very informal Bible study.

I remember when I toured with a singing group from college and stayed in peoples' homes that the least wealthy were almost always, without a doubt, the best hosts. I didn't figure that out back then. Back then, I'd always wait with bated breath to see how big and fancy the house was. When we'd gather back together in the morning, stories would be flying to see who had stayed at the most extravagant home. There are specific things I remember: a home so large I couldn't find my way to my bedroom. One that had a kitchen so large you could fit the entire downstairs of my house in it. One family had a daughter in a private high school for politician's kids around DC. In one of these fine households, the family left before we woke, leaving us no breakfast and my roomie and I tried to figure out how to make "toast" in a microwave and went through half of loaf of bread before we trudged off hungry. (Yes, I can cook... now.) I don't have any pictures of any of my host families and I remember very little about them. But Rod has stories about a family who really couldn't afford to keep anyone but did anyway. We have pictures of them. They were so thrilled to be allowed to host kids and Rod could tell you details from staying there. And his stories aren't horror stories. They are stories about what good hosts they were.

I remember during my public health rotation in undergrad that the patients we would visit were always so thrilled to be getting nursing students. One elderly couple had barely enough to eat. There was one orange in a bowl on the table. But the precious lady insisted that we split it four ways, one quarter each for me, my nursing student buddy, herself, and her ailing diabetic husband. I have memories of children in Costa Rica bringing me tiny treasures that belonged to them as going away gifts when I visited there one summer. Villagers in Jesus de Otoro, Honduras, showering us with gifts when we visited my sister who lived there during her years in the Peace Corps. Every experience genuine and memorable- because the people didn't give things- they gave of themselves.

It's so easy when we have a lot of stuff to dish stuff out and feel like we've accomplished something. When I went to Moldova we handed out toys we had collected to the orphans. I was appalled at what some people had offered. Broken McDonald's Happy Meal toys... they couldn't part with the ones that weren't broken? Sheesh! I wanted to give them the very best and what we had looked like junk.

I don't want to offer junk. I want to offer my best; I want to offer me; I want to offer- not just me- but the very best me there is. I don't want to be embarrassed by what I gave. I pray that I will keep in touch with my own poverty so that I will only strive to offer my very best.

China or Styrofoam?

2007-03-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever worry that despite what God wants for your life that you just aren't making it? You know what a child of God looks like (or at least you think you do) and you know what their life must be like - their behavior, their thoughts, their hearts - and when you compare them to yours you simply don't see the resemblance? Do you sometimes feel like God must be shaking His head and wondering if you're ever going to "get it"?

My daughter and I are embarking on a new Sunday School class called Secret Keeper Girl. It's a Bible study of sorts to help young girls learn that their value is found in being a child of God, not in whatever society says of them. It's full of fun outings to places like hair salons, shopping malls, trips to get facials, and view art. The first lesson is about a china tea cup and the outing is for a formal tea.

At first, I was a little riled about the whole china tea cup comparison. I mean, what makes a china tea cup special? Why is it "worth" more than, say, a Styrofoam cup? Well, in my eyes, the china cup is worth more because it's fragile, decorated, delicate. That offended me! Those were worldly assignments of worth. Did I want my daughter to be valued because she's dainty and pretty on the outside? I have Depression glass tea cups. I have never put hot water in them because I'm terrified they will break. Did I want my daughter to learn that she was just a decoration, too fragile to be of use to the Kingdom? It seemed at first that the Styrofoam cup was more Christ like! It's functional. It doesn't detract from it's purpose which is to effectively serve hot beverages and keep them hot without burning your hand. It does its job perfectly well and in the end, the cup, the outer trappings, can be discarded. Why even the fact that it isn't biodegradable seemed Christ like to me! Just like Styrofoam, He lasts forever!!

But then I listened to the story about the china tea cup. I had forgotten that china is a type of pottery. I took a pottery class in college. We had to work the clay over and over with our bare hands until my hands ached. We worked out every bubble because even the tiniest bubble in the raw clay could cause the art to burst in the oven. We (well, most of us- not me) threw our clay on the wheel, spinning it until we got it just right. (I never got mine just right!) The project was baked at a high temperature, painted with high fume glaze and then re-baked. If the project had been human, all of that work to produce a lovely piece of art would have been quite painful! And I can imagine that the poor little piece of clay would have never believed that eventually it was going to be just what the potter had in mind.

So often, just like that piece of clay, I wonder if I will ever turn out right. I believe that I'm faulty clay- that there's not much even a Master Potter could accomplish with me. And then I read verses like Romans 8:29-30:

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

And I believe that what God sets His mind to, He accomplishes (Isaiah 55:11), so maybe there's hope yet!

If You Love Me

2007-03-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

Scenario: One is busy doing what one does (working, playing, fishing, living...) and Jesus appears out of nowhere and cooks you breakfast. And then he asks you, not once, not twice, but three times, "Do you love me?"

I have pondered the verses of John 21:15-17 many times in my life. I've wondered what it must have felt like to have Jesus question you as to your love for him. Jesus knows everything! So He obviously didn't ask because he didn't know. There must be another reason he asked. Some people say he had to ask to make Peter say it out loud three times to nullify the three denials. I don't buy that. Sure, there's an obvious pattern there- three declarations of love to cancel out three denials. But it seems slightly legalistic to me. And besides, simply saying that you love someone never convinces them! It takes something more. Maybe the person who needed convincing wasn't Jesus, but Peter. Maybe Jesus asked him three times to make Peter assess his love for him. We don't know why Jesus asked him but we do know it hurt him that Jesus had to ask, it says so in verse 17. And know I would be hurt as well.

I would hope that Jesus could take one look at my life and see that I loved him. But you know, sometimes (maybe most times!) I believe that I'm out fishing, just like Peter had been. And no one at all can tell that I love him.

Jesus had appeared to the disciples on two other occasions before this scene since his death and resurrection. And it would appear that although the miracle has happened, it hasn't really had much effect on their lives. Peter's hanging out with his buds and says, "I'm done here, y'all. I'm going fishing." There are no stories of great miracles or overt demonstrations of love for Christ since he's appeared to them. Life has a rather stagnant feel to it.

Contrast this with Acts chapter 9. This is a different Peter we're seeing now. He's traveling all over the country, visiting the saints. He heals a paralytic named Aeneas and raises Dorcas from the dead. This is a man who is out and about the things of Christ. There would be no doubt in ones mind that Peter loved Jesus. Why? Because he's doing what Jesus asked him to do: taking care of His sheep.

In John 14:21, Jesus says that that's how he'll know if we love him- if we are obeying his commands. And his commands to us are very much like his command to Peter to take care of his sheep. We are to become holy like He is holy. (Three times in the book of Leviticus, God commands this: Lev. 11:44-45, 19:2 & 20:7) We are to love one another as He has loved us (John 15:12). We study the character of God and pursue Him. We learn to have a heart of compassion like His and we act on it. We learn in Psalm 72 that God has a heart for the poor and the needy; we see the Proverbs 31 woman must love Him, for she has that same heart (Proverbs 31:20). We learn by example and spur each other on to do the same (Hebrews 10:24)

And maybe then, He won't have to ask.

Thanksgiving in February

2007-02-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Most people spend the third or fourth week of November making conscious notes of their blessings. Like most people, I do think about that around Thanksgiving. But I think about it more in February.

We celebrate a lot of birthdays in our family during this month, from January 21st (my mother-in-law) to February 21st, my youngest son's. There's my mother on February 6th, my husband's on February 10th and my oldest son's on February 18th. By the time poor Wilby's birthday pulls up the tail on the 21st, we're all sick and tired of cake! (I guess the fact that we took him to Shoney's for apple pie for his first birthday should have been a warning!) But despite all that cake, the cards, and the calories (don't forget there's Valentine's Day thrown in there in the middle!) it really is all about the blessings.

My mother-in-law is the kind of mother-in-law all girls should dream of having. She raised her son to be the best possible husband and friend. She is an encourager. I have never once heard her speak ill of anyone. She is beautiful inside and out and I would love to have some of her rub off on me!

My own mother is the world's greatest giver. She makes, bakes, cans, sews, calls, writes, visits. She's a hard worker and a great friend. She was my Girl Scout leader (and the very best one in the whole state- I must add!) All of my friends were jealous of me when we were growing up- they all wanted my mom for theirs! She still stays involved from over 500 miles away, sending clippings from newspapers and calling to see how "today" went- whatever "today" it may have been: first day of school, first day of braces, first day with your new present.

My husband defies description. Just ask one of his students and they'll agree. He's one of the most (if not the most) unique individuals ever. I chose a Valentine for him with a princess and a knight in shining armor. It aptly called him the Champion of My Heart. He has been my champion over the years, fighting battles for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He has prayed holes in the knees of his jeans for me. He has loved me when I have been very unlovable, vowing to never give up on me.

My son Jack has never ceased to amaze me from the moment I first felt him move in my belly til this very morning. His compassion and wisdom have always been way beyond his years. He is dependable, respectful, and talented. He's even really good looking! I have been so blessed to watch him mature and to see him rise up to challenges that kids much older than he would easily back away from.

My younger son, Will, has been a smile on my face since conception! We considered the name "Isaac" for him- even before he was born, because it means laughter. I believe if you know him, you might agree that we should have followed our first instinct! Although he is delightfully creative and a beam of pure sunshine, like most extremists can swing just as far the other way. His pains and fears are ravishing. Sometimes I wish he didn't have to feel things so deeply but I know that that is the reason he is the marvelous creature that he is! I expect such wonderful things from both of my sons!

I can't stop there, you know. I have a daughter whose birthday is really in November, when all this reflection on blessings is supposed to happen. I guess she just didn't get the memo that in our family, Thanksgiving is in February! Or maybe she was just a little early (no...more likely she was a lot late!). Anyway, talk about blessings overflowing. She lives life constantly on the edge- exploring, pushing, trying harder than I ever tried at anything. Her 4 MB lime green i-Pod is almost full, with artists ranging from the B52's and Anberlin to Yo-Yo Ma and the cast of Annie! What 11 year old do you know that can sing the entire Best of Pat Benetar CD- without the lyric sheet?!? She does it all this way, from dancing on her toes to playing her new cello to defending picked on kids at school.

I suppose I could go on and on- my Dad, my sisters and their families, my in-laws- all of them jewels. That's what I mean when I say that February is Thanksgiving for me. With this landfall of birthdays right here in 4 weeks, I am forced to face the music...

I am blessed.

Love That's Bigger Than My Body

2007-02-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, my sweet hubby took me to the John Mayer concert. This was one of my Christmas presents from him. I had been looking forward to this event even before I knew we were going!

I've been plagued with a neck injury for about three weeks or so now. It's trying to ruin my life! But I was going to enjoy last night despite the pain! I'd purchased a special outfit to wear- including necklace and earrings- just a few days after Christmas. I soaked in the tub, took a quick nap and an extra dose of pain medicine. I was determined! But the injury prevailed. The concert was wonderful. The company even better. Afterwards we even met up with some friends at a coffee shop to put the cherry on top of the already great evening. But by the time we got home, I was a mess. There is no way you can fake it through terrible physical pain.

I wonder why we think we can? Why do we think we're so much stronger than we really are? Even though last night was dampened by my physical condition, it will go down in my history books as one of the best nights of my life... you know why? Because of love. There have been so many times I haven't noticed how much I am loved but last night was not one of them. I was a princess, chosen and cherished. And that love is what will stick in my memory- not the pain, not the way it didn't all happen just the way I had planned. Just the love.

Thanks, Babe. You were perfect.

Training for the Long Run

2007-02-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

About 2 years ago, my eldest son started taking an interest in running and went out for the middle school track team. One day, I talked him into going for a run with me. It was a little over 3 mile run; not bad for a beginner, but up the long hill at the end, he really started to lag behind. I ran the hill and then jogged back for him, encouraging him along the way.

Last Saturday, he and I went for another run. This time, we were doing my five mile route. He outpaced me from the very start and although I can run this course without much difficulty, somewhere near the middle, I just let him go. He'd turn around every now and then to see if he was supposed to go straight or take an upcoming turn and I'd signal him on- each time from further away. Eventually, I lost sight of him- he knew the way home.

Earlier that day, we were discussing the book of Daniel over danishes and sodas at a local coffee shop, while we waited for little sister to finish up her dance class. I wanted to impress him with my newly gained knowledge of the fulfillment of kingdom prophesies in the second chapter. I was blown away by the fact that Cyrus was mentioned by name 150 years before he came into being as the one who would set the Israelites free from their Babylonian captivity. (See Isaiah 45). He was unimpressed... he already knew all of that and even pointed out some other prophesies mentioned in Jeremiah about the same deal. He had learned all about this in his small group that meets on Sunday nights. We went on to discuss the pertinence of the book of Daniel for all of society today, especially for teens as they seek who they really are and what they really believe. We drew parallels between the 15 year old Daniel and his friends and himself, who will turn 15 in just a few days. I was amazed at his understanding and a little disappointed that I had never learned these truths at his young age.

How rewarding as a parent to watch him run so far ahead- even to out of sight. And how encouraging when I saw him jogging back up the road to finish the run beside me.

Ecclesiastes 8:1 Lesson

2007-02-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

So the evening was going just fine. My three beautiful and talented children were starting to wind down for the night when the youngest decided she wanted to sing for me. It was beautiful. I've always been a sucker for family music time so I egged her on and with very little coaxing, she sang for me again. Then we called her brother down and he picked up the fiddle solo in the song. The 3 minute before-bed-serenade became a 45 minute family concert and my heart was filled to overflowing with pride. Then somewhere the bottom fell out and there were tears and screams and doors slamming. Where did I go wrong?

In total desperation and angst, with tears streaming down my own cheeks, I grabbed my computer and typed "help raising children john rosemond" in the google search box. The computer churned for a moment and then, with a sigh of helplessness, went blank. The problem was apparently even too much for a computer! Now what!?! Am I to be left totally helpless in this situation? Is even my computer going to turn its back on me?

Rod came home from the gym and did his best to cheer me up (with faint screams still echoing in the distance) and something he said reminded me of something I'd been studying in Daniel- something about why we act the way we do; about how the world holds us in a self-serving, self-centered, "friendly captivity" that causes us to say, "I am the only one; there is no other but me."(Isaiah 47:10) There was my parenting tip. There was my wise counsel. Not in my computer. Not something written by some mere human parenting guru. It was wisdom of the wisest sort. The very words of God- the greatest parenting guru of all!

One of these days I'll learn. And if my kids are going to survive, sooner would be better!

There's nothing better than being wise, Knowing how to interpret the meaning of life.
Wisdom puts light in the eyes,
And gives gentleness to words and manners.

-Ecclesiastes 8:1 (The Message)

Walking in the Dark

2007-01-19T10:34:00.001-08:00

I once read a true story in Guide Posts about a young girl who was driving her car early in the morning and when she went around a bend in the road, she was blinded by the early morning sun. She continued on her path, hoping to stay on the road and unfortunately, struck and killed a woman who was getting her mail from her roadside mailbox. The story was written by the woman's daughter and the beauty of the story was how God had given her the grace to move beyond the tragedy and the beautiful relationship that developed between her and her mother's "killer".

That story came back to mind this AM while reading Oswald. He spoke of the blinding darkness that sometimes follows a vision from God. How sometimes, when God tells us He's about to do great things, it seems He actually does nothing and how we are tempted, so often to "do for Him", like Abram did with Hagar. And what a mess it makes. I thought about the tragedy that follows when we set out on our own in darkness- without light to lead the way.

I've been reading in Isaiah a lot lately. There are so many precious gems in that book. And this morning I was blessed with another new favorite: Isaiah 50:10-11

Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.
But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

I've always been afraid of the dark. I had to have the hall light on as a child and slept with a night light by my head. As a child, if I woke in darkness, I would immediately become totally still, listening with all my might for signs of danger, of tigers prowling about in the cellar. But sometimes lighting a light in the dark could make it worse. Camp fires can be particularly tormenting, especially if I happen to know there are bears in the area! The way the fire leaps and dances, cracks and pops; the way it makes the shadows dance and things that aren't even real take on frightening shapes. My imagination can really go wild!

But dancing torch fires or camp fires are the limit of our abilities to light the world around us in our own power. With our own wisdom and logic, we create just enough light to make the shadows dance, or even worse, create shadows where real danger can hide. God shows us in Isaiah 50 how Jesus used his ears to listen at these times of darkness rather than make fires that can make things worse. With Jesus as our model, we are to do the same: open our ears and listen to his instruction. He promises us that His arm is not too short to save us, that He does not lack the strength to rescue us. The truly wise will wait and listen in the darkness and rely totally on God to bring them through.

God grant me the wisdom to stand still and listen so I don't make a mess of things today. I'm relying on You.

Old Truck; New Truck

2007-01-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

Recently my husband said he hoped it never occurred to me to put him a comparison chart with something else like he did his old truck and his new truck. Seeing as I haven't ever had an "old husband" I really didn't know what I'd compare him to. But the thought was intriguing so here it is, Babe. I just couldn't resist the temptation!

Looks like we both did pretty well!

Dead Trees and Burnt Out Lights

2007-01-16T12:42:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to finish taking down my Christmas decorations today. It seems I'm last in the neighborhood this year. Even my next door neighbor (who's always late at taking her stuff down) has beat me this year. It's just hard to do. There's just no excitement in it- it all fizzled out!

We're always a little later at getting our stuff up than our neighbors. Seems like Thanksgiving hits and everyone's racing to beat the other guy to get their stuff up. We usually wait until at least the first or second week of December. Then it's running around every night to light the lights in the windows, on the porch, on the mantel, and of course the tree. In the beginning, the tree gets lots and lots of water. This year, Rod went to water it one day and it immediately spilled on the floor; I had just watered it. Then things seem to taper off a bit. We forget to light the lights one night or more likely, we forget to turn them off. Then they burn all day and, well, we might as well leave them on- it'll be dark soon. That's probably why I need new lights on my porch garlands next year!

It occurred to me as I unwound the burnt out lights from the porch garlands how similar our personal relationships with Christ can be to all of this. How when things are exciting we can stay in tune, how we pray, study, sing, how all of life can be about Him and our relationship. And how once the pattern sets in, the novelty wears off, we can forget, get bored, and simply careless. And maybe I'm only talking about myself.

When I took the tree outside the other day to leave for the garbage pickup, it was bone dry- not a drip of water in the stand. The once full of life, soft needles had become brittle weapons of destruction tearing into my hands and forearms making them bleed. The mess it made was awful- not just the mess on me but on the floor, the porch, the sidewalk...everywhere it went- a mess.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
- Psalm 1:1-3

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
- John 15:5-8

Full Life vs. Peace

2007-01-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Ok! ok! Alright already! I'm back! (It's nice to feel loved and missed!- thanks!)

So, you wonder (or maybe you don't) what on earth has kept me from blogging! And of course, I'd have to say it was a VERY FULL LIFE!! We've had holidays, traveling, kids out of school, company from far and near (which have ALL stayed up WAY past their bedtimes!) We've bought a new ride and boogered it up. I've gotten new insurance and it doesn't work, kids have had basketball, and ballet, and concerts, and doctors' appointments... the list goes on and on! Wow! And this is what I dreamed of when I was little and couldn't wait to grow up?

Really, when I was little, all I ever wanted was to grow up into a "full" life. I thought for life to be full and complete, all I would need was a husband to love me. Then maybe some kids to take care of and love. Of course, I'd need a job that I loved and in which I found personal satisfaction and respect. To get all that (including the loving husband) I had to go to college. There I learned that education was imperative for having a complete life. So after I got married, I had to get even more education. While in pursuit of that, I discovered that a full life really wasn't fully complete until I had a house in which the children didn't have to all share one tiny bedroom and a job that made more money and heralded more respect. I was hot on the trail of the American Dream.

And somewhere in all of that, I crashed.

This morning, while reading in Isaiah, I noticed that Eugene Peterson had translated some of my favorite passages wrong. I've grown up spiritually in the NIV. So when I read Isaiah 26:3, I read that God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is steadfast on him. And further on, in verse 12, God establishes peace for me. In Job 22:21, I am instructed to submit to God and I will be at peace with him and prosperity (ahh...I like that word!) will come to me. And then back in Isaiah 27:5 I am invited to make peace with God. Ultimately, in Romans 5:1, Paul tells me that the whole process of justification by faith (difficult to understand with just those words) will result in peace with God (that I can appreciate!) But what did Dr. Peterson do wrong? In every instance, he translated the word peace as full life, whole life or completeness. So out of curiosity, I flipped over to the most famous of peace verses: Isaiah 9:6. Was Jesus going to be the Prince of the whole life?!?

And guess what?

I read:

His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness!

Now what does one do with that? One goes to the lexicon!

This word is the Hebrew word ~wlX or shalowm meaning:

completeness, soundness, welfare, peace

completeness (in number)
safety, soundness (in body)
welfare, health, prosperity
peace, quiet, tranquillity, contentment
peace, friendship
1. of human relationships
2. with God especially in covenant relationship
peace (from war)
peace (as adjective)

-Crosswalk.com

There it was- the number one word in the definition: Completeness. Peace with God is equated to completeness- a whole, complete, full life.

When my world came crashing down around me, I realized that I wasn't at peace with anyone- not my family, my friends, myself, and least of all God. In my struggles to find that full and complete life, I had abandoned all to the pursuit and in it, I lost all semblances of peace. But God is a good God who doesn't forget his children when they stray.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.
-Isaiah 54:10

And

Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I will never forget you- never. Look, I've written your names on the backs of my hands.
-Isaiah 49:15-16

When we come back to him, we find that he has wiped the slate of all our wrongdoings. There is nothing left of our sin. "Come back, Come back. I have redeemed you," he calls. (Isaiah 44:22). This was his plan from the very beginning. A plan for redemption and reconciliation. A plan for a full and complete life, at peace with him. Why do we have to learn the hard way? Why don't we just listen? It's a fair question: God asks it himself.

If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river (NIV)

or in Dr. Peterson's translation:

If you had listened all along to what I told you, your life would have flowed full like a river, blessings rolling in like waves from the sea. (Isaiah 48:18)

So there's nothing wrong with a full life. In fact, it's what God had planned for me all along. It's just that I have been faithful to the human way of life, just like the Israelites, rather than faithful to God's way- a way so high and above me that it's beyond my understanding.

I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work. For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

But when I submit to him and his high and mighty ways, he promises that I'll go out in joy and be led into a whole and complete life (Isaiah 55:12)

Planting Joy Seeds

2006-12-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

I have posted 105 times in the past year and six weeks. I have not posted at all in the past 5 weeks. I sat down this morning and looked over some of my old posts and marveled that I ever had that much to say. I'm quiet now. There has been a blanket of gray over things lately...much like the sky today. It's something I just can't seem to shake. This gray thing has spawned hungry searches through scriptures, prayer, and perusals over books on the Pursuit of God (Tozer) and the Power of Asking (Chambers). I know that God has promised that if we seek Him with all our heart, He will be found (Jeremiah 29:13-14). And I know that it's Jesus' desire that we our joy be complete (John 15). And since I can't seem to find either God or joy, I began to wonder what was wrong with my search. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with our search methods. Sometimes, I think, we just look for the wrong thing.

Nancy Leigh this morning had a guest that said,

People tend to think that if you have the Lord, then you ought to be joyful all the time. But that’s really not the picture that we have in the Bible of anybody who was walking with the Lord. Do we have the joy of the Lord in the midst of trial and difficulty? Yes. But we also suffer grief and sorrow and we live in a fallen world. Part of what that means is that I’m not going to be happy here—the way in which I’m going to be happy when I’m there, when I’m standing with the Lord.

This seems so two sided to me- talking from both sides of her mouth. What is this "joy of the Lord" if it doesn't produce joy here and now? Why only a joy for a future life in Heaven? I'm not against having suffering and sorrow. What I'm against is saying that there is this joy that I'm supposed to have all the time that isn't joy as I know it. It's some different kind of joy.

When you read about joy in the Bible, it seems to me to be the kind of joy that I'm familiar with. (Try it: Go to Biblegateway.com and put the word "joy" in the search box. See if it's not a joy you recognize!) It's joyful dancing in the streets when a battle has been won. It's leaping for joy at the birth of a baby that was believed impossible. It's joy at gazing on God's creation. I know these kinds of joy. And these kinds of joy can be squelched by death, injury, pain, sorrow, sin, sadness, shame, monotony, self-absorption, pride... the list goes on and on. If I listed all the joy-squelchers I'd be here all day!

But something else I noticed while I read these entries on joy was that much of the joyful writers' joy came from knowing that God was in control (see Psalm 97 especially). He speaks of Light-seeds and Joy-seeds being planted in my heart simply from realizing that God is in control. And in Isaiah 55, God says that the covenant He has made with us is that of a "sure, solid, and enduring love". So the God in control has a sure, solid, enduring love for me that isn't going to quit- that can withstand the storms of any death, injury, pain, sorrow, sin, sadness, shame, monotony, self-absorption, pride.... He will still be in control. He will still love me. According to Isaiah 35:8, God's road is a road of redemption, where joy is unfading. A road where He is buying me back from a life of monotony and self-absorption. So I go out on that road of redemption and walk into a life of joy that is complete (Isaiah 55:12-13). A life that knows that God is in control, despite the gray. And then, in my heart, a little tiny seed of Light is planted- a joy-seed.

It's good to know I don't have to wait until Heaven to have joy.

I Love That Scent You're Wearing!

2006-10-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Rod recently bestowed upon me my very own i-Pod, complete with over 700 songs. One of my very favorites is Scarborough Fair, performed exquisitely by Gypsy Soul. An odd little song with a haunting melody, I've never been quite sure what it was about- until now. I've always wondered why they sing, over and over again, "Parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme". And I think I've figured it out- it's about scent and memory. Anyone who has cooked with fresh herbs knows they are heavy, unique scents. This lover is remembering her true love who is gone away and for some reason, the scent of parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme bring back his memory.

There's a scientifically proven link between scent and memory. No other sense can trigger memory as strongly as smell. I think this is interesting when considering the verse from Isaiah that says,

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. (Is. 26:8, NIV)

Now, you may be wondering what scents have to do with this verse- so I'll have to tell you!!! (Watch out! I've been looking up Hebrew words again!) Since I have recently studied "delight" and that word was sometimes translated "desire", I started wondering what this particular "desire" meant. This was a different "desire"- this one is nephesh, meaning the very inner being of who we are- our essence, our soul, appetite, mind. So ponder that: The very essence of my being, my soul, my appetite, desires this thing- that's a deep desire- and for what? The desire is for "God's name and renown".

Hmmm. God's name and renown. I am to have a deep, essence-being desire for God's renown. What does that mean? So I looked up "renown". And here comes the smell... renown is the Hebrew word zeker meaning scent, memory, memorial, remembrance. There they were- scent and memory in one word- together. We are to desire with our innermost being- our very essence- the scent of God- the memory of Him.

Smells are not private things. Just walk down the mall near a Yankee Candle store and you know everyone else is smelling it too- like it or not! We strive to cover our own personal scents with things like deodorants and perfumes. And it is the scent of God that we are to desire to conjure up. We are to desire His scent to be present where ever we are. It's who we are- what we are about in our very essence. And when we bring up this scent of God it will not be a private thing- it will be noticeable to others.

I wonder how often I actually conjure up the scent of God- or even how often it is in my very essence to desire to do so. Can I really claim what Isaiah says as my own, real, desire? Oh how I want to. I want it the way Paul describes it:

In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.
-2 Corinthians 2:14-16 The Message

I want the scent of Christ to eminate from me and to call to mind the God of the universe that others would be drawn to Him. But how does one achieve this? Obviously they don't sell this scent at Bath and Bodyworks but sadly enough, I believe many think they can slip into church and pick it up at the altar on the way out, much like shopping at Bath and Body. No, this scent comes from staying in close proximity to our Lord.

Sometimes Rod rubs my face with his just before he leaves for work for the day. All day long I can smell his cologne from where it rubbed off on me. This is much the same way we are to obtain that scent of God for others to smell. Rub up against Him- close against Him- closer still. So close that His scent rubs off on you. And stay there- praying, praising, reading His word, pondering Him. Then, when we go out into the world, we smell like Him. And who knows what the result of that might be?

Active Delight

2006-10-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I ran across this verse yesterday in 2 Samuel 22:20 and I pondered what it meant for God to delight in me. To me, the word "delight" means that I enjoy something. I would be "delighted" with a gift, or your company, or dessert! Was this the kind of delight David was talking about? It didn't really seem the same to me, so I looked it up at Crosswalk.com in the Hebrew lexicon.

The word translated here as "delight" was used 71 times in the Old Testament. It was used when Boaz was committing himself to Ruth as her kinsmen redeemer(Ruth 3:13). It's the word used when Isaiah says that God's word will not return without accomplishing what he desires, what he pleases (Is.55:11). It's also the word he uses to say that it was God's desire, his pleasure, to bruise his servant (Is.53:10). It's the delight that is used when Shechem delighted in Dinah that resulted in her kidnapping and rape and ultimately his murder (Genesis 34).

At first it seemed that there were a lot of different meanings. But as I studied each entry, I saw that each time, the delight resulted in something. It was not a static delight like my delight of receiving a gift or experiencing something. It consistently resulted in action. It is the desire of actively seeking. The desire that takes us where we want to go and accomplishes the goal. It found a redeemer for Ruth. God's word accomplishes his will. Jesus was bruised, crucified, killed for us. Dinah's innocence destroyed. And in 2 Samuel 22:20, it resulted in David's rescue.

This is the kind of delight God has in his children. A delight that results in action. It is not a stationary, effect-less delight. God is not far away, uninvolved or removed from his children. Jeremiah 9:24 says that God delights (same word) in loving kindness, judgement, and righteousness in earth. That means that he will accomplish these things. And because we are his, I believe it is through us and in us that these delights will be accomplished.

I like accomplishing what I set out to do. There is little more frustrating to me than to look back over my day and to admit that I have accomplished nothing. In the Psalms, the word is used 17 times but only 5 of those times does it refer to mankind's delight (and one of those five is our delight for war!) People on the whole are probably not exceptionally good at using our desires or delights to accomplish great things. But according to the psalmists, the greatest delight we can shoot for is to delight in our God. Delight in a way that moves us towards him. Delight in a way that improves us and honors him. So I'll leave you with these verses to ponder... and a wish that you have a delightful day!

Psalm 40:8 (NIV)
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.

Psalm 73:25 (NIV)
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

Psalm 112:1 (NIV)
Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands

Psalm 119:35 (NIV)
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.

Breaking the Illusion Addiction

2006-10-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

I must admit that lately, I have been discouraged. And today's Oswald was about exactly that. Poor Moses. Can you imagine as a young, influential prince of Egypt, knowing that God had placed you there to liberate your oppressed people only to have Him chunk you to the desert to feed sheep for 40 years? What discouragement!

Sometimes when we are discouraged, we say that we have become "disillusioned". I believed God wanted me in that place doing that certain thing but now it has become obvious that that is not where he wants me. When people become disillusioned, it is sometimes quite easy to become bitter or cynical. "After all I've suffered through, I can tell you what the world is really like!" But Oswald teaches that becoming disillusioned can actually be a very good thing- a very freeing thing. Becoming dis illusioned means becoming free from the magical thinking you have created surrounding a certain circumstance or person. (July 30th) Jesus was consistantly free from illusions or magical thinking. Oswald points out that Jesus never trusted human beings because He knew our hearts, he knew what we were made of. This didn't cause him to become cynical or bitter; it caused him to encourage us to move on. When the disciples fell asleep at Gesthemane, Jesus finally said, "Go ahead and sleep" and then upon returning the last time asked them to wake, get up and get moving- on to the next thing. He accepted that they were unable to do as He requested and accepted what they were capable of doing. He did not have false expectations. He did not have illusions about what we were able to do. (See Matthew 26:43-46)

One of the things I like to do is to read past the ends of "chapters" in the Bible and see how what follows is really part of what preceded. Knowing that the writers didn't put the chapter breaks in, I like to pretend they're not there and often it gives me a new insight into the subject. Take, for example, John 2:24-25, the end of the second chapter of John.

During the time he was in Jerusalem, those days of the Passover Feast, many people noticed the signs he was displaying and, seeing they pointed straight to God, entrusted their lives to him. But Jesus didn't entrust his life to them. He knew them inside and out, knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help in seeing right through them.
-The Message

The first part of the next chapter is the story of Nicodemus questioning Jesus about how one is to be born again. It's quite possible to forget about the last verse in chapter 2 while you are reading this story- the verse that says that Jesus held no false beliefs about humans- he knew their hearts and what they were made of- the verse that says how he knows how untrustworthy we are. But reading on, with that in mind, you come to verses 19-21, where Jesus says to Nicodemus,

This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is.

There it is: Jesus says that this is our crisis: we are addicted to denial and illusion. This is obviously not his crisis because back in chapter 2, we read that Jesus had no illusions (no misrepresentations, no magical thinking) about what we are and what humans are capable of. He didn't trust us. But it didn't make him not love us, either. Jesus wasn't discouraged because he was free from illusions. He saw the picture the way it was- no rose colored glasses.

I don't know if I'm getting across what I'm wanting to say today. It's just that I think this is huge- to see the source of our pain- our disappointment- our discouragement- as the illusions we are addicted to. Moses addicted to the illusion that he could free his people under his own power as a prince of Egypt- disillusioned by 40 years in the desert feeding sheep as a fugitive. Peter addicted to the illusion that he could fight to the death for his Lord- disillusioned by three previously forewarned denials of the same. Saul of Tarsus addicted to the illusion that he could best serve his God by killing all the Christians in his power as a Pharisee- disillusioned by a blinding vision that incapacitated him and possibly left him with his "thorn in the flesh" but changed his life forever, allowing him to become the very disciple of the Jesus he was trying to obliterate. Being disillusioned is no cause for cynism or bitterness- no reason to become discouraged. It is a call to a new life, where I am made into something God can really use. The magical thinking about how things would be done if I were God is removed. And I am left with clear vision of Truth and Reality in which I can walk in and welcome the God-light. None of me...all of God.

Dishwasher Dogma

2006-10-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I helped my youngest work on a report about inventions, she complained that she didn't want to know anything about dishwashers- dishwashers were stupid. There was no amount of expository preaching on my part capable of convincing her that finding out about how or why dishwashers were invented could be fun or interesting. Now take that dishwasher away and make her chore actually washing the dishes as opposed to only unloading the dishwasher and her tune might change. That's because she has a "relationship" with the dishwasher; she has experienced it and now can see what a change it has made in her life!

This morning's installment of Oswald was entitled, "Whereby Shall I know?" or "How shall I know?" He explored how we come to an understanding or knowledge of the ultimate Truth. It is through obedience, not study- through experience, not fact recitation- that we come to know God- to have relationship with Him- to love Him.

Anyone can read a Bible and have factual knowledge of God. That does not mean that they will be changed. I know people who can recite John 3:16 in multiple translations (and maybe even several languages) that haven't been truly changed by what it means to be "so loved". They are still filled with bitterness, unforgiveness, judgement, hatred, worry, anxiety, self-centeredness. (Whoa...some of those things hit just a little too close to home...)

Jesus said that if we love him, we will obey him- that if we love him, we will continue doing what he was doing- that we would be about his work, continuing it. And that if we needed him to do anything to help us continue his work, all we need do is ask and he would give. (See John 14:11-14) (On second thought, just read John 14!) Those who had experienced a relationship with him would continue his work, would find it interesting, would pursue what his heart pursued. While those with only knowledge of him, without relationship with him, would attempt to kill him.

This summer, before we went to Petit St. Vincent, I was so excited about it I read everything I could about the place. I would google search PSV every other day, just to see if any new blog sites, travel reviews, or websites had popped up over night. I knew that most travel books in Barnes and Nobles contained only a paragraph or two about PSV. I simply could not get enough information about it. And then we went there...I experienced it. There is nothing like it, no way I could explain it. I didn't blog about it- I couldn't do it- it was too overwhelming, too wonderful. It would take multiple entries to express to you what I experienced there. So many entries, you'd be sick of it! I just didn't even try. (Well, I did try- I just couldn't bring myself to type anything!)

I think that's what Oswald's trying to say about a relationship with God. That until you experience it, it doesn't change you. You can know about it, you can fight it, you can pretend you've been there when you haven't. And you will continue to walk in darkness. But those who know him, who have experienced him, who have obeyed him, have come into a relationship with him that has changed them forever. They have seen a great light and no longer walk in darkness(Isaiah 9:2). This relationship is gained only through experiencing him. And experiencing him requires that you step out on faith and obey. You do what he does. You follow his heart. You may not be able to explain it to someone but you know it's true anyway. You've experienced the dishwasher... and it's a good thing.

Jesus once again addressed them: "I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."
The Pharisees objected, "All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on."
Jesus replied, "You're right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. That fulfills the conditions set down in God's Law: that you can count on the testimony of two witnesses. And that is what you have: You have my word and you have the word of the Father who sent me."
They said, "Where is this so-called Father of yours?"
Jesus said, "You're looking right at me and you don't see me. How do you expect to see the Father? If you knew me, you would at the same time know the Father."

-John 8:12-19 The Message

Caught in His Gaze

2006-09-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've shared with you that I've been having trouble with worship. Along with that, I'm having trouble with Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately, he's simply an innocent victim of my disgruntled state. So tonight I thought it odd when I thought I clicked my link to Oswald on the top of my screen, a blog of "Chris worship" popped up on my screen! It was a blog with two or three posts completely devoted to Chris Tomlin: seeing him in concert, blurry pictures of the band during the concert, introducing the new guy in the band, a narrative of everything he said and every move he made during the concert, blah, blah, blah. Frustrated, I scrolled down and read a little bit, trying to figure out how on earth this strange blog had "randomly" appeared on my grumpy computer screen! After a few minutes, I figured out that my "Oswald" link was directly above the link for "next blog" on my home page- my finger must have slipped...

So when I read Oswald, he said,

Then Jesus, looking at him (her), loved him (her) . . ." ( Mark 10:21 ). This look of Jesus will require breaking your heart away forever from allegiance to any other person or thing (gulp). Has Jesus ever looked in this way at you? This look of Jesus transforms, penetrates, and captivates. Where you are soft and pliable with God is where the Lord has looked at you. If you are hard and vindictive, insistent on having your own way, and always certain that the other person is more likely to be in the wrong than you are, then there are whole areas of your nature that have never been transformed by His gaze.

Don't you just love Oswald???

The Pursuit of Truth

2006-09-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.

For some, I wonder how difficult that must be: to engage their spirit- in anything! What does it mean to engage your spirit?

I know for me, it means being able to face myself and to recognize, if only vaguely, what I see. To reach down inside myself and be familiar with the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, the very character of myself. I believe that for many, this is a very difficult thing to do.

This morning my son showed me his blog where he discussed being able to look into another's eyes and see- truly know- who they are. And that for some, this was extremely difficult. They cannot bear to look into another's eyes, let alone to their own spirit.

I have often felt that society has encouraged me to ignore or suppress my spirit. I was to look as much like someone other than me as possible. Added to that, if I looked at what was deep inside of me- who I was, what I felt and believed- it was frightening. If others knew those thoughts, feelings or beliefs, they might disagree- they might look down on me or worse- those things deep inside of me might actually be wrong. And if I engaged my spirit in these things, I would have to deal with all that. It was easier to not look- to disengage.

Over the past year and a half, I have come to realize that we all have "wrong" deep down inside. And that if we don't face it- head on- there is no peace, no life, no joy. There is only this striving to be like everyone else (who in reality are all striving in vain as well). And because some of the things we have to face when we do face ourselves head on are so ugly, so difficult, so depressing and shameful, it's best to face them with Someone who can do something about them.

The verse doesn't say to fix all these things, to change them in our pursuit of truth. It says that our worship and adoration of God must be done while "engaged"- in touch, involving our spirit where all these things that make us who we are are lodged. We come before God in all our shame and all our glory, knowing who we are, presenting the bad, good and the ugly.

And we pursue Truth.

And when we find It, It changes us.

Moving Through an Open Door

2006-09-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

I love having new and unexpected readers! I was checking my site meter today and found a google search for "describe praise in motion". And for some reason, the searcher chose to come to my page. I doubt that they read my "Praise in Motion... Princesses?" post once they saw where they were but it still got me to thinking.

I've been having problems with praise lately. With the transition going on at church, it's been hard to feel God as a friend and praise has been difficult. I know in the depths of my soul that He is truly a friend. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I look back on this difficult time, I will be able to see how it was a good thing and that He was being the best kind of friend. Praise will be easier then. But for now, it's not.

I want that to change. I want to praise Him and feel the intimacy that I've come to know. I'm not mad at Him; I'm just hurt. And until I read a little on how God wants us to worship, I believed that that pain had to be gone before I could worship Him in "spirit and in truth".

When I looked up the verses about worshiping in spirit and in truth, I found to my delight that they are the very words of Jesus. (I've told you before that those are my favorite kinds of verses- the ones where Jesus himself is talking). He is telling the Samaratin woman at the well that the time has come that all people- even Samaratins- are able to worship God and receive salvation. But reading it in The Message helped me with my problem:

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
-John 4:23-24

My worship must engage my spirit in the pursuit of truth. My spirit is in pain. It doesn't say my spirit has to be pain free or happy before I can pursue God. I stand there, in my pain, and I search for Him- the Truth. I pursue Him. I run to His side. And when I find Him, there is comfort there.

Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
Teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord,I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give You my discontent,
I give You my restlessness,
I give You my doubt,
I give You my despair.
I give You all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.
-Celtic Daily Prayer

Now, that may not have been the kind of motion that the google searcher was looking for, but for me, that movement through that open door, into that breathtaking empty space of the path He has prepared for me, into that Truth- that movement is exciting, uplifting, encouraging.

But I still don't have a name for those praise dancers!!

Baby Gap

2006-09-24T23:14:00.003-07:00

Some of my close friends (and those of you who have read my profile) know that one of my all time favorite movies is "You've Got Mail". It's not because it's a cute, feel-good chick flick or because the plot is gripping. It's because I am Kathleen Kelly. I've never been brave. All I do is this little thing. I fell in love with my very best friend over walks and talks and letters and Starbucks. I even love daisies- I always have.

This morning I experienced yet another Kathleen moment. It's the scene when she e-mails her "oldest and dearest of friends" and tells him that she is a shop owner and that today, her shop is closing and that "next week it will probably be something depressing like a Baby Gap". I felt that this morning... something dear and precious and very personal to me is gone and it has been replaced with something quite Baby Gap-esque.

Perhaps there's some sort of safety in being homogenous- it seems to be what we strive for. When is the last time you traveled somewhere and were able to find a restaraunt at which to dine or store at which to shop that was unique, personal, intimate? It's so hard to find. I can travel to Pennsylvania and eat at an Applebee's and know before I get there what's on the menu. If I shop for a dress at Old Navy in West Virginia and they don't have my size, I can be quite certain they'll have it here in South Carolina when I get home. And if I can't afford a choice pair of shoes at Ann Taylor Loft, I can always stop by Wal-Mart and get their knock-off version for a tiny fraction of the price. We live in a world of homogeniety- where we strive to look like everyone else, sound like everyone else, be like everyone else. I can dress my baby in South Carolina in exactly the same outfit you do in California because we all shop at Baby Gap.

How unlike our Father, who made thousands of different kinds of ants, tens of thousands of different kinds of blossoms. Who thought of giraffes and platypusses and hummingbirds. A Creator who seems to revel in the brilliance of diversity and self expression.

My husband is a worship leader. Did I ever tell you that? He has been "gifted" in a way that few are to lay bare the souls of those who worship with him before an Almighty God. I treasure worshipping under his leadership. And now that has changed.
Some person will probably think it's a tribute to this religion, about how we study what people like and if we appeal to their musical style preferences or emotions we'll draw more people into the fold. I know because it's the sort of thing I'm always saying.

People are always telling me that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened...the truth is, I'm heartbroken.

-Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail

A Lesson in Intentionality

2006-09-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Numbers 15:30-36

"But the person, native or foreigner, who sins defiantly, deliberately blaspheming God, must be cut off from his people: He has despised God's word, he has violated God's command; that person must be kicked out of the community, ostracized, left alone in his wrongdoing."

Once, during those wilderness years of the People of Israel, a man was caught gathering wood on the Sabbath. The ones who caught him hauled him before Moses and Aaron and the entire congregation. They put him in custody until it became clear what to do with him. Then God spoke to Moses: "Give the man the death penalty. Yes, kill him, the whole community hurling stones at him outside the camp."

So the whole community took him outside the camp and threw stones at him, an execution commanded by God and given through Moses.

The Message

The people who sinned accidently could be forgiven by offering an "absolution offering". Absolution meaning a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties (Dictionary.com) The guy in this story obviously wasn't qualified for this type of offering. His sin was deliberate. And his story immediatly follows the instructions from God to the Israelites about how to handle deliberate sin. So he's an example. An example of how NOT to be intentional.

What is it that he did? He gathered wood on the Sabbath. He set about meeting his needs for a fire (to cook with, to stay warm) by working to gather wood on a day that he was supposed to be keeping holy- a day that he was supposed be resting and contemplating God. Instead, he contemplated his own state of affairs and realized he'd come up short and that needed fixing. He needed to fill his needs; needed to break the rules to take care of himself. Surely God isn't so mean as to say that we should go hungry and cold just because he wants us to sit still and know him. Surely he's not that self-centered. But the judgement he passed on this wood-gathering gentleman wasn't a statement about his need or lack of plannning but the crime of his heart: The intentionality.

This gentleman lived in a close knit community. He needed wood and possibly would be very hungry and very cold if he didn't have wood for a fire. He was poor, in need, and his community failed him. I'll bet you that the guy in the tent next door had wood. And if he didn't have enough wood for this gentleman's entire family, he may have one extra piece. And then the guy in the tent next to his could have given one and so on and so on until this gentleman would have had wood enough. But chances are, he never let anyone know of his need. And wouldn't he have looked silly having not planned to have enough wood to make it through the Sabbath? His sin was pride. He wasn't going to ask because then he'd look silly. He'd have to take a chance on the charity (a.k.a. LOVE) of his community.

But that's the way God wants it to be. We know each other's needs, we reach out in love. There is no pride, no heart sin, no defiance. There is community. There is forgiveness. There is love... and most of all... life.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3 (NIV)

A Breeze or a Miracle: Which Would You Choose?

2006-09-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was studying my Sunday School lesson about believing God. I've read Beth Moore's book, Believing God, so I knew exactly what she was talking about this morning since much of what she was saying was from that book. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping for fodder for a blog. Not that it wasn't inspiring, but I'd read it before and even blogged it before.

Now, I like to run- especially outside. One of the things I enjoy most about running outside is that God often speaks to me while I run. Since it's been a long time since I've been inspired to blog, I asked God if He wouldn't mind speaking to me this morning. So I hit the trails with my ears and heart wide open.

My mind seemed to wander for the longest time and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. But somewhere around 2 or 2 1/2 miles, I started praying for a breeze. I thought, "Come on, Father. I'm asking and I believe you can do this. It's just a breeze I want. A father gives good things to his children. You certainly control the wind. I know you can do this!" I believed with all my might He could, and even wanted to do this for me. Yet no breeze came.

As I struggled up a long hill, I heard Him say, "That's just the problem; you always ask for answers to your struggles in ways that the world can supply. What if you didn't finish this run with the comfort of a breeze, but in super natural strength? What if you accomplished this goal in My strength- not yours? Do you believe Me when I say that that's what I want to give you? Not just a breeze, but a super natural strength?"

That's the question... Do you believe? A breeze is such an easy answer. What He offers is so much more.

Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
Philippians 3:14 The Message

Praise In Motion....Princesses????

2006-08-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

On WorshipLeader.com, Andrew Jones discusses how worship "back in Bible days" used to be a worship of movement. He says, (and I agree), that worship has become "static"- people just sitting or standing still. People didn't praise God sitting still originally. God made us to praise Him. You can see this in the Psalms when the psalmist speaks of the majesty of God's creation praising Him. Waterfalls, birds, ocean waves, trees. And human beings.

I lead a small group of girls at our church in worship dancing. I'm not a dancer, but I can praise (I qualify, you know?- I'm a child of God!). Well, last night, at our first meeting for the new school year, we were trying to figure out a better name than what we've been bestowed (Creative Movement.... BORING!) While putting together acronyms, I muttered something about "Praise In Motion.... P.I.M". Before I could finish my thought, (which was, "hmmmmm....what could we do with that?"), one of my precious dancers came up with "Princesses!! we could be P.I.M.P. Dancers!!!"

Obviously we need a little help here. Ideas anyone?

Got Joy?

2006-08-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

Did you know that sapphires come in almost every color of the rainbow except red? And that the only reason they don't come in red is because when they are red, they are called rubies? And that the most valuable ones are a pinky-orange called padparadscha? Sapphires should be very clear. The depth of their color is not as important as their clarity. When the sapphire is clear, it can reflect the light better- there are no "inclusions" to muck up the glow. Then, with a fine sapphire, when it's cut just right, the light shines through it and bounces around and sparkles - like joy.

I say "like joy" because I've watched my middle son play with sparkly "treasures" since he was old enough to notice them. They enthrall him; he can't leave them alone. One Christmas I even bought him a prism with a solar powered motor that hangs in a window. When the sun hits it, it turns, bouncing its refracted lightbeams all over the kitchen. I don't know who enjoys it more, me or him, but joy is certainly a good word to describe it. Things like prisms and sapphires bring me great joy!

Joy is something that Christ promises us if we follow him. John 15 and 16 speak repeatedly of a joy that we will receive. A joy that no one will take from us. Jesus wishes us to be filled with joy. But is joy a word you can use - be honest now- to describe your life? I know that for years, it wasn't the first word I'd use... let me see... in fact, joy was somewhere pretty far down on the list. And joy that no one could rob from me? As Princess Mia would say, "SHUT UP!"

Well, I'm reading a book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. In it, he's discussing the living, active nature of God's word. He says,

The Rabbis spoke of the text being like a gem with seventy faces, and each time you turn the gem, the light refracts differently, giving you a reflection you haven't seen before. And so we turn the text again and again because we keep seeing things we missed the time before.

I like the way he describes it.
I imagine turning the Word around in my hand, holding it up to the Light and seeing it all over again.
I imagine that no one can predict exactly how the Light will pierce it this time and exactly what the result will be.
I imagine reaching out to touch it but being touched by it instead;
changed;
filled with joy;
permanent joy.

I like knowing that God's word isn't some stale piece of paper that cannot move in and out of time with His people. I like knowing that when I read about David, I can see myself- whether it's in standing in faith against a giant or holding my head and crying out to a God I don't understand. How did God know that I would need stories of failure and redemption like Adam and Eve, and Abraham, and Moses, and David? Like Peter, and Paul? How did He know that thousands and thousands of years later, these stories would still inspire, guide, and instruct? Maybe a better question is why did He bother? Bother to make sure we had the stories?
Maybe He did it because He loves us.
Maybe because He's alive, and cares.
Maybe because all He wants for us is joy. That His joy would be complete in us and ours in Him. (John 15:10-12)

So don't believe for a minute that drudging through your day is all there is. Don't believe it's a freak of nature that sapphires make your heart sing. Don't believe for a minute that the Word is stale, or boring, or a history book, or that Sunday morning sermons and big new buildings are all there is to Christianity. Go out on a limb with me and read the Word with open eyes and let the Light refract it in a whole new way.

And be filled with joy.

Oh, and ask me about my sapphires sometime!

Shipwrecks, School Supplies, and Cobwebs

2006-08-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm alone in my house for the first time in months. Everyone in the family has returned to school and I am left here to ponder some of the meanest, thickest cobwebs I've ever seen! It's very quiet but there's an undercurrent of concern and even anxiety. My eldest started high school today. He admitted he's a bit nervous. It's a really big (REALLY BIG) school and there are REALLY BIG kids that go there. My middle one worked his tail off this summer in summer school so he could earn a spot in a coveted art course and came to find out yesterday that the class meets at the same time as band so, although he earned his spot, he can't take it. Summer school took a lot of energy and he didn't finish his summer reading and summer math assignments until this morning! Add to that, he's at a new school as well! The youngest is at the top of the heap in elementary school this year but has a brand new teacher. She's worried about things like people liking her and student government and how one accomplishes the task of being well liked without being "a Mean Girl". Rod is dealing with all kinds of new things at work and a rush to get ready. It's all a lot to be anxious about and if I worry, I can see how it might all go down like a ship in a storm!

A shipwreck in a storm was the topic of my reading this morning in the peace and quiet of my kitchen. Acts 27 describes Paul's terrible shipwreck as he traveled to Rome for an audience with Caesar. While shipwrecked on Malta, Paul survived a poisonous snake bite so he could heal the sick (which I'm sure drew the natives to God during the three months he stayed with them). While in Rome, he spent two years welcoming everyone who came to visit, explaining everything about Jesus Christ and urgently presenting all matters of the kingdom of God (Acts 28). True to form, Paul was totally about God's business which was precisely why God saw to it that he was spared when the ship went down.

As we were discussing all the school issues the other day, I reminded the kids that if their only desire in school was to be popular or well liked, they would be miserable. School is their Malta- their Rome. Paul wasn't necessarily popular or well liked, but he did have friends, was safe, and content. And friends, safety, and contentment are huge when you're facing poisonous snakes, mighty rulers, and confused, hurting people.

Now to face those cobwebs...

Firm Footing on Mountain Paths

2006-08-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's been a long time. July has come and gone and not without a little sweat and tears. But I'm not complaining. I've been dealing with some extremely difficult issues at work. And today, as I read my passage in Streams in the Desert, I was comforted and encouraged by what seemed to be written just for me.

The scripture reference was Isaiah 49:11, "I will turn all my mountains into roads." These are the words of God. If you read the entire chapter, God is telling us that he is compassionate and that he will use all the difficulties we face- all the mountains- as roads- as paths to a place he has created for us. A place that is by the choicest streams. A place where we are free and safe and comforted and loved. Who wouldn't want to go there? And God's purpose in all of this? To form us and use us to reconnect the people with him (Isaiah 49:9) So in this passage where God is talking about making paths out of mountains, he's talking to believers.

He's not saying he's going to make everything peachy. He's saying he's going to mold us and make us into someone he can use. The wise thing to do would be to work with him on the project. To stop fighting the mountain and to trust his compassion and walk the path he has placed before us. And we don't even have to walk the path blindly, wondering what on earth he might have up his sleeve. In 2 Peter, he's quite clear on what it is he's desiring to create in each of us:

-Basic faith
-Good character
-Spiritual understanding
-Alert discipline
-Passionate patience
-Reverent wonder
-Warm friendliness
-Generous love

This is the child he can use to "reconnect the people" to himself. I need not ask God to remove these difficulties in my life. What I need to do is to see how they help create these qualities in me- to encourage my growth- so that as I walk that mountain path it will be a paved road- my feet on firm footing- and I might draw others to Him and our joy will be complete.

The BE-attitude

2006-06-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

I've always liked the thought of hanging on every word of Jesus. As a little one in Sunday School class, I would imagine myself dressed like the people on the flannel-graph board, sitting at Jesus' feet, eating the bread (skipping the icky fish) that was passed around the crowd and being forever changed by hearing the actual words come out of his phyiscal, actual, human mouth. My heart would skip a bit in my daydream when his eyes would actually fall on mine and I would know that he saw me. That's why the beatitudes in Matthew 5 have always been one of my favorite passages. Yet, I hate to admit it, I was never exactly certain what Jesus was saying.

The Beatitudes always seemed a bit abstract to me. "Pure in heart", "hunger and thirst after righteousness", "poor in spirit", what did these mean? As I've aged (and hopefully become more wise) I've developed some ideas about what these abstract terms mean. But nothing has helped more than reading about them in The Message. So I wondered if everyone had read them there. I think you should so I put a link here.

They are a list of ways of being. To be. That is the task. Be- a verb meaning, To exist in actuality; have life or reality. (Dictionary.com) The first person singular being "am". As in God's name. We are made in God's image. Creatures that are, just as God is. We are called to be like Him. We are called to BE. To live in each moment. To exist in actuality- not some fantasy world. And actuality can be messy and painful. Yet Christ promises blessings if we approach that actuality with the right way of being- the right attitude.

So when we come to that painful end of our rope, Christ says we will find blessing if our "be-attitude" is right. We will find less of us and more of the God who loves us. When we feel abandoned, we will find there is nothing left to embrace but the God who loves us most. When we find contentment in who we are and what we've been given, we are blessed by knowing there is nothing that can make us happier than the God who provides. When we're starving for God, we will find that He fills us with satisfaction as no one else can. When we stop worrying about ourselves and find ourselves caring for his creation, we find we are cared for by the very Creator Himself. When we see ourselves rightly, knowing our sin intimately and are truly repentant, we find God everywhere we look.

So I still like the beatitudes. I like them more than ever. Test them for yourself. See if they are as true for you as they are for me. Taste them, meditate on them, incorporate them. Maybe you'll get a whole new "be-attitude"!

I have more insight than all my teachers,
for I meditate on your statutes.
I have more understanding than the elders,
for I obey your precepts.
I have kept my feet from every evil path
so that I might obey your word.
I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.
How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!
I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path.
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.
-Psalm 119:99-105 NIV

Learning from the Heat

2006-06-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

When we moved to the South about 18 years ago, I was overwhelmed by the stifling, summer heat. It seemed to take more effort just to breathe! I've grown accustomed to the heat now and it doesn't seem to bother me much anymore. But I was reminded of that first summer here today while sitting in my car, waiting for one of the kids.

It was high noon and I was beginning to get a little uncomfortable while I waited with my window rolled down. I found myself sitting extremely still, clicked over into a slow motion way of being- a total body quietness. I guess this is a learned behavior in response to the rising temperature. It somehow helps me stay cool. I began to realize that this is a behavior you seem to see a lot in warmer climates. Think of siestas in Mexico and "Island Time" in the Caribbean. Everything in the South just seems to move at a slower pace and it seems that the closer you get to the equator, the slower things move! (No wonder sloths are tropical animals!)"How interesting," I thought, "that it takes that physical pressure from the heat to make us all slow down, quiet ourselves."

Several months ago I blogged in response to a pod-cast I heard about "quieting" your soul. It's a skill that we all need to learn. As Oswald would say, it's not something God will do for us- we must do it for ourselves. The heat of summer bearing down on me caused me to sit still. Being sensitive to my environment helped me to respond in a way that helped me conserve energy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it takes a physical property like heat or turmoil or discomfort or pain to cause us to respond with quietness. As I embrace the discomfort I can find the power to be still.

Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10

Me? A Windbag?!?!

2006-06-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever heard Jeremiah 29:11, I thought it was the greatest verse I'd ever heard. And after that, I began to hear it everywhere, for everything. You can find it on plaques and bracelets, cards and t-shirts:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Feeling it was perhaps just a little too good to be true, I became suspicious and decided to read it in context. And like Inigo in The Princess Bride, I began to say, "I don't think those words mean what you think they mean". These weren't words spoken from God to me; they were words given to the exiled children of Israel to give them hope that God was really working, really aware of their situation while they were in captivity in Babylon. Since I'm not Jewish and certainly not in captivity in Babylon, these were simply nice words, a handy feel-good-cliche. They weren't a real promise of God for me. They were used in so many contexts and with such flipancy that they just seemed empty. It became one of those verses that I simply blew off when I heard it.

I've been exploring Jeremiah again recently and I find it isn't exactly a fun read. It's just a little repetitive: all the woes to Israel for disobeying God. But one verse, right near the beginning caught my attention:

They've spread lies about God. They've said, "There's nothing to him. Nothing bad will happen to us, neither famine nor war will come our way." The prophets are all windbags. They speak nothing but nonsence. Jer. 5:12-13 The Message

It made me think- when is the last time you heard anyone say that God is someone to be feared? That he's someone who will deal with sin and disobedience? Sure, church goers may hear it from the pulpit but for everyone else- all the non-believers- when do you hear someone telling them that God is a God who must be feared? They don't go to church. They don't hear the preacher from the pulpit. They work with us, live next door to us, cut our hair, and administrate our companies. And we are the ones they "hear" from.

We are their preachers and what we preach is tolerance.
We preach, "your thing is ok with me as long as you don't tell me I can't do my thing."
"Let me go to church on Sundays in peace. I won't judge you, you don't judge me."
"Let's all live side by side in blissful disobedience!"
We preach lies about God- that there's nothing to Him. Because if He is who we say we believe He is, then there is something to him and our disobedience and ignorance of Him must be and will be dealt with. And ignoring Him won't make Him go away. The Israelites tried it- read Jeremiah to see where it landed them!

Almost the entire book of Jeremiah deals with how Israel will be punished for ignoring her God. And the harshest discipline is saved for the "windbag prophets" who have allowed her to go astray. Funny, but I believe that we, as a nation, are not so very different than the Israelites. And unfortunately, I believe I may know and may even be one of those "windbag prophets"!

As a nation, we have turned from serving God to serving economics. Our lives revolve around our jobs, careers, spending, and making money. Our families suffer, our health suffers, and in turn, we have less time to spend in pursuit of God. In effect, we, like Israel, have chosen to serve a foreign god and God in turn has placed us in exile where we must continue to serve the foreigners who worship that foreign god. (Jeremiah 5:18-19)

God told the Israelites to not give up hope though. They were to continue living. They were to marry, have children, work and be productive. And they were to pray for the Babylonians (see Jeremiah 29). He had a plan for them. A plan for them to prosper. He wasn't going to ignore them in their captivity. He was going to come and rescue them. They were to remember this, find hope in this knowledge. He was a God to be dealt with and He was a God with a plan.

So maybe I can take some hope from the overused cliche of Jeremiah 29:11. But first I have to realize that my "preaching" speaks loudly to my neighbors. God is a God who must be dealt with. There's a lot more to him than feel-good cliches. When I turn my back on the foreign gods in my life and seek Him with all my heart, He promises to be found. When I get serious about finding Him and want it more than anything else, He'll make sure I'm not disappointed (Jeremiah 29:12-14). And He'll do the same for the our neighbors and captors- if we'll only let them know the Truth.

Faith That Makes a Difference

2006-06-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

So how important, exactly, is faith?

I've heard all the stories and cliches. Faith is when you trust someone or something enough that you can take action without worrying- you know- the "having faith in a chair" story. John says that faith is the conquoring power that brings the world to its knees. The person who wins out over the the world's ways is simply the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God (1 John 5:4-5)

I know Jesus. I don't have any doubt about that. I feel him move in my life. I hear his voice. He is more to me than my conscience speaking or a warm fuzzy feeling. What I'm learning, however, is what this might mean for my life and the way I live it. According to John, it's not my faith that Jesus is trustworthy, or that he was raised from the dead that makes a difference. It's my faith that he is the Son of the Living God.

Having faith that Jesus is the Son of God means understanding that this is the same, One and Only, who caused, with the power of his words, creation to come into existance. This is the same Son of God who, with that same power, caused himself to come back to life after being killed. This, according to Paul, is the great power that is at work in me if I have Jesus in my life (Romans 8:9-11)

All too often I limit the Power of Jesus in me to the power of suggestion. "Do that thing over the other thing" or "Speak to that person in such and such a way". When is the last time I allowed that power to be the power that spoke the world in existence or raised someone from the dead? And what would it look like if I did allow the power to perform in my life that way?

According to John, I would have the power to bring the world to its knees (I John 5:4-5). And according to Paul, I would have the power to live a life that is free from the defeat of this world and the death that comes with it (Romans 8:1-17). And according to Jesus, I would be able to move mountains (Matthew 17:20)

Before any of this is possible though, I must first know intimately this Son of God who lives in me. I cannot know his abilities without knowing him well. I will pray Paul's prayer for myself as well as for you:

That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe

(Ephesians 1:17-19)

Fodder for Songs

2006-06-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I told you the other day that I had read all the way through my Oswald. It has given me so much fodder for blogging. What on earth would I do without my Oswald to inspire my blogs? Well, never fear! The same best friend that honored me with my Oswald, blessed me with another devotional classic on June 4th: Streams in the Desert. And lo and behold, more fodder! But this one was just said so perfectly that I don't think I have much to add. So here it is for you:

The strength of a ship is only fully demonstrated when it faces a hurricane, and the power of the gospel can only be fully exhibited when a Christian is subjected to some firey trial. We must understand that for God to give "songs in the night," He must first make it night.
-Nathaniel William Taylor

So for all who may be experiencing some "night" and for all that have and will experience it, may God, your Creator, bless you with songs. (Job 35:10)

Of Hearing and Belonging

2006-06-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own

These are the words of Jesus. And it's embarrassing but true that so often, I read the words of Jesus and never hear them. I must not be alone. It must be why he so often said, "He who has ears, let him hear." But when I read these words today, they struck a new chord. It was Jesus proving a point to me... I do not belong to the world. And he wants that to be obvious to me.

So who, exactly, belongs to the world? And how does the world love it's own? According to Jesus, those who do not believe in him belong to the world and those who belong to the world are "slaves to sin" (See John 8:23-24 and John 8:34). So that's how the world cares for its own- it sells them into slavery, robs them of their freedom. The world hates Jesus because he makes it clear to all that what it is doing is evil (John 7:7).

When I love someone that is my own, I take good care of them. I love my children. Tonight, I fed them good food. I gently dealt with worn out exhaustion, embarrassing problems and even a bad dream with them. I played frisbee in the park and watched them chase birds and dance. I listened to them. I told them, "I love you" and hugged each one. I love my husband. Today I kept in contact with him while he's away. I spent time with him. I gave him a gift and I shared my heart with him. I've thought of him, dwelt on him, daydreamed about him. These people that belong to me swell my heart with love. They occupied my time and efforts. They are mine and they are a precious priorty to me. And as far as I know, I did nothing remotely like selling them into slavery.

On the other hand, I know how the world "loves" us. It tells us we are unlovable; it tells us that we must be slim, beautiful, rich, influential to be worthy of love. It tells us that it's ok to do anything and everything that might bring us these qualities. We can starve ourselves or abuse drugs or our bodies to make them slim. We can color our hair, have plastic surgery or despise ourselves. We can steal, lie, cheat, or suffer to gain our position in life or wealth or power. These are the characteristics of an abusive relationship. The world is an abusive "lover". And it's a relationship we must sever completely.

Jesus cares for us in a completely different way. He provides light so that we might see clearly and not stumble (John 8:12) He provides us with bread that is life abundant and living water that causes us to never thirst again (John 6:31-35). He lays down his life for us so that we can live in eternal knowledge of God the Father. He takes us from that life in prison to sin and sets us free. He is the truth and the truth will set us free (John 14:6 and John 8:32).

The Jews that Jesus was talking to that day couldn't understand at all what he was saying. They argued with him about their legitimacy as children of Abraham and their status as slaves. He told them that they didn't understand him because they belonged to Satan, the prince of this world. Those who hear him and understand what he says belong to God (John 8:47)

So thanks, Jesus, for being patient. Thanks for repeating things over and over like, "Let him who has ears, hear". Thanks for continuing to reveal to me the obviousness of how I do not belong to this world. It is obvious that the world does not care for me. It is You, Lord, that cares for me. You and those who you placed in my life to love me. I'm glad I hear you- it's more proof that I belong to you.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:18-19 (New International Version)

What a Friend

2006-06-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Exactly one year ago tomorrow, my sweet husband and best friend in the whole world gave me my Oswald Journal. I was going through a very difficult time in my life and it was wearing thin on all of us. I needed to renew my relationship with God and I needed something that would shed a new light on ancient words that had ceased to live for me. I had been taught procedures for having a relationship with Christ; things like, "Let Go and Let God" and "What Would Jesus Do?" I was instructed in behaviors that would hopefully lead me to a closer walk with my Creator and The Lover of my soul. But for a lifetime I had tried these behaviors, hoping all the while that no one would notice that I was only acting.

Don't get me wrong. I believed whole heartedly in God. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is holy and creator of everything. I knew I was a "sinner" and that that meant I was unacceptable to him. I knew that he made a way for me to be acceptable to him by sending Jesus, God Incarnate, to die on the cross for my sins. I knew all this. But somehow it didn't have an incredibly huge effect on my life. He was still distant and incomprehensible. He was still the God of Angel Armies- something I had no context for. And His love was something that escaped me all together.

Today's installment (my final one) in Oswald is about friendship; the kind of friendship we dream of; the kind we hope we'll have with someone someday; the kind that many of us have given up on ever experiencing. It's a kind of friendship that is so intimate that the friends think each other's thoughts, feel each other's emotions. It's not a friendship that brings grocery store flowers to cheer you up on a day that everyone knows is difficult for you; it's the kind of friendship that brings you daisies, or daffodils, or irises, or wisteria on daisy or daffodil or iris or wisteria kinds of days. It's the kind of friendship that even knows when it's a dandilion day. It's when one friend knows the other so intimately that great feats of blessing hold no candle to the tiny, secret joys.

It's this tiny, secret joy friendship that we can have with God. We spend our lives pursuing the great big blessings, the prayers of Jabez- and yes, God is capable of providing those. But when that's all we look for, we miss out on the beautiful gifts he has for us in intimacy; the special gifts he can give when he knows us well. And likewise, we miss out on giving back to him the secret desires of his heart; the things we could only know by being intimate with him.

Now this is eternal life: that they may know You... John 17:3

A Wedding

2006-06-03T04:08:00.000-07:00

Today my husband will be officiating his very first-ever wedding. I am so happy for him! So many people say that my husband reminds them of Jesus. (A friend once even told me she wondered if being married to him was like being married to Jesus!) It's because of his good heart and his quiet, loving, wisdom. He glows when he worships and total strangers can (and have) spilled their entire life stories of woes to him on first meeting! But this whole wedding thing is something special.

One of my favorite pictures of Jesus is his first recorded miracle at the wedding in Cana (John 2:1-11). I have always pictured Jesus as quite happy, jovial, even playful at the wedding. What a delight to have him bless a wedding by supplying "divine" wine! My husband won't be doing any miracles today at the wedding and certainly won't be conjuring up any heavenly wine but I do believe he will bless this union in a very special way.

Just one more way he's like Jesus.

And to the bride and groom: May your love be as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. May it burn like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Let it be so strong that many waters will not be able to quentch it, many rivers unable to wash it away.

Blessings on you all!

Ain't None of it Small Stuff

2006-06-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Something that Oswald said the other day makes me wonder if I have some kind of "God complex". He was discussing the importance of trusting entirely in God, completely, to the point that even if common sense tells you it's crazy, that you should still follow God, not common sense. His entreaty to us was that "when God brings you to the venture, see that you take it."

I want to always "trust God in the venture" but I find that so often, I don't see God bringing me to any venture. I go in through a day and out. There is laundry and bills, jobs and transporting kids. There is house to clean and boo boos to tend to. But venture? According to Dictionary.com a venture is

1. An undertaking that is dangerous, daring, or of uncertain outcome.
2. A business enterprise involving some risk in expectation of gain.
3. Something, such as money or cargo, at hazard in a risky enterprise.

At first glance, I assume that I missed the boat to "venture". I'm still here on the shore of "everyday".

Several years ago I remember seeing a book called, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... And It's All Small Stuff. I remember thinking that that was a fairly good philosophy to de-stress your life, albeit, overly simplistic. But now I've come to realize that it's not overly simplistic; it's downright wrong! I'm not saying we need to sweat everything, worry about it, lose sleep over stuff. That's wrong too. What's wrong is to assume it's all small stuff. My "God complex" allows me to think that it's the "small stuff" I can handle...without God. But now I'm starting to see that in reality, there is no small stuff. No small stuff...all venture.

God placed me in a life that is a dangerous undertaking of uncertain outcome. There is risk involved. There is the risk that if I attempt to make it through mending boo boos, paying bills, doing laundry and loving people separated from God, that I will mess it up. When I rely on my own common sense and my own strength to accomplish life, I will eventually become stressed out, depressed, and hopeless that I can do anything worthwhile.

In Psalm 73, the psalmist declares that when he tried to live life focused on material issues, separated from God and his strength, his heart was grieved and spirit embittered. I've felt that way when I've put on my God complex and attempted to get through the venture of life in my own strength and common sense. Like the psalmist, I was like a brute beast before God; ignorant, struggling stupidly against forces I had no understanding of. Like a silly monkey who can't figure out how to get the nut out of the jar when his hand is in a fist. But the psalmist goes on to remind me that God doesn't leave me to my stupid common sense. He stays right beside me, holding my right hand (my dominate one...the one that gets me into the most trouble) and provides me with his strength and counsel. My heart and flesh will fail but God is my strength and portion forever.

As for me, it's good to be near to God; to stay near him in the venture of life. The venture becomes less risky when it's his counsel that guides me instead of my own common sense. And when I realize that it's all venture and no "small stuff", it's a whole lot easier to drop the "God complex" and latch on to the Real Thing.

Enough Chicken (almost!)

2006-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been silent here for way too long but I hope you're not disappointed with today's post!

Most of the time I prefer to be identified as a Southerner, despite the fact that I was born in New England and raised by West Virginians in Pennsylvania! I have lived almost my entire adult life in the South and find that I identify with the warmth and friendliness of Southerners. But I have recently had to come to grips with something that Yankees understand better than Southerners.... Covered Dish Dinners!

I have warm (and satisfying)childhood memories of covered dish dinners. The long cafeteria style tables would be set up with paper table cloths and the casserole dishes were crammed practically on top of each other. No one ever had to tell anyone what to bring. You weren't assigned "a meat dish" if your name started with L-P or a "veggie dish" if you were blond. You were never told how many dishes to prepare or that your meat had to be of a certain variety. Home preparations were similar to Christmas or Easter (but not quite as extravagant as Thanksgiving). This wasn't a time for quickie foods or boring foods. It was time to show off your cooking skills, your great grandmother's secret recipe and your finesse at pulling it all off and still having it hot when you arrived. The men stood in line with plates as big as serving trays and the women teased them that they'd have to walk home (which in my small town was no big deal!) My Mom always told my Dad that he was embarrassing her by how much he ate but we all really knew she was flattered that he took her meatloaf first and "saved room" for her cake. There was always enough food to go back for seconds and the highest compliment was to go home with empty dishes or a request for your recipe.

Last night we attended our eldest son's track "banquet" in which we were instructed to bring "chicken for four and tea" because he's an 8th grader. Knowing that that's not really how it's done, I made chicken salad for 12 and brought a loaf of good bread to go with our gallon and a half of tea. I was surprised (but I don't know why since this has happened to me here in the South before) to see box after box of Bojangle's chicken sitting on the table. There were a few dishes of veggies but by the time we got through the line it wasn't clear what they were by the juice left in the bowls. I saw a biscuit on one guy's plate and a piece of cake on another kid's plate but that's the only evidence we had that anything other than store bought fried chicken and tea were served.

So Southerners may have the corner on the hospitality market when in their own homes but there's a thing or two they could learn from Yankees about feeding a crowd. At least I went home with an empty bowl!

Convictions Can Kill

2006-04-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading Believing God by Beth Moore. My husband recently found some interesting reviews of the book on a blog called Slice of Laodicea. Now, I am not new to this site. Late in the evening hours, as we sit around our table, the thoughts and convictions expressed on this site provide ample fuel for discussion. But usually I allow my husband to filter what he has read there and to express his concerns. When they started discussing Beth, however, I decided to read what they had to say for myself. And I cried.

I didn't cry for Beth. Beth is a big girl with a heart as big as Texas itself. Her life is zeroed in on God and her love for Him spills over onto all with which she comes in contact. I didn't cry for her. I cried for the people who were writing on the site.

As they expressed their convictions about prayer, scripture reading and versions of God's word, I was impressed with the cloud of death that hung over them. There was no life abundant that Jesus promises in John 10:10. They were "waiting for God in the next life". They were "annoyed" by their brothers and sisters in Christ. They were wallowing in death....abundant death.

Oswald pointed out, just yesterday, that had Abraham clung to his convictions (as adamantly as these people cling to theirs) he would have killed Isaac. The only thing that saved Isaac from a brutal death was Abraham's ability to be completely and totally zeroed in on God. Focused totally on God and God's nature, Abraham was able to hear the angel tell him to "Stop!"

In Matthew 15, Jesus has a discussion with the Pharisees regarding the keeping of tradition. It was tradition (and a fairly wise one) to wash your hands before you eat. The Pharisees expressed concern that the disciples didn't always do this. And when they asked Jesus about it, He asked them why they could pick and choose which traditions they would adhere to. "Why hold only to the hand washing one? Why do you ignore the one to honor your father and mother?" Who are we to pick and choose what traditions or rules we will honor and which we will ignore?

As I read the responses on the SOL site, my heart broke at the venom that was vomited all over my sister in Christ. Jesus explains in Matthew 15:10-20 that our lives are defiled not by the things we take in (Beth's study on Believing God, reading the NIV or, heaven forbid, the Message!) but by what we spew out. What comes out of our mouth comes from our heart and if it is vomit, putrid and foul, then the source (the heart) is putrid and foul as well. And according to Psalm 18:25-26, if our hearts are corrupt- putrid- foul- bad, we cannot figure God out- He makes no sense to us. And we cling to empty traditions and exist in a life void of Life.

Pause a moment with me and pray for those trapped in convictions that kill. Allow blessing from a heart that is pure lift prayers of praise to a God that cares that they are blind leading the blind into a ditch. Pray that their eyes be opened, and if you have a chance, offer a hand to pull someone from the ditch and point them to a God who is bigger than tradition and more merciful than we could ever imagine.

Yoked to Jesus

2006-04-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Matthew 11:29 (KJV)

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

According to Wikipedia, a yoke is

a shaped wooden crosspiece bound to the necks of a pair of oxen, occasionally horses. It is held on the animal's neck by a usually U-shaped oxbow that also transmits force from the animal's shoulders. A swivel beneath the centre of the yoke, between the animals, attaches the pole of the vehicle (when the animals steer the vehicle) or chains that are used to drag the load.

Source: Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia © 2001-2006

When Jesus said these words, he wasn't talking about some sort of yoke that you would wear alone like a leash or a tether. He meant that two would wear it. And guess who that other one would be? How else will we learn of him? (That's why I like the King James Version of this verse. It says we will learn of him or "about him". NIV says we will learn "from" him). As I attempt to bear the load and find out exactly how difficult it is, he is there beside me, pulling the weight. It is only by working side by side with him, towards the same goal, that I will learn of his strength, his dependability, his power, his ability to perform the task...and my inability to do it on my own.

It's good to yoke up with Jesus. There is peace and rest for my soul when I work in union with him and understand that he never meant for me to go it alone. What he meant was for me to go it yoked to him.

Never Fish Alone (and other tenets on motherhood)

2006-04-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

Several events lately have caused me to ponder the heaviness of the task of motherhood, one of which is an impending Mother's Day! So it seems, that almost anything I come in contact with might have something to do with being a mother. And April 13th's installment of Oswald was no exception.

Oswald is talking about how when we are placed under a heavy burden or task by God, it is His desire that we "roll it back" onto Him. Now, kudos to the perfect mother, the woman who can mother without God's help, the woman to whom mothering is easy or natural. If you are that woman, just skip this blog...it is not for you! But for those of us who are sometimes overwhelmed at the gravity of the role there's something important God wants us to know.

God knows that the responsibility of caring for and educating our children, for raising them whole and undamaged by our own "stuff", is a daunting and difficult (if not impossible) task. Sometimes I wonder if there is a woman on earth who hasn't mortally screwed up her children! If I truly believe that I can do this on my own, I become totally overwhelmed and quite depressed. It's much more than I can handle- more responsibility than I feel equipped to bear. Like Hagar, the mother of Ishmael, I want to sit by and sob at the hopelessness of it all. (See Genesis 21:8-21)

That's why it is so imperative that I "roll it back" onto God. He gave them to me. He chose me for them and them for me. Therefore it is essential that I trust Him to help me raise them. So I must understand what it means to "fall back on God."

In Psalm 55, the psalmist is overwhelmed by fear. All he can see is enemies, storms and strife. (Perhaps, if he had been writing it from a mom's perspective, all he could see were bullies who pick on her kids, perfect tennis moms who have perfect children in perfectly clean SUVs, and piles upon piles of dirty laundry). He has the overwhelming sense that there is no way on earth he can make it through this time...so much so that he calls out for the perfect tennis moms to catch rotavirus from their perfect children from throwing up all over the perfectly clean SUV. (Wait a minute...that's not what is says! Anyway...close enough.) But he realizes that God is a God of answered prayer. God is a faithful and strong God. God is a God that asks to be involved in our difficulties. God is a God who creates wells in the middle of the desert. God's companionship through this task makes it do-able. And until we realize that- that this is the only way we're going to make it through- the task will continue to be overwhelmingly daunting.

Therefore, falling back on God means casting our burdens on Him. When one casts in fishing, one doesn't let go of the pole. One simply tosses the "meat" of the matter into the water...and waits...and watches. We stay tuned in. And God takes the burden and He does what He will with it. We stay attached to Him- in tune with him- in step- holding on, communing and praying, conversing and praising, trusting Him for the strength to go on. And He carries us on the current of His Holy Spirit, His strength. And suddenly, with His companionship, we come to realize that the yoke is easy...and the burden is light.

So for this Mother's Day (and all the days that aren't) my prayer for myself (and even a few perfect tennis moms that I know) is for us all to fall back on God. May we each understand the importance of not going it alone. May we each find our wells in the desert and a hedge of protection... especially from rotavirus!

Packed and Ready

2006-04-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was asked to be prepared with an answer for something. Since this was a subject with which I was extremely intimate, I thought it would be fairly easy. But then I was told that my explanation needed to be in just a few sentences. I had to verbally repeat my answer several times before I felt like it was close to what I wanted. It was very difficult; my story kept changing. Sometimes the explanation got too long and I felt frustrated that I couldn't get it all organized and concise. Sometimes I wasn't quite sure whether certain points were imperative to the explanation or merely interesting tidbits. Eventually, after several tries (and a lot of "uhm-ming" and back-tracking), I said something with which I was fairly satisfied. So later last night, I wrote it down.

What I wrote was the concise explanation. It said everything I needed it to say. Then underneath, I entered bullet points under headings. Here's where I put all those "interesting tidbits" that I kept wanting to put in the concise answer. The whole picture was like a that of a suitcase. The brevity of the answer made it easy to carry, like a suitcase- ready to take with me. But inside, if I chose to open it, were nice neat compartments, filled with a clutter of little details that I could access if need be. All of this made it much easier to express this information to someone else, should the need arise.

After reading Oswald this morning, I realized that this is a responsible task for us as followers of Jesus as well. When someone asks me about my relationship with him, the source of my joy or perseverance, I need to be ready with an answer. Then is not the time to be fumbling around in the interesting tidbits, searching out the imperative points. I need to be aware of God's moving in my life, where the interesting tidbits become life-changing impacts. I need to have my suitcase packed and ready to go, just like Peter said:

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
I Peter 3:15, NIV

So I think I have some more packing to do today.

Think Before You Worship

2006-04-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

I was reading a news leaflet from a friend of ours today in which he made a comment that grabbed me. The comment was

Most persons in the U.S. are silently and unconsciously worshipping the idol of self-autonomy, consumption and technological progress. This quiet religion may be the singlemost difficult challenge for the Gospel--mainly because nearly all of us who are attempting to bear the news of the Gospel are also either unaware of our allegiances oursleves, or simply overwhelmed and underpowered.

"Wow!" I thought. How I've known this and even said it before (however not quite so elegantly!) I began to wonder what this worship of self-autonomy, consumption, and technological progress looks like. First, I needed to make sure I understood what was meant by "worship".

Harold Best, author of Unceasing Worship, defines worship as, "the continuous outpouring of all that I am, all that I do and all that I can ever become in light of a chosen or choosing god." (2003, p.18)

Princeton University defines it as:

worship
n 1: the activity of worshipping 2: a feeling of profound love and admiration [syn: adoration] v 1: to love unquestioningly and uncritically or to excess; venerate as an idol; "Many teenagers idolized the Beatles" [syn: idolize, idolise, hero-worship, revere] 2: show devotion to (a deity); "Many Hindus worship Shiva" 3: attend religious services; "They worship in the traditional manner"

Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

I found the verb definition the easiest to relate to: To love unquestioningly and uncritically or to excess.

I believe that we should question and be critical of something before we decide to love it to excess- before we pour out all that we are, all that we will ever become into it. But the only way we could truly worship self autonomy, consumption and technological progress would be if we did so "unquestioningly" and "uncritically". For surely, if we really thought about these things, we would see, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how easily they let us down. How truly unworthy they are of our worship. We worship without thinking. And that is dangerous and unwise.

Ponder what you worship- what you pour yourself into. My devotion often is first to myself. I will even consume -shop, eat, sleep, workout, ________ (you fill in the blank) to make my self feel better. And I know how reliable self is and exactly how worthy of my devotion. So why do I do it? I do it because I don't think. I don't ponder how many times self, or things, or progress have let me down. How about the time I swore I wouldn't do "whatever" again...yet did it anyway. Or the time I bought or ate or slept to make myself feel better...and it didn't. Or the time I depended on a medical cure, a technological advance, to come through for me... and it didn't.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:25-26

There is only One that will never let me down. Only One that will satisfy to the core, time after time after time. There is only One that when we really think about it, when we question, when we evaluate, that comes up worthy of worship. One and One alone. So pour yourself out today- pour like the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume. Pour yourself out on Jesus, who poured himself out for you. Love Him extravagantly. Love Him in a way that might even make people talk, or to stop and stare, or to reprimand you. Love him with abandon. It's what you were made for.

From Real to Permanent

2006-04-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it--saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16:31-33 The Message

Jesus prepared his disciples for his departure by telling them that they were going to face dark times which he had, in fact, conquered. "I'm leaving; but don't worry, even though things look dark, I've gone on before you and defeated them." In his providence, he could have prevented their difficult times but he chose not too. Instead, he wanted their faith to grow from "real" to "permanent".

"So, you finally believe?" he asked. Good!- their faith was real. "But you are about to abandon me- scatter all over. Some belief!" Yes, at that moment, their belief- their faith- was real. But what Jesus desired was that it be permanent. That when hard times come, they wouldn't scatter but would stand strong, trusting him.

Recently I have been faced with the dark emptiness of my own life. I see the empty life that has turned it's back on God's blessings and trusted only in what it could see and feel.(And believe me, in the darkness, I couldn't see or feel very much!) These are the dark times Jesus was warning of: the times when we all look at our lives and see empty self-sufficiency or skeleton-like religion. We haven't felt God's love, we've refused to believe he is in control or worthy of praise in this dark situation. We have convinced ourselves that he has abandoned us...yet it is us who have abandoned him. Somehow when we face that darkness, we assume he is not in it. That we have been abandoned to face it alone. How very untrue this is. Jesus says we will have dark times. He's not going to prevent them. But he has gone ahead, into those dark times, and overcome them. All he asks of us is to exercise our faith and walk into those dark times with a song on our lips and a prayer in our heart, trusting him to provide. Praising him that what he desires is for our faith to grow from real to permanent.

Bread and Fish for All

2006-03-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

There's something about spring that causes life to get a little bit too hectic. I'm always amazed by my calendar each spring- there's so much written on it. Kids' big end-of-year school trips, concerts, track meets, recitals. And then for some reason, there's all these other things, like doctor's appointments and such that I've completely forgotten about! I don't even have time to go to the gym! I get so busy that I easily fall away from my time alone with God.

This morning, I sat down to read my Oswald and looked back in my journal mourning that for the first time since I've had it, there were pages and pages over the past 2 weeks that were empty. I decided I'd try to read some of the days I'd missed and went back to the first day, March 9th. How "Oswald" of him... it was about falling away and chosing to leave Jesus' side.

When Jesus' teachings got too hard, many of his disciples (according to the end of John, chapter 6) decided they would no longer follow Jesus. Jesus asked his handpicked twelve, "Are you leaving too?" There is such wisdom in Peter's answer. "Who would we go to? You alone have the words of life".

My problem is that I never take the time to hear Jesus ask if I'm leaving. I never consider who else I'd turn to. I know that when I turn to myself or family or friends or schedules to follow, I am purposeless and unhappy. There is no abundant life in that. I know He asks. I'm just not always listening. And I know that if I took the time to answer, my answer would be the same as Peter's. So the lesson today is to always ask yourself, to whom would you go, Allison? Who else has bread and fish for all?

Prior Experience Required

2006-03-24T11:16:00.000-08:00

ex·pe·ri·ence Pronunciation Key (k-spîr-ns)
n 1. The apprehension of an object, thought, or emotion through the senses or mind: a child's first experience of snow.
2.a. Active participation in events or activities, leading to the accumulation of knowledge or skill: a lesson taught by experience; a carpenter with experience in roof repair.
b. The knowledge or skill so derived.
Dictionary.com

I have been contemplating the power of "experience" lately. How interesting that it would come up in such a powerful way this past Tuesday. On that evening I attended a creative movement and worship class held by the members of The Ballet Magnificat. During this event, the teacher stated that in order for us to be creative, we must deal with our experiences. As we moved around the room, we were called to express, through "creative" motion, emotions, questions, our names. But this was very difficult for the members of the class who were very young (our ages ranged from six or seven to... well... older!) At one point, the teacher pointed me out and said that he detected great facial expression from me, probably due to my "years" granting me more "experiences".

My musings on experience were triggered by ponderings on how we are to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God loves us. Love is abstract, not tangible, not provable. Yet, I believe that God wants us to KNOW that we are loved. I did not experience walking physically beside Jesus as John did to know that I am beloved. I did not experience watching him die on the cross so that I might know that this is the greatest love, that a friend lay down his life for his friends. But experience is how I come to KNOW something. According to Dictionary.com, it is how I apprehend, take hold, understand a concept. I "experience" it through my mind or senses. So I am left to ponder how I know his love through what I do experience.

God gave me five senses. This time of year, they are overwhelmed by his creation- He is the ultimate in "creativity". He gave me eyes to see the beauty around me. Ears to hear the birds, the laughter of children, the sweet words of friends. Taste to experience apples, chocolate and kisses. Smell to experience flowers, fresh cut grass and the fresh cleanness after the rain. Touch to feel the softness of my son's pet rabbit, the strength of my husband's muscles, the warmth and power of the sun. I believe He gave us these five senses so that we could experience Him through his expression of himself- his creation.

I cannot experience with my five senses, the glorious physical presence of God. No one can. God knows this. He has always made his presence known to people in ways they could experience with their senses. Moses saw the flames, perhaps felt the heat from the burning bush. He heard God's voice with his ears. Elijah experienced God through hearing and touch in the gentle whisper of a breeze. These are the ways God has provided for us to experience Him because His physical presence is more than we can bear in our sinful state. Isaiah knew this when he said,"Woe is me...for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty!" (Isaiah 6:5)

Do you ever think that creation went just a little overboard sometimes? I mean, look at the ridiculousness of some of it (giraffes, platypusses); the vastness (stars we can't see, planets too far away to be appreciated); the grandiosity (the Grand Canyon, Niagra Falls); the diversity (tropical fish, hundreds of different species of ants!) Was this all necessary? Wouldn't we all be just fine with just one species of ant? (preferrably not fire ants!) I beleive this is His way of telling us how important it is that we know Him and experience his love for us. It's how excited He is to express to us that He loves us. We can look at Him and tell Him it wasn't necessary, He "shouldn't have", but we know, deep down, that we appreciate it- that it makes us feel loved, desired, wanted.

So I have a few years on my counterparts in a dance class. Good for me. All the more to experience the love of my God!

Thought for the Day

2006-03-14T08:13:00.000-08:00

Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24

Have a good day!

A Beautiful Evening

2006-03-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to witness Ms. Mariclaire's swan song. Mariclaire is Molly's ballet teacher and the prima ballerina for the Columbia City Ballet. She danced the lead in Giselle, which, according to The State was her first ever solo recital piece. How appropriate to start and end on the same ballet. She was absolutely beautiful. The whole ballet was beautiful. My date was beautiful. My daughter was beautiful. The whole evening was beautiful. I guess I just wish everyone could have experienced all the beautifulness!

A Friend in God

2006-03-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes (ok, more often than sometimes) I believe, in the depths of my soul, to the very marrow of my being, that I am an unlovable person. This morning as I was pondering this and wondering why I feel this way, I wondered how I might, perhaps, change my way of thinking. This would probably be a good thing to change.

People, I can understand not loving me. They are people. People have to be taught how to love and still it seems hard for some. We give love conditionally and that makes it not safe. God, however, must be different. His very nature, according to John, is love: (1 John 4:8). I understood this growing up as a child. I knew God is love. But God loved cities and nations. He loved the Israelites. Jesus loved Jerusalem. He so loved the world. Somewhere in there, I missed the individual people part. Yes, I sang "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so" but there was something in my little one heart that didn't really believe it. So I decided to look in the Bible and see where it tells me so.

Although 1 John seemed like a good place to start, I wanted to start closer to the beginning. Proverbs 17:17 tells me that a friend loves at all times. So a true friend is what I need. In Psalm 34:15, I am told that God keeps an eye on his friends, that his ears pick up at every moan and groan of his friends. In Psalm 37:28 I am assured that God never turns from His friends. So if I could have a friend who loved at all times, God would be a good one; I would be listened to, watched over and never left alone. This would be exactly where I would want to be. But does God still have human friends? I know, He used to.

Jehosphat called Abraham God's friend in 2 Chronicles 20:7 and I can believe this is true when reading God's covenant blessing on Abram:

I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you (Genesis 12:2-3)

Yes, these sound like the words of a true friend. God has another friend in the Old Testement. He says it with His own mouth so I definitely believe it is true. He says, "have you noticed my friend, Job?" (Job 2:3 the Message). Job recognizes that God is his friend in Job 29:4 when he says that God's friendship blessed his house. Ok. So people can be God's friend- you don't have to be a whole nation or a world to be loved by God.

But somehow I have problems putting myself in the same category as people as wonderful and well known as Job and Abraham! Lord, help my unbelief! So on to the new testament. Jesus had friends. We know he hand picked 12 very good friends. He loved his friends. It says so in John 11:5 "Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus". So you didn't have to be one of the disciples for him to love you. And it wasn't based on their behavior either. Jesus even loved people who had a hard time doing what He asked. In Mark 10:20-22, Jesus loved the man who couldn't sell all he had and follow him. So Jesus can love people, even when their behavior doesn't demonstrate that He is first in their lives! Job had a wise young friend named Elihu who reminded Job that God is not dependent on our behavior. Our behavior does not change who God is or his affections (Job 35:7-8). Could this mean that God could still love us, despite our unlovableness?

I want to be God's friend. I want to be certain of His love for me. Jesus said in John 15:13 that "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends". I don't believe that Jesus laid down his life for only Peter, John, Andrew and the rest of the 12. Even if you add in Martha, Mary and Lazarus, I think he died for more. He says in John 15:15 "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." I have His word. I know His business. I am called His friend. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." (John 15:9).

To be Jesus' intimate friend. The thought stirs my soul and quickens my heart. Something inside of me knows this is true. God is my friend. And a friend loves at all times. And there is no greater love demonstrated than when a friend dies for His friend...and that's just what my friend did...He died for me...(and Peter, and Andrew, and John, Lazarus, Martha, Mary....and you).

1 John 4:10
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins

Finding a Purpose for Squirrels

2006-03-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

Last night's post was my lesson on how to put a picture on my blog. I took those pictures out my kitchen window, where I so often sit for my time alone with God. There really isn't any deep meaning or purpose behind them; the silly squirrel just caught my attention (and distracted me) so I took his picture. If I thought long and hard enough about it, I might be able to 'invent' some deep spiritual meaning but this morning it just feels like too much of an effort!

Last night, Rod & I were talking about serving God and being "missional God-followers". I told him that I believe that most Christians are NOT "missional God-followers". We get saved, many times at a young age, and decide that praying and living a good life are what it's all about. This is our sacrifice...how we've chosen to live. You live your way; I'll live mine. And hence, we begin to have no more intimate feelings for God than a sentimentality for the church (the building or institution or maybe- if we're lucky- even the people in our Sunday School class). Serving God goes, at most, as far as babysitting in the 2 year old Sunday School or leading a small group of believers in Bible study. There are missional Christians...but they are not us. They are the ones we highlight in our Missions Conference every spring. Surely God understands this; doesn't He? I mean, He's ok with it, right?

Well, as per norm, Oswald had something to say about this this morning. He says,

It's easier to serve God without vision, easier to work for God without a call, because then you are not bothered by what God requires; common sense is your guide, veneered over by Christian sentiment.

In other words, we "everyday, working Christians" come by this attitude quite naturally- it's the easy way.

But what would happen if we became sensitive to what God requires? Paul was sensitive to what God requires and he became a fanatic! He talked about sacrificing our bodies as "living sacrifices" and equated all he had ever had or done as nothing but "mere rags". But beyond Paul, the ultimate example is Jesus Himself. He was sensitive to what God required and he came, poured himself out for us, was tortured and accomplished the impossible. Now that's a calling! No wonder we take the easy road!

I refuse to be daunted by this. I believe enough in the power of my God to know that He will supply me with all I would need to serve Him the way He would require. A very wise friend of mine once said that we should all be in a position at all times where we have one person spiritually stronger than us, mentoring us, speaking into our lives, challenging us and another person with whom we are doing the same- we are mentoring them, challenging them, praying for and with them. How blessed I am that I have people "above" me speaking into my life. And although there may be people on the flip side, into whose lives I speak, it is not intentionally missional. It's done haphazardly, subconsciously, "accidently".

I don't believe that God wants us to serve Him "by accident". I believe He wants us to know exactly what His call on our lives is and for us to respond in kind. Unlike my squirrel pictures, I believe He wants us to be intentional, to serve with purpose. We don't inspire people to give their lives to Christ by being pretty pictures on the shelf. We weren't saved to be trophies. We were saved to serve.

To Blog of Squirrels

2006-03-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

This evening I will blog about squirrels.

And btw: Happy Birthday, Abby!

Taking a Leap

2006-03-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

Luke 18:31-42

Jesus and his best friends are on the road to Jerusalem. There, every awful thing that has been prophesied about the death of the Messiah will come to pass. Jesus warns the disciples clearly- no metaphors, no parables, no vagueness. And they just don't get it. They have no idea what on earth he's talking about. In Luke 18:31-42, the story of the disciples' confusion stops. You assume that maybe they discussed it among themselves and pretty much just let it drop. "Oh well, you know Him- never makes any sense. Certainly this is not something we can understand."

But another story goes on: A blind man hears the commotion of Jesus passing by and asks, rather loudly, rather obnoxiously, what is going on. He cries out to Jesus to have mercy on him. The people around him are annoyed at the disturbance he is creating and ask him to be quiet. He persists in his calling out and it draws Jesus to him, where he gets to ask Jesus directly- face to face- to heal him and give him sight. He asks for the impossible. He takes a leap of faith and believes that Jesus can heal him. And he is given sight- immediately.

How often am I like the disciples, convinced that this is an area too great to be dealt with or understood? That it would be useless to involve God in the hopelessness of understanding this situation or seeing a way through? How often do I fail to ask? If only the disciples would have asked, like the blind man, for sight, Jesus surely would have pursued this troublesome topic with them. Perhaps then they would have been better prepared for the road that lay before them. But they didn't ask. And they weren't given sight.

How much more often I need to be like the blind man. To stand and make noise, create a disturbance before God until he quiets me with sight. How much more do I need to take wild leaps of faith to believe that Christ can- and will- accomplish the impossible in me...if only I ask and believe.

Bird Names

2006-02-27T22:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen a Rufus Sided Towhee? Isn't that a great name? Rufus Sided Towhee. I just like saying it! And it's a really cool looking bird- one of my favorites. There are other cool birds with names that describe them: Black Capped Chickadees, Ruby Crested Kinglets, Red Whiskered Bulbuls (I'm not joking!). But my favorite bird of all isn't named for what he looks like; he's named for where he lives: the Eastern Bluebird.

If I were a bird, they'd have to call me something horrible like the Brown Haired Forty Something. I think I'd rather be known by where I abide.

Is God in the Way?

2006-02-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

I like reading my Bible and my Oswald. I like blogging and being alone with God. It's what I'm doing right this very minute. "Ouch!", then, when I read Oswald this morning! Sentences like, "Many of us are after our own ends, and Jesus Christ cannot help Himself to our lives. If we are abandoned to Jesus, we have no ends of our own to serve." And, "We are apt to be devoted, not to Jesus Christ, but to the things which emancipate us spiritually."

So here I am, in my pajamas,after my own ends (relaxing, taking a day off- You know, I have to take care of myself...be in charge of refreshing myself for the week to come!) But I'm of no earthly use to Jesus at all. I'm busy reading all about Him; I'm talking about Him; I'm thinking about Him. These things "emancipate me spiritually" But I'm doing nothing for or with Him!

Often, God will use a verse in Oswald to get me to read or hear something else He has for me. He did this when I turned to Romans 9:3 to read about Paul's desire to be "cut off for his brethren". As I read on, God drove home the point I had just taken to heart only moments before:

How can we sum this up? All those people who didn't seem interested in what God was doing actually embraced what God was doing as he straightened out their lives. And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing, missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. They were so absorbed in their "God projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. And so they stumbled into him and went sprawling. Isaiah (again!) gives us the metaphor for pulling this together:

Careful! I've put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion,
a stone you can't get around.
But the stone is me! If you're looking for me,
you'll find me on the way, not in the way.

Romans 9:30-33 The Message

Sorry...I've gotta run!

Red Rover, Red Rover

2006-02-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

Remember the game Red Rover, Red Rover? I loved playing that game- the long lines, everyone on the playground included- working together, laughing together for the same cause. I loved it when they called me over. But I hated it if I failed to break the line and successfully take someone back with me to my team. Who got called over? Who got picked and brought back? If you called over the wimps and they broke through, they got to steal your strongest and fastest. If you called over a wimp and she failed to break through, she might become your weakest link. Too much thinking....just call over your friend.

I thought about that today reading Oswald. (I know, my mind is good at rabbit trails!) Oswald mentioned that Paul's realization of how Jesus had dealt with him was the secret of his determination to serve others. In other words, Paul, knowing that he had been the worst of the worst, found great passion and determination to love Jesus and serve others when he realized how hard it must have been for Jesus to die for him- considering all he had done to hurt Jesus.

Sometimes I don't think it would have been too hard for Jesus to die for me; I mean, come on, I never ordered the murder of any of his beloved followers. I actually love Him! I'm a good guy! But then I think of what He might have seen when He looked at all my 'goodness'. He might have looked at Paul and said, "Wow! I've got to stop this guy immediately! Look at the damage he's doing! I've got to die for him and get him on my side! And then look at the passion with which he'll serve me!" But looking in on my life, what did he see? "Hmmm...I need to die for her...wrapped up in herself, her time, her life. She might once in a while speak to someone else about me. She might love her family...I don't see a whole of fruit or passion there." Not exactly strong impetus for giving up your life for someone.

Of all the people on our team that it was hard for Jesus to die for, I very well may have been the hardest. It's hard to get all worked up over luke warmness. Understanding just how hard it might have been for Jesus to die for me makes me, like Paul, determined to serve. I don't think the other side would ever pick Paul to come over- somehow you just know he'd break through. He's more like the kind that gets stolen and brought back when someone else breaks through. I'm one of those little wimpy ones- the one Satan thinks isn't much to worry about. He could call me over and I wouldn't do much damage. But just give me a chance. Understanding just how hard it was for Jesus to die for me empowers me with a passion that just might surprise you. I want to be the one called over. And I definitely don't want to be the wimpy weakest link. I want to run the distance and break through. I want to take the hand of someone on the other side and lead him back to our team.

Pouring Perfume

2006-02-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

I can't take any credit for today's post. I don't know if this was a personal revelation to the dear friend who shared this with me or if she heard it from someone else. Either way, it was a huge blessing to me and so I pass it on to you.

I was reminded of this bit of encouragement when Oswald referenced Mark 14:6 today. Mark 14 tells of a woman of Bethany who broke open a bottle of extremely expensive perfume and with it annointed Jesus' head. This perfume was valued highly and she was ridiculed openly for "wasting" this valuable resource.
"Why, this could have been sold and the money used to help the poor!"
"Look how many people could have been helped if only this resource would have been used wisely!"
"Why waste this valuable resource on one person? Why not use it for the benefit of all?"
The retribution could have gone on and on. But Jesus stops it:

"Leave her alone," He said. "She has just done something wonderfully significant and beautiful for me."

I wonder if she ever (even if briefly) questioned her own behavior after hearing the reactions of the others in the room? Did she feel guilty? Judged? Stupid? Wasteful? Did she worry whether or not she'd made the right choice? If so, she must have felt an enormous amount of relief when she heard Jesus' response. "She has done something of value for me." In her total abandon to Jesus, she performed a valuable service. It wasn't her goal to perform a valuable service; it was her goal to love Jesus with abandon.

I have things of high value in my life. I have an expensive (in more ways than one) education; I have my health, my time, my energy, my money. What or who do I pour these resources out on? How do I spend them? Do I spread them around for the general good? Do I hoard them for myself? Do I perform important works with them that make me feel special? Or do I pour them out in reckless abandon on the head of Jesus?

I could stop here and let you ponder how this might apply to you but I'm not going to. I'm going to share with you just a little about how it applies to my friend. A lot of women have expensive educations (my friend is one of them) and some of those women choose to pour this resource out, not for the good of many, or the poor, but on their families. Some wonder if they're making the right choice. Some of us know we're making the right choice but still have problems when we hear the ridicule or questioning of good intentioned friends. My friend says that we are like this woman of Bethany, who poured the expensive perfume on Jesus. The world will always be there, the poor, the sick, the hungry. We have but this one fleeting moment with our children- this one opportunity to influence them for Jesus. And I know that it is going to just fly by- like the time Jesus' friends had with Him. But as I pour my perfume out on my three children, and she pours her perfume out on her three children, together, we have drawn six children closer to the Father. And they'll tell six friends, and they'll tell six more friends, and six more, and six more....

Hope is Where Your Heart is

2006-02-17T14:37:00.000-08:00

My husband calls it "praying in Jesus' name"; Beth Moore calls it praying God's "A" list; Oswald calls it being united or identified with Christ; Jesus calls it "Thy will be done". What it is, is knowing- believing- placing my life on the line- that God is active- busy doing things- has a purpose and an agenda for this moment- for this day- for this trial- for this life. And that no matter what I think needs to happen, no matter my concerns or desires- I can trust that God knows best. That if I identify myself totally with Him, align myself to His list, His name, His will- that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).

My desires are transformed into His desires. And He will always accomplish what He desires. Therefore my hope is secure. I can have hope because I know that things are going to go His (and therefore, my) way! When my hope is in Him, I will have renewed strength; I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary; I will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 41:30-31). His path is easy- not wearisome. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I know this is nothing new- nothing you haven't heard before. Sometimes I just need to remind myself. Like Peter says,

Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.
1 Peter 1:4 The Message

Anam Cara and Valentines

2006-02-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

I have an anam cara! What better Valentine than that?

Anam cara is Celtic for "soul friend". A soul friend is one who is sensitive to the soul of another. It's a deep friendship that takes in the essence of who you are; sees that part of you that isn't visible yet makes you uniquely you.

Perhaps it is essential that everyone have an anam cara for I wonder how well we can actually ever know ourselves. We are so very complex and our minds are sometimes so very simple. We can only see our physical selves in photographs; mirrors show us reversed images and therefore cannot be counted as accurate. We can't see our souls at all causing people to debate what they are and even if they exist. To some, the soul is interchangeable with the mind; to others the soul is interchangeable with the personality or the spirit. I don't know what I believe about the soul- I don't think it's the mind but I know it exists because sometimes it hurts. I think that soul pain is probably the most painful type of pain- deeper than physical pain or mental anguish.

And so then, how necessary to have an anam cara- one who can "see" my soul for me. And with that ability comes great responsibility. If I can see someone's soul- the very thing that defines who they are- and they are unable to see it, I have the responsibility to reveal it back to them- to show them the rough places, to help them polish, to guide them as they learn about it. And this, according to Celtic tradition, is the responsibility of an anam cara; to see my soul, communicate with it, reveal it back to me, hold me accountable for making it the best possible.

Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone who only wants what's best for me. Someone who will hold me accountable when I don't measure up- when I miss the mark. And when I fail miserably they sense my contrition and hold me, love me... forgive me.

So you want an anam cara, you say?

I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you! John 14:16-17 (The Message)

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hold Fast

2006-02-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

There's a website that I've grown to like a lot: Biblegateway.com. I love my Bible, don't get me wrong, but there's a lot to appreciate about a website that can look up just one word in the Bible and help you find the verse. You don't even have to have the word right- as long as you have the general topic!

Tonight I looked up the exact phrase, "love the Lord your God" and found 13 references. The first 10 references were in the Old Testement and the last 3 were the words of Jesus in the synoptic gospels. Once upon a time (not so very long ago) I errantly thought that this was the first of the 10 Commandments; it's not. In fact, it's not one of the 10 Commandments at all. It is a plea by Moses to the people of Israel after he gives them the 10 Commandments; a plea to love God by obeying His commands; that these commands are to be inscribed on our hearts and impressed upon our children; that our obedience to them will demonstrate our love for Him.

In several of the verses, we are also instructed to simultaneously "hold fast" to God. That intrigued me. Hold fast? Why? Is God trying to go somewhere? to get away from us? No, God is not going anywhere. In fact, we are reminded repeatedly in scripture that He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:5,Psalm 94:14, Hebrews 13:5,Matthew 28:20b). Then why the need to "hold fast"?

We hold fast because life is trying desperately to rip Him from our grasp. Satan is waiting to devour us, stalking us like a hungry lion, waiting for us to let go just long enough for him to strike (1 Peter 5:8). Notice it doesn't say that God is having any trouble holding on to us; only that we will have to strive to hold on to Him. Praise God that Jesus promises that His grip is good (John 10:28-29)!

I teach my students that in order to soothe a squirming, 1/2 awake infant back into sleep to accomplish a thorough assessment, they should hold the baby's hand. Holding hands is very soothing and will settle the infant back into a quiet rest that allows easier assessment. For some reason, they're always surprised when this works so well! But we are all innately "holders". I was a blanket holder, just like Linus. Some of the stuffed animals that I see in my job are further proof that we like to "hold on" for security. People hold on to material things, hold on to relationships, hold onto memories, and old hurts. But it only makes sense that the more we're holding on to, the harder it is to get that "fast" grip on God.

I know that the most important command is to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37) but I've missed this instruction to "hold fast". I'm sorry that I've so often neglected this part of the plea to love God. It's time I take a long, hard look at exactly what I'm holding so tightly in my hands. I believe I need to empty my hands, let go of some things, so that I can hold on just a little tighter to God.

Resting in the Quiet

2006-02-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

Come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker. For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. Psalm 95:6-7

This is how church started for me, week after week, year after year, as a little girl. We had a beautiful stained glass window of Jesus carrying a lamb. I knew I was that lamb (or at least the one walking by his side). The liturgy said so, "we are his sheep". How interesting for me when I actually found this verse in the Bible! I had no idea as I child that what I read from the front of my hymnal every week was actually scripture. But there was more to it...more that we didn't read every week in church.

The "more" goes on to say that "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the desert...I was angry with that generation; ...They are a people whose hearts go astray and they have not known my ways. So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest'" (FYI: at Meribah and Massah, the Israelites complained to Moses of being thirsty and questioned if God was even with them in this trip. See Exodus 17)

Why didn't we read that part? Why weren't we schooled in the importance to not turn a deaf ear on the Lord? And what was that about rest? Never enter His rest?!? Well that just doesn't settle well with me at all!

I like rest. And God says that if I am to enter His rest, I must not turn a deaf ear to Him; I must come to know His ways. And if I am to hear Him, it is preferential that I be quiet (Habakkuk 2:20, Zephaniah 1:7); be still (Psalm 46:10); and wait on Him (Psalm 37:7). To avoid his anger (that would prevent me from resting) I am to seek a quiet and disciplined life (Zephaniah 2:3). God likes quiet so much, He uses it as an illustration for Himself; in 1 Kings 19:12, Elijah didn't find God in any of the powerful noisy things, but only in the quiet, "gentle whisper". There is great power in quiet and God knows it. Perhaps my favorite illustration is in Isaiah 18:4 when God says that He, himself, will be quiet "like shimmering heat in the sunshine".

Jesus liked being quiet and repeatedly told people to do things quietly. In Matthew 5 Jesus retreated to a quiet place and told people (in chapter 6) to do good things for others "quietly" and to find a "quiet" place to pray. The leper he healed in chapter 8 was told to go and show himself "quietly" to the priests. When we are quiet, we please God for "a gentle and quiet spirit...is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4)

I want to learn to quiet my soul like the Psalmist in 131. To sit quietly, like Mary, at the feet of Jesus and to bask in the quiet and powerful warmth radiating from Him. And as I sit at His feet, the results, He says, will be "peace...quietness and confidence forever. (I) will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes,(and) in undistrubed places of rest" (Is. 32:17-18). Now that's a promise I can rest in!

Prove It!

2006-02-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at the gym, I got to watch part of the movie Bruce Almighty. Now before you make any judgement calls, know that I didn't see the whole thing and that I certainly am not endorsing the movie per se! But there was something amusing in it that caused me to catch myself saying, "Ha! How true!"

Bruce is screaming mad at God, declaring to his girlfriend Grace (how ironic is that?) that God has forgotten him. Then, when he storms out of the house, he demands signs from God. Over and over God gives Bruce signs. Unfortunately (for him) they are subtle and he just doesn't get it. There is a simple road sign declaring "Caution Ahead" and then a truck passes by with tons of signs such as "Wrong Way" and "Dead End". We're on the outside looking in. We giggle at the subtle "obviousness" of God. Finally, Bruce crashes his car into a light pole. There he screams out his frustration with God and demands that God smite him and put him out of his misery. Interestingly enough, God hears and decides to get personally involved!

I have never felt comfortable demanding signs from God. I always thought it disrespectful and a sign of poor faith. But deep in my heart, I've always wanted to do it. "Show me, God. Prove to me that you're there. That you haven't removed yourself from mankind. Show me that you know who I am; what I'm going through; where I'm struggling to live out this puny life. Just give me a sign! (And please, if you don't mind...make it obvious!)" There is one character (and I mean that in the truest sense of the word) in the Bible that somehow gets away with it though- Gideon.

Gideon is hiding, threshing wheat in a winepress. I don't know much about wheat threshing or winepresses but somehow I don't get the feeling that he was working in the most ideal of conditions. He's angry at God and when approached by God's angel, he lets him know, in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't have one iota of faith that God is involved in His people's lives. Yet it is Gideon that God has chosen to lead His people into victory over Midian.

Gideon is weak in faith. And despite multiple obvious signs from God, it appears it never really gets much better. In Judges 7:9-12 God tells Gideon,

"Get up and go down to the camp. I've given it to you. If you have any doubts about going down, go down with Purah your armor bearer; when you hear what they're saying, you'll be bold and confident." He and his armor bearer Purah went down near the place where sentries were posted.

Do you see it? God knew that Gideon was going to have trouble believing Him. And Gideon was true to form...he took Purah with him, down to hear the Midianites themselves say that God was going to hand them over to Gideon. He had to hear it from human beings rather than believe God, Himself!

Why does God have so much patience with Gideon? Why does He go to great lengths to give Gideon whatever he needs to cause him to believe? Would He ever have that much patience with me? Could I demand a wet blanket on a dry ground or to have my gift burnt to a crisp by the single touch of a visitor?

I find it interesting that Gideon is listed in the Hebrews 11 Faith Hall of Fame- someone who required such obvious proof; who had no problem asking God to "prove it". God even gave him proof the last time before he asked for it, knowing him well enough to know that His word just wasn't going to be enough.

God had something huge planned for Gideon. He desired to use Gideon, weak faith and all, to lead His people to victory. Because Gideon's faith was so weak, God's signs had to be obvious. God will do what needs to be done to accomplish His purpose. So maybe God doesn't have me picked out to be a mighty warrior leading people into battle for Him. But He does know me and He knows how much proof I need to believe Him. So maybe sometimes my faith is weak. Maybe sometimes I wish I had just a little more proof of what God is up to. But I can rest assured that He is faithful and willing to show me what I need to be shown to believe. He did it for Gideon. I believe He'll do it for me!

Open Eyes

2006-02-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

Luke 24:13-32

I've always loved the story of the road to Emmaus. I've pictured it in my head, longing to be one of the two people who walked with the "disguised" Jesus. How wonderful it must have been to have your eyes opened the way they did concerning the prophecies regarding Jesus and then to have them opened again at the dinner table! "Whoa! I knew there was something special about that guy!"

Today, Oswald talked about satisfying lust and how it leads to dejection, depression and oppression. He's not talking about lust the way we have come to think of it but lust as the desire that whatever it is that we want, we must have it NOW. It becomes overwhelmingly consuming in our life. And when we lust after something, that overwhelming consumption removes God from the throne and usurps his place.

I have lusted after things in this manner: a new job, a new house, peace in a relationship. I have allowed myself to be consumed with receiving the answer to my prayers. I have unwittingly been just like the travelers on the road to Emmaus who were so insistant on getting their answer to prayer- their redeemer for Israel- that they completely missed the fact that He was walking side by side with them!!! Like those travelers, I have been so worried about what did or didn't happen on the third day that I have missed the point of the crisis: an opportunity to find Him, right by my side.

Oh, Lord, may it be that my eyes will be open at the start of the journey and that my prayers will find me right where I need to be: in fellowship with you rather than searching frantically for my answer.

Wondering

2006-02-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

On Friday morning a man and a boy left on a journey. Today when they return, they will not be a man and a boy but two men. I wonder how a mother reacts to that?

An Invitation to Freethinkers Everywhere

2006-02-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

I was asked yesterday by a Freethinker if I had studied the Koran or the Bhagavad-Gita and I must admit that I haven't. And I'm eager to ask you, Freethinker, where you would recommend that I start? Assuming you've studied them, I'd like to know what your favorite parts are and where you would suggest I start reading? (Please, I'm serious! I am not being sarcastic!) I would love to know what it is that holds people to other religions. I know What (Who) holds me to mine!

I vistited your blog site and was surprised to see that you are "unencumbered by religion". I too, am unencumbered by religion. What some might call my religion, is in fact, a relationship. So I guess if relationships are "encumbering" then I am encumbered in way too many! My marriage, my children, my friends, my family, but first and foremost, my God. Unfortunately, I don't believe you, Freethinker, when you say you are unencumbered by religion!! Your blogroll would suggest that you are quite encumbered in being "unencumbered"!!! It appears that you are very busy in your efforts to avoid God!

Come again, Freethinker; come often. I would love to have you visit and perhaps learn that a relationship with a God who loves you, who would die for you, is anything but encumbering! It is life saving, life giving, it is life itself! You, my friend, are welcome anytime for that is what it means to be part of the body of Christ; to be welcomed with open arms to a place where you might meet Someone who can really make sense out of this life!

But we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
1 Corinthians 1:23-25

Marriage Workshop: Day 2

2006-01-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

When I read the Bible, I will frequently gloss over odd names and places, figuring that the significance would be obscure to me. But recently, while reading in Amos, my curiosity was piqued when I saw a reference to Bethel, Beersheeba, and Gilgal. "Hmmm. I know what happened in Bethel; I wonder about those other two places." So I looked them up.

Bethel was the place Abram built an altar and worshipped God when He promised to make Abram's decendants too many to count. Beersheeba was where Abram's son, Isaac, built an altar and worshipped God when He promised Isaac that He would be faithful to His promise to Abram (Abraham). Gilgal is where Joshua built an altar of 12 stones from the Jordan river when God caused the water to stop flowing so that the Israelites could cross over into Canaan on dry ground. These places are icons in the Israelites' history- places they would go to remember the great faithfulness of their God and to worship Him.

The passage in Amos was chapter 5 verses 4-6: Seek me and live; do not seek Bethel, do not go to Gilgal, do not journey to Beersheba. For Gilgal will surely go into exile and Bethel will be reduced to nothing. Seek the Lord and live.

Because I know that other passages in Amos are dealing with empty acts of worship that anger and repulse our God (Amos 5:21-27), I know that here, He's saying, in effect, that traveling to our "holy places of worship" for the mere sake of doing so, without truly seeking His face, an intimate relationship with him, is worthless. There is no power in empty acts; the power to live is found only in seeking God and a relationship with Him!

"So what does this have to do with marriage," you say? Well, in my The Politically Incorrect Wife book, they encourage wives to act how they want to feel and reassure them that eventually the feelings will follow- a behavior referred to in 12 step programs as "Fake it 'Til You Make it", I'm told. I understand that this philosphy has worked wonders for some people and I guess that's fine. It's just that I believe that this kind of empty behavior can anger a spouse just as it angers God. I want to caution wives that if you follow this line of thinking that your heart has to really be in it- it depends completely on your motive. If the acts have to be done without the feeling, it has to be because you desperately want the feelings! If the behaviors or empty actions are performed out of a belief that "all he (or He) needs is my action here (i.e.: an escort to the door in the morning, a welcome home kiss, obligatory participation in sex, OR attendence at church, cursory "and bless so-and-so" intercession, mouthing the words to a Vineyard song while wondering where the lady in front of me got her sweater...) then the behaviors are detrimental and will lead only to death. God says "seek me and live". Seek is an action verb. Take action with a goal in mind. Search high and low. Pursue. That's what God wants.... and I believe that's what your spouse wants.

That's just what I'm thinking, but I could be wrong.

Marriage Workshop

2006-01-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book for a bible study at church called The Politically Incorrect Wife. It's encouraging me to realize my true "job description" as a wife and trying to help wives fix marriages fraught with selfishness.

I think it's fairly safe to say that God looks at our relationship with him much like a marriage. In his word he refers to his people as his bride, his beloved, and his adulterous wife. I have often looked at my relationship with him and wondered if it looked enough like a marriage to please him. I sure love him a lot- I ought to be pretty safe, right?

But something Oswald said the other day caused me to look at it from another angle; "Am I kind to God or am I only expecting him to be kind to me?"

Kind to God?!? What on earth does that look like? Only expecting him to be kind to me?!? Yikes! This is sounding a little too much like an earthly marriage- the kind of earthly marriage that someone needs to write a book about how to fix!

I must admit that my own marriage as well as my relationship with God have been plagued with self-centeredness. I have frequently put him last because I know he's faithful, loving, forgiving, loves me, and will "understand". I've frequently expected him to automatically understand everything about me simply because of who he is and then to act accordingly (without me ever uttering a word!) I've expected him to give and give and give because he wants to (because he loves me) and honestly expect just my left-overs in return. He's to supply all my physical and emotional needs because I understand that it's him that completes me.

Which him am I referring to? It doesn't much matter- I seem to treat them the same! How broken hearted I am to see that my earthly marriage and my relationship to God are way too similar in their shortcomings and not similar enough in their virtues! Paul reminds me that if I act on this sorrow, it will lead to repentance which leads to salvation with no regrets (2 Corinthians 7:10).

I am in a season of life in which I have taken a fresh concern for my marriage. I am beginning to understand (and attempt to correct)the ill effects of years and years of self-centered behavior. Could it be that as God reveals to me the failings in my marriage relationship, He has really been trying to get me to see the failings in my relationship with Him? I believe that He has shown me this parallel to draw me back to him in a fresh, exciting way. In a way that makes my heart skip a beat, that thrills me, that makes me think only of Him and of ways I might please Him. It is good to belong to Him.

I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert...Come back, wandering children!...I, yes, I am your true husband. I'll pick you out one by one...and bring you to Zion!
Jeremiah 2:2 & 3:14

Enough Already!

2006-01-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Matthew 6:34

Not usually a big fan of the KJV, even though I like Shakespeare. But today, no one else said it better. Other versions talk about "trouble" and "hardship"- each day having enough of it's own. But some days, it's not just "trouble" or "hardship"- some days it's EVIL and if I even begin to think about how much tomorrow might hold, I get pretty defeated!

But instead I focus on Christ as the victor. Wearing my entire suit of armor, I stand firm in my faith (Isaiah 7:9) believing that He can and will accomplish all He says He will and can do (Isaiah 55:11), first and foremost being that He will defeat Satan (Revelation 20:10). Trusting Him, knowing that if I do, I will see His glory (John 11:40). My God is faithful. He can be trusted to save me and my loved ones for His own glory. Praise Him!

For You, O Lord, are the Most High over all the earth; You are exalted far above all gods. Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for He guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked!
Psalm 97:9-10

Knock Knock...

2006-01-18T14:30:00.000-08:00

Since I've been under the weather, I've had a little more time than usual to ponder Oswald. He's been talking about hearing "the Call of God" like Jack London heard The Call of the Wild. I find this thought intriguing.

I have a friend who clearly hears the "call of the sea" because she lived much of her life on an island. John Eldredge obviously hears a call from the desert. But because I have limited-to-no experiences with these places, I hear no distinct call from them. But the mountains- now that's a different story. Often in my husband's posts you can sense the power that the mountains hold on us as a family. He was raised there- those mountains are part of who he is. My parents and grandparents- back who knows how many generations- were raised there and so I have that thread in me as well. The mountains speak loudly to us- it's not an audible voice- it's a tugging, a claiming, that we belong to them, that there is where we will find home, peace, wholeness. In his childish wisdom, Will once said that when we leave there, part of us stays behind. So when we leave again, we are less complete than when we came!

Now to consider that we each have the same thread in us- all of us- that is God. There is a calling to Him, a tugging, a claiming, pulling us toward Him, struggling to be there with Him. When we leave it haunts us, calling us back. When we're there, there is peace and wholeness.

We don't all have the same experiences here on earth- we don't all have a call to the sea or to the mountains. But everyone one of us has God in us- He breathed his life into us- each one. This is something we can be certain of! We can speak with confidence to those we meet along the way and know that they will understand this call because we are all made in His image. To those who have yet to meet Him on a personal level it may seem strange, but I am convinced that they will know that this call to wholeness and peace exists.

They just don't know it's God that's calling.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

Revelation 3:20

no blue ribbon at the state fair but...

2006-01-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

i might be famous.

i caught the flu before anyone else in Richland County.

nine people in Lexington County beat me.

bummer.

Mostly Dead or Completely Alive?

2006-01-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like Westley, in The Princess Bride, when he lies on Miracle Max's table and is declared "mostly dead" as opposed to "all dead"? I do.

Paul says in Romans 6:4 that we are "buried with Christ through baptism into death in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life". But we must be completely dead before we can be raised to life. If there is any of our old sin nature left in us, we can't be raised up to new life because we were never "all dead". But every now and then, that tiny bit of me that's keeping the old me "slightly alive" will raise its head and let out a surprising mumble that's confusing to me and those who live with me.

You know, being dead isn't like being pregnant- you know what I mean- you can't be almost pregnant or a little bit pregnant- you either are or you're not. However, after years of working in an intensive care unit, I know, for I have seen, that there is something called "mostly dead" and "slightly alive" and it's a very unattractive place to be. And it's not a place that very many people can hang out in for very long. And it usually has a bad outcome.

I don't want to be in a "mostly dead" or "slightly alive" place. Let me fully dead, completely dead, so that I can be made completely alive in Christ. A much better place to be.

What's in a Name?

2006-01-13T23:42:00.000-08:00

I learned something intriguing the other day in my Oswald. You know Mary Magdalene- everyone knows about her- how she was one of Jesus' followers and how she went to the tomb with spices on Sunday after Jesus was crucified. Every one of the gospels, including John, mention her. But did you know that Luke mentions two other women by name that were followers of Jesus? Joanna and Susanna. And did you know that Joanna was the wife of Cuza, the manager of Herods' household?

These women didn't just follow Jesus; they helped support Jesus and his disciples- "out of their own means"! (Luke 8:3) Now, I would assume that Joanna's husband, Cuza, was a fairly wealthy man, being the manager of a king's household and surely Joanna reaped some benefit from being Cuza's wife. I don't know how Joanna came about her "own means" (and The Message says their means were "considerable") but I think it's interesting that she and her husband were on opposite sides. Jesus said that he had come to bring division- I imagine there were some heated discussions in that household!

We don't know anything else about Joanna. She's never mentioned again, other than being a supporter of Jesus and being present at the tomb on Easter morning (Luke 24:10). I imagine she wasn't very welcome in Herod's palace. She probably gave up quite a bit to be a follower and supporter of her husband's boss' enemy. But what a reward- to be present when the angels told them Jesus was not dead!

Joanna is an example of a working woman who used her means wisely- invested them in kingdom business. She, like Martha's sister, Mary, had her priorities in the right place. She made a very difficult decision that probably brought discord to her marriage and most likely removed her from a comfortable way of life. But she is recorded in a favorable light for all of us "modern" women to read about. I wish we knew more about her but this is all we get to know for now: her faithfulness and her name.

Remain

2006-01-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was training my dog to "stay" I would hold my hand up in front of her face and repeat the word "stay" over and over. As long as she heard me saying, "stay, stay, stay" as I backed away, she would stay. But as soon as I dropped my hand or stopped saying, "stay" she would get up. It was as if it were more difficult, or even impossible, for her to stay if I didn't keep telling her to stay.

In the first 10 verses of John, chapter 15, Jesus uses the word "remain" 11 times. That's more than once per verse! (Don't cringe, Rod...yes, I counted!). We are to remain in him and he will remain in us. We must remain in the vine. We will not bear fruit unless we remain in the vine. Over and over again, the command to "remain". Could it be because it is difficult to "remain" if we are not told to do so over and over again?

Eventually my dog learned to stay for longer periods of time but she always did better with more than one reminder to "stay". She never needed to know why I wanted her to stay, just that I wanted her to. Jesus, on the other hand, lets us know clearly why we need to "remain". He is the source of love, the conduit to bring us love and life directly from the Father. Without remaining in him, we are without life, useless. Yet he realizes that it is hard for us to "remain".

I want to keep that reminder in front of me all the time- that picture of Jesus holding up his nail scarred hands encouraging me to "stay". It's good to know he's willing to tell me more than once.

Returning to (and Staying in) Bethel

2006-01-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

Oswald was about camping today. Well, not really; He talked about "pitching our tents" or really, disciplining ourselves into staying in a place where we can worship without the hinderences of life as we know it.

Really, my life is pretty hectic. One look at my calendar and most people freak. And mine, compared to some of my friends, is nothing! Yesterday, for example, I picked up one child from band at 4:30, with another child in tow and we spirited away to violin lessons. Dropped the first one home after a quick trip to the auto parts store and back to pick up the kid at violin. Rush back home and shove some supper in everyone's faces and take a bunch back down the road. One to piano lessons, the other to dance, and Daddy to the gym. Go back, pick up the piano player, pick up the dancer, take them home, back to the gym, pick up Daddy. Rod apologized over and over for my life! It's no big deal though- it's just what I do. (Ususally I do all this after a hectic day at work!) But find time to worship in there? Getouttahere!

When we camp it's a whole other story though. The last time we went camping, I never left the campsite except to travel to the out house! There, in the quiet, there are no hinderences to worship.

God wants us, like Abram, to pitch our tent between the world and him; in an intentional place where worship is possible. Where the distractions of our busy lives don't interfere. This doesn't happen without effort. We have to create it. It might mean changing our schedule, or for me, changing my job. For some, it might be as easy as getting up earlier. But it's an intentional effort- a discipline.

In Genesis 12:10-20, Abram left his pitched tent and traveled to Egypt. There, worries and worldliness overcame him. He became very wealthy but he came to that wealth through a lie- telling Pharoh that Sarai was his sister, not his wife. Pharoh fell for the beautiful Sarai and "treated Abram well for her sake". And although he got to keep his riches, he and Sarai were pretty much dishonorably kicked out of Egypt for the deception.

This is where the worries of our world take us when we leave our altars of Bethel; our tents pitched in a place of worship between God and the world. Abram was disgraced and had disgraced his wife. Humbled, do you know where he went? Back to Bethel. Back to the place he had first built an altar and worshipped God. And do you know what God did? God took Abram by the hand and showed him the beautiful land he would give to his decendants. When Abram returned to Bethel, God showed him the blessings He had in store for him. He showed Abram how He would be the supplier of all Abram's needs- not Pharoh.

So when we return to our Bethels, don't you think that He'll do the same for us?

Counting Days

2006-01-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

The past two days I have been looking at Psalm 90; a psalm written by Moses. This really isn't one of my favorite Psalms. When I turned to it to study it, I found there was nothing hi-lited in it (which is fairly unusual for the Psalms in my Bible!) It looked kind of neglected and forlorn with no color!

The psalm talks about the eternalness of God, the brevity of our lives, the wrath of God for our sin, and his mercy available to us. And in all of this, I found something I wanted to hi-lite. It's verse 12: Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

I want a heart of wisdom. I long for wisdom. And Moses says here that it may be gained by first realizing how brief our lives are. As I look back on 2005 and take account of my days, I realize just how fast that life is breezing by: from earliest memories til today it has seemed like nothing more than a breath. (Just look at how fast the kids have grown- it blows you away!) And what do I have to show for it so far? Is it enough that if God would claim my life today that I would be satisfied?

Oh, no! I am not satisfied! There is so much growing to be done. There is so much about my Creator and Savior that I don't know! And realizing that I have passed the 1/2 way mark that Moses states in verse 10 puts a little pressure on! There are only so many days of my life yet to be lived. There were only 365 extremely brief days in 2005. There is no guarentee that 2006 will have that many or that they will be even as long as the ones in 2005! There is much to be accomplished. Much wisdom to be gained.

So I will start 2006 with a knowledge of my finiteness. I resolve to count my days. I will pray with Moses that I will be surprised by God's love every morning that it will cause me to dance with joy! (verse 14, The Message) I will ask, like Moses, that God's beauty and favor will rest upon me and confirm, affirm, and establish the work that I do (verse 17). May 2006 be a profitable year for us all!

Rainprints

2005-12-31T23:39:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day of 2005, a very difficult year for me. As I was running on the beach this morning, it started to rain. Not a sprinkle. Not a down pour. Not a drizzle or mist. A brief, very intentional rain, leaving clearly defined "rain prints" in the sand. A cold, cleansing rain.
Intentional, cold, and steady enough to wash away dust & pain
Brief enough to not wash away the memories or the distinct imprints of the drops
Imprints left as memories of past mistakes that have been washed, healed, cleansed by a faithful Father.
And the wind blew.

Party Preparation

2005-12-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

The presents are bought (well, most of them)
And all neatly wrapped (well some of them)
The cookies are baked (except for the ones I mixed up, put in the fridge and forgot about)
Cards are mailed; it's a fact! (well, ONE card got mailed...the rest are still in the process of being addressed)

The tree's decorated (Actually, we got 2 trees this year and only one is decorated so far)
The creche on the hearth (Thanks to Molly)
I'm ready for Christmas
At least in my heart!

Jesus, thank you that all I have to do to be ready for the real meaning of Christmas is to be still and know you. How ironic that our preparations for your birthday celebration are exactly the opposite of being still. Today I will be still and I will know that YOU are God.
-amen

Forgiveness vs. forgiveness

2005-12-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

I like forgiving people. It makes me feel really good. I know that forgiveness isn't easy for everyone. You frequently hear about people struggling because they can't forgive someone. It binds them in a kind of slavery. They are filled with bitterness and pain. There is no blessing in their lives. People recognize this. They talk about it. This is not a new concept! But for me the hard part isn't giving it- it's accepting it. And even harder? Accepting it from myself.

Now let's talk about this. If I refuse to forgive myself for something,I live under the condemnation and guilt associated with that unforgiveness. In this behavior, I am placing a higher priority on my self forgiveness than on God's forgiveness. Mine is more desirable and more important than his. And guess what? That doesn't settle too well with God. There are several reasons that this doesn't set well with him. First and foremost might just be the amount of suffering he had to endure to accomplish that forgiveness for me.

In Hebrews 9:22, we are reminded that without a blood sacrifice, there is no forgiveness of sin. And when I reject God's forgiveness in lieu of my own I am asked to show evidence of the blood sacrifice. Exactly where is it, Allison? Don't have it? Empty handed? You bet... and a little humbled. And being humbled is a good thing. If I am going to learn from my sins and repent and "sin no more", I must know the way that I am to walk. In Psalm 25, David declares that God guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. God cannot teach me if I am prideful and only he can release my feet from this snare of prideful unforgiveness (Ps. 25:15)

Another reason that this preferential treatment of my forgiveness over God's doesn't settle well with him is because of why he chose to forgive in the first place. God forgives "for his name's sake". It's who he is. It's his very nature. Forgiveness is to be equated with his name (Daniel 9:19). When I refuse his forgiveness in preference of my own, I discredit his name! For Pete's sake! Who on earth would want a God whose forgiveness is so feeble that it holds no power over my own? Is this truely how I see God? Do I believe him to be so weak that my ability to forgive holds more power than his own? By accepting God's forgiveness, I can live a life that shines before unbelievers and shows them that God's way is the One True Way, the One True Life. By refusing his forgiveness, I am trashing not only his name but my witness as well. I am disrespecting Jesus' command that I shine for him so that others will be drawn to him.

Yet another reason that my unforgiveness doesn't settle well with God is found in Matthew 6:14-15. If I don't forgive someone (myself included), then God will not forgive me! Wait a minute! How can this be? But I didn't say it; Jesus did! And not just once, either. Even in our Lord's prayer Jesus teaches us to pray that we should be forgiven as we forgive others. Jesus also tells the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. I've always destested this servant! How could he be so unmerciful after he was forgiven of so much! How could he turn around and treat his fellow servant like that! But here I'm finding that I am that unmerciful servant! God has forgiven me of sins too many to be mentioned. It's an unfathomable amount. But I hold unforgiveness over my head for one particular sin- one measurable instance and in doing so, prevent the blessings of God's forgiveness in my own life. According to Psalm 32:1-2, people who are forgiven are blessed. So I can only assume that in being unforgiven, I have stolen my own blessings.

So it takes humility for me to accept God's forgiveness in preference of my own. It takes me placing my pride and my unforgiveness on the altar. They are ugly things to place there but I'd rather them there than on me! And when they are lifted off of me, I can shine like that lamp on the lampstand. And this time I'm not going to let Satan (or me) blow it out!

Sunrises and Such

2005-12-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

I only have a minute but I've been thinking about this all day so hopefully I can get it right the first time!
Rod has been talking about a Eugene Peterson book called Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places for quite some time now. I haven't read it (yet) but I have been blessed by Rod reading it! One of the things he's taught me has been how God chose to teach us about himself. It is in creation that He placed us because this is the way He wants us to know him. We get life, this earth, His creation all for the purpose of learning who He is. There are so many songs out there that talk about us "not belonging here" and wishing our time here away--only to get to the other side- that's our goal. But that is just not what God had in mind. He had in mind that we would live life NOW and abundantly! There is purpose to our life. It's not an accident. Our world was not created by accident and it will not end by accident. An accidental life (for me) just doesn't seem worth living!

With all this in mind, I was so blessed the other morning as I drove our middle son to school and witnessed the most beautiful sunrise that I have ever seen! Now those of you who know me know that I'm not much of a morning person so you might think that me seeing any sunrise is a miracle! But when I was kid, I had a morning paper route and I saw more than the average number of sunrises for a kid. Anyway, it was just such a wonderful thing to look at that gorgeous artwork in the sky, feel God's smile, and know that He was just being there, all obvious and everything, just so I could know Him better.

My son, Will, is quite an artist. Seeing his quirky little drawings gives you a peek into his soul. It lets you see a part of him you could never know any other way. Seeing that sunrise and pondering the Artist behind it was the same way. Seeing the joy he must hold in his heart at the sight of a fresh day for each of us. A new opportunity for someone to know him better. Seeing the passion in the wild pinks and flame oranges. Knowing how passionately he pursues each of us. Seeing how he used all of his palette- knowing how detail-oriented he must be. How he must see even little me and desire that I enjoy him whole heartedly. What an inspiration for all of us, to reach back to him with the power and beauty and passion that he reaches out for us.

Will said, "Wow, Mom, I wish I could draw as well as God!" And I thought, "so do I, Will...so do I."

And Their Number Multiplied Daily

2005-12-13T01:23:00.000-08:00

I got a comment immediately when I posted last night. It was a curious comment and I was a little puzzled by it. I had a pretty good idea what it meant, so, just to investigate, I followed the link back to the commenter's blog site. Although you could do the same, I don't recommend that you do!

I guess I'm just glad that there are more Christians talking about this kind of stuff on blogger and other such sites. I'm glad we can be iron sharpening iron. I'm glad we can encourage each other, lift each other up in our virtual community, and make unbelievers question. Even if it's only to question why on earth we Christians waste our time talking about this stupid stuff. Some people waste their time with their heads in toilets. I prefer to use mine in other ways. And as I do, I only pray that someone else like §å®å[¦]*&*TreeNaH comes along and stays long enough to see a little light.

Smelling Sin

2005-12-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

I'm attempting to write this post now for the third time. Mostly it's just because I don't have time to think. But because of the pervasiveness of the subject, I find that I'm actually thinking about it all the time. So here goes the exercise of organizing my thoughts.

The subject is sin. "Oh no! Not again!" I hear you all say! Yes, again. This time it's triggered by a little book I'm reading called The Smell of Sin and the Fresh Air of Grace by Don Everts. The title intrigued me and it really is a little book so it didn't intimidate me!

I've wondered for years why I don't seem to know beforehand that I'm going to sin. The "big sins" like stealing and murdering... I mean... sure I would know I was about sin if I were about to engage in something like that but I don't do things like that so the whole issue is a little more cloudy for me. It seems that I sin and then I realize what I've done and then I kick myself for not seeing it beforehand so I could have prevented it. It's so totally defeating to me. But after studying this little book I've come up with a couple of reasons that I think this might happen.

After I sin and see the results of my selfish behavior, I am always sad, remorseful and occasionally repentant. It's at these times I cry out, "If only I had known what this action would have led to then I would have never done it!" But the curious thing is why didn't I see the potential repercussions of my sin? Most likely, it's because my behavior is so often focused only on me and seldom on others. (Ouch... that hurt!) But it's true, I must admit. I am frequently careless with my actions because I believe sin to be an annoyance, a silly rule that got broken, a failed attempt to walk a line that, to me, doesn't seem to have a purpose. My decision on whether or not to sin just doesn't seem to be extremely serious. I see it more as an inconvenience, a slip up, or even a struggle. But not a life or death situation.

Jesus didn't see sin this way. In all three of the synoptic gospels, Jesus says that it would be better for someone to have a millstone tied around their neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause someone else to sin (Matt. 18:6, Mark 9:42, & Luke 17:2). He also says it would be better to saw off your foot, pluck out your eye, or cut off your hand than to sin. Geesh! Why'd he take this stuff so seriously? I mean, we all fail; we all make mistakes! Come on! But that may just be his whole point.

We are all failures. Every last one of us. And the price for that is, according Jesus, "eternal fire". So if every last one of us took Jesus at his word, every last one of us would be at the bottom of Lake Murray (insert your own local body of water) with a cinder block tied around our necks. And then where would we be? No one to subdue the earth as God commanded; His beautiful creation destroyed by their own hands; the fellowship He created us for ablated. Jesus saw the hopelessness of this entire situation. He knew where we were headed. And he came to stop it once and for all. The problem is, we just don't see the problem!

Satan in all his cleverness has made sure that we see our sins as minor trifles, mere annoyances, minimal inconveniences. Most of us aren't murderers and can do fairly well (we think) with keeping those big 10 rules. But the problem is that the first time we think or behave selfishly, we've broken the first one and so whether or not we've ever murdered anyone becomes a mute point. But Satan makes sure that we don't see it that way. He covers our sins over with a pastel mist, breathing into our selfish hearts sentiments like, "Well, she deserved that" and "It really wasn't as bad as all that" and "It wouldn't have been fair to me if it had turned out the way it was headed!". And when you have pastel sins instead of blood red ones, there is really very little need for a Savior.

I believe Jesus. I believe He knew what He was doing when He allowed himself to be nailed to the cross. And if I believe all that, then I have to believe that sin is, as Jesus says, a life or death situation. It's serious. It's important, important enough for Him to suffer an agonizing, torture for me to be able to escape it. I look on the cross and I see a loving Father that understands the significance of my sin infinitely more than I do. And then I realize that my sin is not a mere inconvenience or minor annoyance. It's a slap in the face to a loving parent that sacrificed himself for me. It's like spitting in my mother's face when she greets me at the door with the scent of a holiday meal wafting from the kitchen where she has been toiling away in love. We have to understand what our sin is like, how it smells before we can take seriously its effects. I have to spiritually "blow my nose" so I can get rid of these satanic lies and learn to recognize the smell of sin. And once I know its stench it will be a lot easier to avoid.

Tissue and Nasonex anyone?

In Pursuit of Perfection

2005-12-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

On Decemeber 1st I wrote about how disappointed I am in myself that I continually sin. On December 2nd, Oswald writes about what I'm supposed to do with that. How does he do that?

He instructs (as my wise husband has done so often) that it is a snare (a trap set by Satan himself) that I pursue "the manifestations of God in my life" rather than a relationship with God. It's what Rod calls the "trap of morality". I work and work and work at having the fruit of the Spirit. I strive to be sinless, to never make any mistake, to never hurt anyone's feelings, be late, or irresponsible. It's a call to an impossible life; it's a call to death. Exactly the opposite of the life Christ called me to.

Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life.

-Oswald Chambers

To me, this translates that the impossible to acheive human perfection is not and should not be my goal. Instead, my goal must be a communion with God that is so close, so transparent, that all anyone who looks on it sees is God. Not only does that sound do-able but I long for it. I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. (Again, really, really thankful for Paul! -Philippians 3:12)

Body Part du Jour

2005-12-01T06:14:00.000-08:00

If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into enternal fire
-Jesus

I can't do it. I fell asleep last night contemplating it and have sat at the table this morning trying to figure out how I could be brave enough to cut out my tongue. But unfortunately, the more I think about it, it would be my tongue today, my hand another day and my feet the day after that. What about my brain? What happens when it's time to cut that off?

And then I realized something (Ok, this isn't really the first time I've realized this-just the first time I've blogged it). It's not my tongue or my hands or my feet that cause me to sin. It's my nature. Jesus understood this. He knew I'd eventually get to the place where I'd realize how hopeless all this chopping off of body parts is. This is where I crucify my nature on the cross of Calvary- but that seems to be more nice, neat, Christianese for something I can't do. I think it would be easier to cut out my tongue.

I can't stop sinning. I've tried. I keep trying. I keep failing. I sound like Paul. I've been here with him before. So I know where to start reading. Romans 8:1.

Thanks, Paul. I needed that.

Escapee

2005-11-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

You should see the beautiful view I have out my kitchen window. The sky is my favorite color of blue- it's a clear, crisp, sophisticated blue- cold but beautiful. And the leaves are red, orange, yellow, brown, and there's still some green out there. There aren't very many birds today...I don't know what they're doing. But I found our bird, Harvie, sitting in the dining room today. No idea how she got out of her cage. Maybe she wanted to go outside and fly in that beautiful view- she has to look at it all day from inside the house- from inside her cage. Maybe there's a bird gathering going on outside somewhere that she caught wind of and maybe she was trying to go- some kind of bird world cup or something. I put her back in her cage. She seemed ok with it.

I wish I was.